Randoms.

It's been a busy one today and I'm having a bit of brain fog.  I have a million random thoughts.  Any attempt at organizing them will fail.  So, I'm just going to haphazardly share them.

I've been daydreaming of sending B to school.  Being room mother at Christmas parties.  Having mornings to myself to get things done.  Not worrying if B is learning enough, if I'm depriving him of something, if not going to PE and Music will somehow ruin him for life.  Then he does something amazing like read a short book, tell me Sputnik was the first space probe, solve addition problems,  count to 39 and my daydream bubble pops.  I keep thinking about last year when he couldn't count to 10 and couldn't say his ABC's.  He told me he wants to always have school at home.  He's doing very well.  Jilly is too!  She loves everything about school, except for the listening to the teacher part.  We're still working on that. :)

We took a trip to Disney at the end of October with my sister and her boys.  It was so much fun!  B adores his cousins.  I love that they treat him like a big kid, yet will carry him when his legs get tired.  On the plane ride home, B's tics and stims were out of control.  He even had a vocal tic.  It was a rough ride.  These tics and OCD behavior hung around long after the trip.  I was beginning to wonder if we needed to find a PANDAS specialist.  We took him to Dr. B and he told us to increase his probiotics to 3 and slowly increase the Olive Leaf Extract.  Probiotics kill yeast and OLE goes after strep.  We did this and in about a week or two, he was back to baseline.  Dr. B is brilliant!

Dr. B is so brilliant, that I am now a patient.  I am seeing him for an all day long, feels like I need a nap an hour after I wake up fatigue.  I'll get the test results back in a week, then I'm sure B and I will be food buddies.  B is very excited about this.  I'm not so much.  I've known for awhile that there are some foods I react to.  Mostly my favorite foods. *sigh*  Maybe this is the push i need to be even more creative with my cooking.

Jilly turned 3 last month.  Three!  I can't believe it.  The age of 3 has brought with it the love of coloring and a nurturing of baby dolls.  She is a little momma.  She loves to shush us all the time, "Shhh!  My baby's sleeping!"  B said to her, "I love you even when you do naughty things."  I do to.  She is adventurous and fun. Sometimes that adventure and fun leads to boredom in the timeout chair.  But when she looks sadly at us with those big blue eyes and ask for a hug, we all melt.  She really is a sweetheart.

I've been learning more about PANDAS.  Basically, if B is exposed to strep, he forms antibodies.  These antibodies cross the blood/brain barrier and attack his basal ganglia.  It's similar to what happens to the heart in Rheumatic fever.  It's so important that he not get strep.  Other illnesses can trigger a flair as well (which might make it PANS?  Any PANDAS moms help me out here.)  Right now he's fighting a cold and his OCD is heightened.  Over the past 6 months, B's speech has been affected.  He now pauses extra long on words, drawing out some syllables.  I don't know why or if this is permanent.  I'm going to talk to his doc about it when we have our appointment.

That about wraps up the randoms.  Hopefully a good night's sleep will clear this brain fog and my next post won't be so all over the place.

Dear Self of 2010

 I know you are scared.  I know everything you'd hoped for your little boy is up in the air.  You feel alone, helpless, and overwhelmed.  Please know that it will get better.

1.  You are not going to learn this over night.  Have patience with yourself.  You have so much to learn.  Get good sleep.  Take care of yourself.

2. You will feel a thousand miles from normal.  Everyday situations will seem bizarre and what used to be easy conversation with friends turns into distance.  Your mind and heart are with your child.  It's okay.  Because someday, you will ease back into 'normal.'  Not completely.   Your world is changed.

3. Rely on God.  Cry out to Him.  Don't hold your worries and fears in.  You may not realize this now, but God loves B even more than you do.  Even more....I know it doesn't seem possible that anyone could love him more, but He does.  God is in control.  You can't see it now, but you will.

4.  You will have an awesome group of loving friends who 'get it.' I know you are alone in this now, but you won't always be.  Soon enough, you will have a gripe session over how it's unfair that all gluten free items contain rice.  You will rejoice with friends over the improvements in your kids.  You will pray fervently for the health of your friends' children.  You will swap stories and recipes.

5. PANDAS.  It's ugly.   I know your mind can't wrap around this diagnosis yet.  You are naive in thinking that it's all okay.  And that's alright.  Emotionally, you're not ready.  When you are, you will kick yourself for not taking care of that one illness that made B's heart race and his fever soar.  Antibiotics are scary for B but PANDAS is worse.  It's rheumatic fever of the brain.  Find a PANDAS group online ASAP.

6. Love on your family.  Cherish every moment with the in laws.  Bring a camcorder.  Let them know how much they mean to you and how much you love them.

7. Thank your mom.  She will be there for you in big, big ways.  Realize that she loves you as much as you love B and Jilly.

8.  It's easy to get wrapped up in your own pain and confusion.  Overwhelmed.  But realize Erik is just as scared.  He is in this with you.  Not every family has that.  You are blessed.

9.  B will grow in ways that will bring you joy and peace.  While his physical body is ill, his heart contains a love for Christ that makes his physical ailments seem small.  God is working in his heart.  You just watch.

10. Your sweet little Jilly will bring humor in times of tension.  Sunshine when your sad.  She will keep you laughing every day.  God sent her to all of you.  She will be B's best friend and their giggles together will become your favorite sound.

11.  Guess what?  You will homeschool.  No, really!  I'm not kidding.  And you will like it.  And B will blossom.

12.  Reach out to your family.  Right now, you are holding it all in.  And I know it's because you are afraid you'll crack.  And you will....a lot...in public.  And will be embarrassing.  But you will be okay.  Reach out.

13.  There will always be a little nagging worry in the back of your mind.  Right now it is a screaming voice in your head, but it will dim...a bit.  Stop and pause on God's blessings.  Write them down.  Read the Psalms.  Reflect on Gods love and protection.  Write them down.

 God loves you.  He is in control.  He is holding you.  He is holding B.  Take a breath and ponder this.  B is His little boy first.  Rejoice in that.  God is greater than your worry.  In His arms, you will find rest.

Faith of a Child

I haven't blogged for a while.  We've been so busy and just emotionally tired, that the bare minimum has been getting done lately.  I shouldn't say 'bare minimum' because school is now in session!  We are in week four of Kindergarten at home.  B is really flourishing.  He counted to 25 and can read the words, CAT, SAT, COT, and AT.  He can match all upper and lower case letters and is working on writing his numerals.  Also, he is learning many Old Testament stories in the Bible.  Jilly is learning to count and has really picked up the days of the week in Spanish.  Singing everything is key to Jilly's learning.

We are emotionally spent because our hearts are heavy.  Erik's dad is battling cancer.  It's a tough, tough fight.  We all love him deeply.  The kids are crazy about Papa.  He is such a huge part of our lives.  He and Nana have done so much for us.  They are always there to offer encouragement, hugs, laughs, support.  B likes to go down to Papa's gym and 'work out.'  I think back fondly to a 2 year old B with one pound weights watching his Grandpa's every move and imitating with a "One, two.  One, two."  Papa holds the kids in his lap and reads them book after book after book without once seeming bored to tears.  Jilly absolutely adores him.

Erik has been tremendous through this fight.  His honor for his parents leaves me praying that our children will be as honorable as their Daddy.  He is this way because that is how his parents raised him.  I am eternally grateful to them.

This week, we told B that Papa is getting ready to go to heaven.  It was a hard conversation.  B teared up and said, "But I'm going to miss him."  He's had a lot of questions this week.  Tonight, he asked, "Mommy, is there a pill Papa can take to get rid of the sickness in his body?"  I answered, "The doctors have tried everything they could.  We can pray for Papa."  I then explained that in heaven Papa will get a new body that doesn't hurt anymore.  He immediately folded his hands and in a sad little voice said, "Dear God, Please heal Papa.  But if you want him in heaven, then go ahead."  What a selfless prayer for a little guy.  He is torn up about losing his Papa, yet prayed for God's will to be done.  All this time I've been struggling with how to hand everything over to God and my five year old little blessing showed me how with his hands folded.....crying out to God.

  Prayer is very much appreciated for Brice (B's Papa) and Karen (B's Nana) and our whole family.  Thank you friends.

So Long Corn....Don't let the door hit you on your way out.

We finally did it.  We kicked corn to the curb.  We've been meaning to do it for a while.  B didn't test allergic to corn a year and a half ago, but I began to suspect a corn allergy months (and months and months) ago.  But I dragged my feet.  Corn day was our easy day.  Breakfast was Gorrila Munch cereal (the only cereal he could have).  His favorite food is tacos.  When we traveled, he could have Ian's fish sticks, or turkey dogs, or chicken nuggets.  An easy snack was corn chips.  Ah....the only day that didn't require 'from scratch' preparation.  Do you see why I hesitated?  Very selfish on my part, but Oh those days were NICE!

The down side of corn day:  B would melt down, became aggressive, restless, and his plumbing didn't work quite right if you catch my drift.

We are 2 weeks corn free.  With the help of a newly purchased tortilla maker, we can have soft tacos!  I discovered he likes teff grain cooked as a hot cereal.  I can make chicken nuggets and freeze them for future use.  So far, B hasn't missed corn.

And.....his allergy shiners are disappearing!  His meltdowns have diminished!  His tics are decreasing.  Plumbing is normal.  I'm seeing less stimming.  He's not crashing into the couches.  He's doing great again!  I apologize for the 'blah' of my last post.  The answer was right under my nose.  Corn.....good riddance!  :)  Thank you for the prayers.

Wounded

I was browsing my blog list tonight and came across this one from Carly at Thoughts of Him: Scars.  It is beautiful and insightful and got me thinking about my own scars.  Which led me to think about the scar I want to have.  Right now, all this going on with B is a wound.  A big, festering, bleeding on the carpet, somebody grab the steri-strips wound.  Sorry for the visual.

We had an awesome appointment with our biomed doctor this week.  B's labs look so much better!  His heavy metals have decreased quite a bit.  His yeast is down by a lot!  Everything looked much better.  I may go into detail in another post.  I was on cloud nine!  He had been looking healthier, thinking clearer, just overall really great.  I love biomed!  I love our doc!  Can you believe he spent 2 hours going over labs, explaining each item line by line with us?  A refreshing change from the get you in, get you out before you can even remember what you wanted to ask appointments that seem to be the norm everywhere else.  Dr. B explained what supplements help with each function.  He showed us where we needed to adjust according to B's labs.  Dr. B is nothing if not thorough.

All this happiness in one appointment was dampened a little.  That same week, I'd heard a news story about the FDA trying to ban supplements.   Or trying to regulate them, which means they will be pulled off the market.  My heart sank.  This is really happening.  These life saving, all natural, made from the plants and minerals God gave us, supplements may not be here to help my son anymore.  I could watch B regress.  I could happen in as little as a few months.  I hurt in the deepest places of my heart thinking about this.  And it hurts that many in our country don't know or don't care.  I just want to show everyone my sweet boy's little face and say, "How can we let this happen?"  Please sign the petition to stop this from happening.

This week has been rough.  I think it's a PANDAS flare, or allergies, or something.  I don't know.  B's tics are really bad.  Worse than they've been all year.  I was watching him play his Leapster and he had to pause it to roll his head, jump up and down and yell.  He's been sensory seeking nonstop.  Crashing into our couches, crashing into us, wanting to hang from our arms, spinning, standing on his head, flapping his hands.  I don't know what's going on with him.  Maybe he's coming down with something.  It's ragweed season, too, so maybe we need to increase his allergy shots.  It's times like this that I feel like I'm holding my breath.  I don't know what's going to happen.  B could come out of it or he could regress further.  That scares me more than anything.  Regression.  Sometimes I feel like this whole world is against our children.  Maybe that's not a sane response to what is going on.  But remember, I'm bleeding.

I have a hard time turning this over to God.  I can't seem to let go of this worry.  Nonstop worry.  It's always on my mind 24/7.  It's too much.  All of this is too much sometimes.  But I feel guilty for saying it's too much when I know I'd do so much more if it would help my child.  I know this wound will never be a scar if I don't take it to God.  I need to hand it over to Him for complete healing.

Mr. Social?!? Hooray!

B has always been shy and overwhelmed in large crowds of people.  Family reunions were always rough.  The stimulation and all the people usually resulted in a massive meltdown.  Every Sunday, at church, he sticks close to my legs as we walk through the foyer greeting our church family.  He has to be prompted to say 'hello' while Jilly runs ahead of us offering hugs and smiles.

As I've mentioned before, B is changing.  Good things are happening.  He's growing up and getting healthier.  Today, he walked in the church doors with his good friend.  He gave a high five to the greeter.  He, Jilly, and I then found our seats.  We sang praises to God.  B danced a little.  Jilly belted out a melody.  Then came the greet song.  B walked ahead of me finding people to shake hands with.  He was grabbing hands right and left whether the people being greeted were ready or not. :)  Big smile on his face.  He hugged his friend's older sisters.  He LOVES his friend's older sisters.  Jilly and I made our way back to our pew, but B was still in the crowd shaking hands and smiling his charming smile.  He continued greeting till the song was over.  My shy little guy was suddenly Mr. Social.

Later in the service, I had to get up to change Jilly's diaper.  I asked B if he would like to come.  He chose to stay by himself in the pew.  By himself!  Who is this child?  The children were called to Children's Church while I was still helping Jilly.  B got up by himself and followed his friends to the classroom.

My heart is overspilling with joy at the little boy B is growing into.  He's becoming confident and responsible. He is joyful, helpful, loving, good-natured.

This week, his former Sunday School teacher mentioned to me how well he is doing.  She told me that when we first attended (a year and a half ago) B would go into meltdown mode.  He would scream for me and run out of the classroom toward the stairs.  He didn't know how to interact with the other kids.  He would play next to them, but didn't quite know how to play with them.  Now, she said, he is doing really great and he's just like any other 5 year old boy.  That was music to my ears.  I see the changes, but it is so nice when somebody else points them out to me.  God has been so faithful.  His healing is nothing short of miraculous.

If you are reading this and you share a love for this awesome God, would mind offering up a prayer?  For continued healing for B.  For permanent allowance of biomedical treatment in this country.  For life changing supplements not to be outlawed.  For other children who have similar health issues as B.  For the parents of these children.  For the mainstream medical community to recognize and embrace the treatments that have helped so many.  For the cause of these afflictions to be brought to light.  Thank you!  God hears our prayers.  I know He has heard my many prayers.  B is living proof.

Best Friends Day!

Don't read this if you are opposed to make up on 2 1/2 year olds, junkfood for dinner, downright spoiling kids rotten, and movies at bedtime.  Move along....nothing to see here.


I declared today Best Friends Day.  So, I celebrated with favorite girl.  Erik took B for the evening and Jilly and I had a girls' night.  Lately, Jilly's been really insecure.  Crying when I leave her with a sitter, in the nursery, at Jazzercise.  Wanting to follow me to the bathroom, to the garage, to the back yard.  She hasn't been wanting to sleep in her bed or by herself.  And she's been a little, well, naughty.  All of this has had me baffled until the other night when she was being especially trying. We had a pretty rough evening, Jilly and I.  The next day, it was weighing on my heart.  I was talking to God about it.  Funny, I was asking Him to help Jilly behave when I was the one who needed to change.  God opened my eyes and showed me that she needs more affirmation.  She needs us to tell her why we love her.  She needs extra one on one attention.  She needs us not to say she's naughty even though we've done it in a teasing, playful manner.  She takes things to heart.  She's sensitive.  She's a girl.  Now there's an epiphany!  My younger siblings are all male.  Erik's siblings are male.  B is a boy.  So why did it never occur to me that girls are a little different?  Aren't I a girl?  Don't I need more affirmation?  Don't I need extra affection and undivided attention?  Don't I take every that's said to heart?  (Just ask Erik, ha!)

We started off the evening by me whispering to Jilly, "Do you want to go bye-bye with mommy and have a best friends' night?  Just you and me?"  Her eyes lit up.  She let out a Jilly giggle, "Yes!"  We went to her closet to pick out her clothes.  She wanted a blue shirt just like mommy.  I went to put on my make-up.  She wanted lip gloss just like mommy.  We put a sheer gloss on.  She spent the entire first part of the evening making this face: Clamp your teeth together.  Now, without smiling, open your lips.  Now grab a mirror and laugh at the silliness.  She told everyone we saw, "I got lip gloss."  Which sounded like "I got it osh." consider she was talking while making the gloss face.

First, we went to the Dairy Queen.  It may have been her first ever trip to DQ.  I asked her what kind of ice cream she wanted...Chocolate, vanilla, strawberry, in a dish, in a cone, with a straw.  She said, "Pink!"  We sat at the table.  Jilly was super excited!  In between slurps and spoonfuls, she would say, "BEST FRIENDS!" and giggle her Jilly giggle.

After the ice cream, we went to Target to buy popcorn and  browse the toys.  She's had a gift card to use since November.  She picked out a cat piano, a miniature pillow pet, a microphone, a small rubber ball, a barbie, 3 dolls, Rex from Toy Story, a vacuum.....well, the entire toy department really.  I let her get the first 4 items, considering 2 of the 4 were two dollars.  Then we went to the beauty section for mini nail polish to do "Piggy Toes" as Jilly likes to say.  Jilly sang random songs all the way home.

When we got home, Jilly played a song for me on her piano.  It went like this, "Mommy, my mommy all day.  I love her."  Then we painted our Piggy Toes.  I was brave and let Jilly do her own.  I'm thinking brave maybe wasn't a good idea.  But she is very proud of her work.  After our tootsies were polished and had pretty decals, we shared a sandwich and put on her jammies.  Then we watched Up on my bed while we snuggled.

I am so thankful God blessed me with this sweet, funny, delightful, happy, beautiful little girl.  What a joy she is to us!  I truly believe God matches us perfectly with our children.  I love that he twined her heart to mine.

Here's My Sign

I prayed that God would let us know if GAPS is the right way to go with B.  This morning I got my answer.  We had been on GAPS for 3 days.  I awoke early to de-bone the chicken and put together a casserole for breakfast.  I started the carrot/onion/broth soup.  Then I went into B's room to wake up the kids.  They were already awake.  Jilly was playing with toys and B was taking off his jammies to put on some fresh clothes.  I stopped in my tracks.  B was definitely thinner.  It was probably only half a pound, but for a 34 lb five year old, thinner is not something to be taken lightly.  I may have freaked out a little as I went into the kitchen, scrambled 5 eggs in lots of palm shortening, and cut up 2 pears.  That was my answer.  GAPS isn't for B, at least not right now.  He was eating way more calories than he usually eats, but his body wasn't burning carbs because I couldn't get him to eat enough squash and carrots.  I'm thinking his body wanted to burn fat instead.

So, we're back to rotation/elimination but I need to sit down and plan a rotation that doesn't rely on pancakes every morning.  B's pancake addiction is feeding yeast.  Sigh.  I felt so bad about his thin appearance that I baked him a loaf of gluten free bread.  He and Jilly polished off half the loaf.  From one extreme to the other.  I really need to get a meal plan in place and stick with it.  I may as well stay on GAPS myself.  I can afford to burn fat and there's no sense letting 12 lbs of onions, 4 butternut squash, 5 lbs of carrots, 3 heads of cauliflower, and 4 heads of broccoli go to waste.    

GAPS Vent

**Warning***Warning**Warning***Vent About to Ensue****

We started the GAPS intro this week.  This is day 3.  I'm having yeast die off so am cranky.  B is having yeast die off so he is cranky.  Jilly is cranky because we are cranky.  The dog is happy.  She is loving the leftovers.  Erik is just finishing up his 80 hr week, so he's lucky to have missed the storm.

Honestly, I don't know if I can do this.  I feel like I haven't spent time with the kids, sufficient time in the Word, or time tending to other tasks around the house.  I have been in the kitchen all day, every day.  Chopping, boiling, thawing meat, fermenting, preparing meals, heating foods, cleaning the kitchen...only to start all over again.  I did manage to exercise for the first time this week.  It's my one hour of something just for me.  I wish I could manage to exercise everyday but I am overwhelmed with everything that has to be done.

Still tonight, I have a chicken boiling, produce to wash and put away from 2 days ago, the kitchen to clean, dishes to do, and huge messes around the house to tackle because the kids have been running amok while I've been in the kitchen.  How did our ancestors do this?  There was a time when everything was made from scratch.  Maybe it was different because there were no food allergies?  I feel like I'm failing this whole GAPS thing and it's only day 3.  Or I'm excelling at the GAPS and failing my family and all the other tasks I need to attend to.  If I can't find a balance, we'll have to scrap this and go back to the rotation.

GAPS is supposed to heal and seal the gut lining to keep food particles from leaking out.  This would decrease/eliminate an IgG response.  Which would decrease B's food allergies.  It sounds great if it's doable.  I've lost two pounds in 3 days from giving up sugar and grains, my ears have stopped itching, and my tummy hasn't bloated every time I eat.  B has been eating like crazy, but getting him to drink the broth has not been a good experience.  Today for lunch, he 2 helpings of elk/squash casserole (minus the squash) and some broccoli.  Twenty minutes later I caught him sneaking a buffalo burger out of the fridge. "I thought I'd take this for a little snack."  Forty minutes later, he asks for more casserole.  He had some cooked carrots throughout the day to keep his blood sugar stabilized.  Hopefully this will help him gain a little weight, too.

If there are any veteran GAPS people out there, please offer any helpful hints.  I'm drowning in stuff that needs to be done and the tasks are piling up fast!  I think I'm going to skip the messes, put the chicken in the fridge, leave the produce on the counter for one more day, and call it a night.

Vent over.  I feel much better.  Almost.  I REALLY WANT CHOCOLATE!!!  Okay, now I'm really done.

Counting and Curriculum

After lots of fretting, changing my mind, searching, and praying, I finally decided on a curriculum for B.  We are going to be using Heart of Dakota.  Partly because it looks fun and interesting for B and mostly because it looks easy to follow and fun for me!  Check it out at www.heartofdakota.com

I had ordered Little Hands to Heaven for ages 2 to 5.  I knew B had difficulty counting, with fine motor, and with his alphabet.  This curriculum would revisit these subjects and I could combine Jilly and B together with the lessons tailoring up or down as needed.  The curriculum arrived last week.  Guess what happened this week?  B counted to 14 like it was nothing, he names the letters of the alphabet (including the weird ones, like Q) and the sounds those letters make. Also, he painted his name with very controlled brush strokes.  Something's changing in B and it is wonderful!  I think I'm going to order Little Hearts for His Glory and use the math, reading, and writing for B and use the LHTH as written for both kids.  Then, I can use LHFHG next year, too, with advanced options.

Back to counting...this is a huge deal!  When B was 2, he could count to 9.  Well, he would skip 8, but not bad for 2.  As he began to regress, he lost this skill.  All this year in preschool, I could not get him to count to 10.  He would become confused and embarrassed.  Jilly was counting to 12 and I know that bothered him.  He wouldn't join in when she wanted him to count with her.  I'd ask him to fill in a missing number and he'd say "Ummm.....I don't want to."  Counting to 14...hooray!  And he can recognize his numbers!

I'm getting excited for this school year.  I can't wait to see how much B and Jilly grow!  I can't wait to watch B's eyes light up when reading 'clicks' for him.  That was always my favorite part of teaching when I was a practicing teacher.  What a gift this is to me and my children.  This curriculum is very Christ centered.  I think I will learn as much, if not more, while using it.  To be on this journey with my kids....what a blessing!

Healthy B and Biomed

B is doing good.  Really, really good.  I think my last post was just B struggling with the 'back from grandma's' transition.  His meltdowns are very few.  His shoulder tic happens, but I think only I notice.  It's very small now.  He's following directions in a timely fashion.  He's taking his vitamins and supplements like a champ (5 at once!).  He even slowed down enough today to take a nap!  That never happens!  He's counting well and identifying numbers.  I am so thankful for his gains.  It's these peaceful times I begin to question everything.  Maybe we're just making a mountain out of a molehill.  What if I gave him beef (or pork, or an apple, or watermelon, or......)? Maybe he's okay.  But I know he's doing so well because of the biomed.  I have to remind myself of that.  Sixteen months ago, his health was in a very different place.

A few days ago, I took the kids to the park.  I watched as B and Jilly ran ahead of me and then climbed onto the giant boat.  As they played, I realized how healthy B looks.  He's still very thin, but tall. His under eye circles are completely gone.  His face has filled out a little.  He is beautiful....and happy.  I am so grateful to God for guiding us in the right direction for B.  Our doctor has worked miracles for our little boy.

 If you, or your child suffer from food allergies, asthma, eczema, migraines, arthritis, allergies, irritable bowel syndrome, chronic fatigue, fibromyalgia, tics, arthritis, GI problems, autism, sensory issues, ADHD.....I can recommend an awesome doctor.  And don't worry, biomed is not medical voodoo.  Our doc is a real MD.  Biomed is getting to the root cause of a symptom before any treatment is prescribed.  Biomed is not putting a band-aid on a symptom with a pharmaceutical.  It is a completely individualized treatment plan.  Any course of treatment is decided only after test results are viewed.  How refreshing is that?  For B, seeking biomedical treatment has been life changing.

Banana Shakes

Holy meltdown Batman!  This evening was a little rough.  B is in his literal mode again.  Asking Jilly questions that he knows she will answer in a silly manner.
B: Do sharks live in the ocean?
 Jilly: No, they live on a plate.
B (enraged); NO!!! They live in the OCEAN!
Jilly: No, they live in toast.
B (screaming): NOOO!!! THEY. LIVE. IN. THE. OCEAN!!!!  Mommmm!  Jillian says sharks don't live in the ocean!

Random questions met with silly responses and followed by meltdowns a million times over.  B is having trouble focusing, his vocal tic is making a small appearance and the shoulder tic is back.  Add this to some spinning, hyperactivity, and chair crashing.  I'm thinking something is up.  Either A) He's just having a hard time adjusting to coming home after a week with Grandma.  B) He's eaten something that was 'contaminated' with an allergen.  C) He's developed a new allergy. D) He's about to come down with a virus.  Guess we'll wait and see.

I have been completely exhausted this week.  So tired that the thought of doing anything past 3 o'clock seems impossible.  Erik has been wonderful at keeping the dishes loaded and clean.  I'm wondering if a virus is about to strike....or maybe we're all having a little trouble adjusting to our week back home.  I apologize for not blogging more of the conference.  It was a busy time with activities late into the evening.  Hopefully Erik will blog more sessions soon.

I made the BEST EVER smoothie tonight!  B said it was a little sweet, but Jilly and I thought it tasted like a banana milkshake.  First, the almond butter needs to be prepared.

Almond Butter
1 c raw almonds
2 c water
Soak the almonds for 12 hours.  After they are soaked, dehydrated them.  Sounds backward, but soaking the almonds makes them easier to digest.  You could probably roast them instead of dehydrating them if you don't have a dehydrator handy.

Add dehydrated almonds to blender or food processor.  Blend.  If not sticking together, add palm shortening or coconut oil as needed.  Blend.  Add a touch of maple syrup if more sweetener is needed.

Banana "milk" Shake
1 1/2 bananas
almond milk (eyeball it)
a few icecubes
a big spoon full of almond butter

Blend.  Enjoy....and then sneak sips of your children's shakes while they are not looking :)

Autism One Day 2 (Information Processing)

This was a great session!  The strategies here apply to kids on the spectrum, kids with ADHD, and ME!  I didn't realize it, but I have a lag time in my information processing, also.  So good to know that I'm not inattentive.  I just takes me a while to connect with what is being said and to form a response.  Erik summarized this one, too.  My words in italics.

Information Processing

Dr. Nicole Beurkens presented on simple strategies for improving information processing in ASD.  The definition of processing has three parts: 1. To take in. 2. To make sense or make meaning, and 3. Do something.  She made the analogy that individuals with autism process information like a dial-up internet connection compared to neurotypical individuals having a broadband internet-like speed when they process information.  Steps 2 and 3 of the above definition take longer in individuals with autism.  She made the case that autism is a severe information processing disorder and gave a few examples of children that she has treated that illustrated this point very well.  

Autistic individuals have deficits in the simultaneous processing of information, and the communication, social, and behavioral symptoms we see in these children are the result of processing problems.  One of her teen patients who has shown remarkable progress over the years said it best:  “I feel so confused all the time.”

She also gave the example of a little boy whose teachers said he would say such random things that didn't make any sense.  In a treatment session, Dr. Beurkens said the child said something out of the blue and realized the statement was about an activity they did 15 minutes earlier.  He had a 15 minute delay in processing.  Through her techniques, he now has a 3 second delay!  This was interesting to me because it made me realize why B has a hard time taking his turn in Candyland in a timely manner.  Also, why he will stand in the middle of the living room when we ask him to get his shoes on.

Dr. Beurkens proposed that the ways adults engage with children makes a difference on their ability to make sense of what is happening and to respond appropriately.  She recommended three simple steps for parents to try in order to help their kids on the spectrum.

  #1 is to SLOW DOWN, not necessarily speaking v-e-r-y s-l-o-w-l-y, but pausing and allowing time for the child to register a response instead of repeating what was said so soon after the initial request.   The parent should stay with the child and expect a response.  Slowing down allows for better processing and less stress.  There should be a pause and a  wait time.  She said we need to "slow down to speed up."  We slow down so our children can make the connections, eventually speeding up the processing time.

 #2 is SPEAKING LESS, specifically using fewer words.  Say what you mean and know when to stop!  Do not repeat things over and over.  Increasing use of non-verbal communication was recommended.  Increase  the nonverbal and reduce the verbal.

  #3 is to STAY CLOSE.  Get the child’s attention first, then communicate the message.  Often times we communicate from a larger distance than our kids can process.  Ever holler downstairs that dinner is ready?  Make sure the child's attention has shifted, not necessarily eye contact.  When helping with homework, sit at a 90% angle from the child.  

When your child is approaching melt down or stressed:

Stop and Wait.  When a child is already confused and overwhelmed, adding more into the mix is not helping. Focus on one thing at a time and pause to let the child tackle it.  Give the child time and space to work through anxiety/meltdowns.

Autism One Day 2 (Parenting Under Attack)

I have to take back what I said in yesterday's post.  Today was Daddy Central!  So many couples..it warmed my heart.  Three cheers for the Dad's!

Erik typed up a summary of two of todays sessions.  I'll copy, paste, and add my thoughts in italics.

Parenting Under Attack

Attorney Lisa Colin discussed how parenting is under attack by Child Protective Services when the situation involves autistic children.  It was mentioned that in most states, CPS has a central registry where anyone can call in a report of abuse or neglect.  The reports can even be anonymous.  Once the central registry receives the complaint, it is passed on to the local/county CPS to make contact with the child within 24 hours.  

Complaints to CPS are also being used, according to Ms. Colin, “strategically.”  For instance, physicians have called CPS on parents that refuse to vaccinate their children according to the government recommended schedule or those parents that disagree with a doctor’s treatment plan.  In many cases, this is done by the doctor as a way of covering his/her own behind.  Same is true for some school districts.  She also mentioned that she had seen a case where a in-home therapist called CPS on a family after seeing numerous supplement bottles (a very familiar thing to families using bio-med treatments) and thought the child was in danger because the therapist did not understand why the child would be taking those products.  Yikes!  Supplements are essential!   It was mentioned that if CPS takes a child out of the home, they will want a medical examination done by a CPS contracted physician that will most likely not continue any biomedical treatments that have been helping the child since most mainstream physicians are ignorant of these therapies. She also mentioned they would more than likely vaccinate the child on a "catch up" schedule which means many vaccines at once.  

 Ms. Colin recommended that families with a special needs child have a plan for custody of the child in the (rare) circumstance where parents may be accused of neglect/abuse and detained by law enforcement.  This person would need to be someone that is familiar with your child’s therapy and willing to possibly keep the child for possibly several days.  It is important to provide detailed information or have a file with the information that would be required by a caregiver in this potential situation, for example the caregiver needs to know where the parent purchases the child’s required supplements.  Another take-home message Ms. Colin stressed was that administrators and therapists in the school system are NOT to be considered friends. You can be friendly, but it's not a girlfriend gab session.  They should be placed on a need-to-know basis.  They do not need to know all of the details of the bio-med therapies that the parent is using to help the child recover, as these individuals are most likely ignorant of the treatments and may view them unfavorably.

Autism One Day 1

Today was our first day of the Autism One conference.  Not too much to write about today.  I attended one session that was semi-interesting.  I may blog about it later, or not.  The most informative sessions are coming up later in the week.  Erik has agreed to blog the sessions he attends.  Hooray!

Speaking of Erik.  What astounded me last year, and this year, too, is the low number of fathers at Autism One.  I realize some families can only afford for one spouse to miss work.  Also, some families need a parent to stay home with the children or cannot financially afford the trip for two.  But it's the stories of the mothers shouldering this all on their own that break my heart.  I've heart numerous accounts of fathers not being able to face autism and it's challenges.  They either leave, disconnect, or leave the care and research up to the wives.  We all handle stress in different ways, so I can't judge what's in the heart of these men.  Sometimes, like today, I'm reminded of just how blessed I am to have Erik by my side.

Erik sat through the cooking sessions today.  What a guy!  I attended the cooking last year and a few sessions this afternoon.  I'm going to share the most amazing recipe with you.  I'm hoping B someday outgrows his coconut allergy because this recipe is delicious!  I'll share more recipes later.

Coconut Cilantro Chutney 

by Deepa Deshmukh, RD

DuPageDietitians.com

Makes 1 cup of Chutney

Ingredients:

2 cups fresh cilantro (stems and all!)

1/4 cup fresh mint

1/4 cup dry or fresh coconut

2 T pepita (pumpkin seeds)

1 T fresh lemon juice

1/2 salt or to taste

1/2 jalapeno (I'm thinking this could be left out)

1 T cumin (optional)

1/2 cup water for blending, adjust as necessary

1. Using a blender or food processor, puree all ingredients together.

Enjoy:

• As a veggie dip or with crackers
• Blend with rice, quinoa or other grain (quinoa was awesome with this!  I wonder if minced cauliflower would work for GAPS
• Sauce, condiment on eggs or grilled chicken or fish
• Mix into hummus or yogurt

PANDAS, Vulnerability, and God's greater plan

Pediatric Autoimmune Neuropsychiatric Disorder Associated with Streptococcus.  The scientific jargon is a little confusing, so I'll explain it in real person terms.  It's a disorder that mimics Tourettes and Autism.  Some say it's on the Autism Spectrum, some say it's not.  In Bryson, it mimics autism and Tourettes when he is having a food reaction, is overstimulated, over tired, or gets an illness.  Other than that, lately he's been pretty neurotypical.  A little bouncing off the walls and into furniture, but I can't complain.

Have you ever made yourself vulnerable?  A little too vulnerable?  I'm talking holy-cow-I-feel-so-uncomfortable-but-I-can't-help-it vulnerable.  Put yourself out there a little too much?  Yep.  I did that.

I was having a bad, well horrible, few months.  Guilt, blame, anger, sadness, guilt, blame, anger, sadness......like a broken record.  At our MOPS meeting, the speaker was talking about guilt.  The first time he said 'guilt' I left the room in tears.  I honestly don't know what he said during the rest of the speech.  I do know he passed out these sheets that asked us list what was expected of us as mothers and my thought was "to protect your child."  And I felt I didn't do that.  That I'd put my innocent baby in harms way.  That his health is all messed up because I didn't do enough research before making decisions.  By the end of the MOPS meeting, I was a blubbering mess and I blubbered that mess onto our mentor mom.  I'm sure she felt completely caught off guard.  What was this crazy talk?  I did it again at small group....twice.  So, now I feel exposed....vulnerable.  As a shy person, I prefer to keep unfavorable feelings tucked away like a napkin in my pocket.  But my feelings erupted and I let people see my mess of a tissue.

If I could do this year all over again, I'd give myself permission to cry, to vent, to lash out, to complain about the unfairness of it all.  I would tell myself to do this in the presence of God.  Because when all these feelings are stuffed inside, there is little room for joy, for love, for peace.  It's impossible to be an effective anything when joy, love, and peace are lacking.  God is the great healer and I need(ed) to let Him in to heal.

I'm feeling some of that peace and it's a good place to be.  I know it's just a taste of what God can do with this broken heart.  He has blessed us even through this trial.  Awesome.

My little brother (okay, so I need to stop calling him that because he towers over me) said something to me that has had a profound effect.  I was telling him how B's story has been able to help others and that I'm grateful for that, but why does B have to suffer for it?  My brother said maybe the goodness is not lost on B.  God is teaching B incredible self control, preparing him to be the man God intends him to be.  Preparing him to fulfill God's will.   Amen!

Versatile!

I won this award:

Hooray! :0)


I'm not embarrassed to admit I Googled Versatile.  This is what it means according to dictionary.com :

• capable of or adapted for turning easily from one to anotherof various tasks, fields of endeavor, etc.: a versatile writer.  (Yup.  Some may call it ADD.  I much prefer versatile.  And the shoe fits.)

• having or capable of many uses: a versatile tool. (I can write a blog, shop online, check facebook, get my kids back into bed, get my kids back into bed again...all at the same time.  I have many uses!)

• Botany . attached at or near the middle so as to swingfreely, as an anther. (Huh?  I swing freely?  Like an anther?)

Here are the rules for accepting this award:

1. Thank the person who gave you the award and link back to them.

    Thank you Tasha at One Day at a Time.....  Tasha has a sweet blog about her life and  family.  She is a huge advocate for her little boy with Infantile Scoliosis.  And she is a home educator.  I could learn a lot from her!

2. Tell 7 things about yourself.

Ummm....hmmmm...

• When I was 17, I went on a date with a gorgeous guy.  I was smitten.  We're still dating....even if our dates often include our children.  And I'm still smitten.

• I love all vegetables accept for eggplant.  I really want to love it...but yuck!  Maybe I just don't know how to cook it.  I really wish the rest of my family would love veggies because it's really hard to eat a sack of turnips by myself.

• I was a preschool teacher before I had kids and I LOVED teaching.  I miss it sometimes, but I find being a stay at home mom to be more rewarding.

• I'm not scared of bugs if they have 6 legs or less.  Anything over 6 legs is just plain creepy.  I made myself hold a millipede in college to get over my fear. *shudder*  Obviously, it didn't work.

• If any sport involves a ball, even putt putt golf or bowling, I will lose.  Or my team will lose.  I'm that uncoordinated.

• I really enjoy doing the laundry.  I find it soothing, and I can fold while I watch the television.  If anyone would like to clean my kitchen, I'll do your laundry.  Any takers?

• I thought I'd be a lot better at being a wife/mom.  I think we all think that, don't we?  Sometimes I wish I had a mentor to come in and show me how it's done.  But when my kids give me a zillion hugs throughout the day and when Erik gives me that same smile that melted my 17 year old heart, I realize God has blessed me immensely and I'm eternally grateful. 

3. Now I must pass on the Versatile Blogger Award.  I follow a lot of great blogs!

I'm linking to my dear friend at Copelands on the Cusp.  She just has the sweetest family.  I love her writing and I admire her mothering skills.  I want to be her when I grow up. :)

PS- Please forgive the funkiness of this blog entry's format.  I'm not quite sure what happened, but I'm going to swing like an anther and let it go.

Funky Flaws and Following Through

We've all got weird quirks and funky flaws....right?  Please tell me I'm not the only one.  For instance, I have a phone dialing phobia, but I love to receive phone calls.  I can walk over a pair of shoes in the middle of the hallway for two days, and they only seem out of place to me if company comes.  I've lost my keys so many times, Erik had about six keys for our minivan made for me.  I use lots of run on sentences, too many commas, and commas in all the wrong places.  Here's a new one I've discovered:  If I say I will blog about something in my blog, I don't....or I can't seem to put together the words to form the post.  Remember how my home school post only had parts one and two?  Remember when I was going to blog about everyone who has so graciously helped us with B?


(I need to add a HUMONGOUS thank you to Seth here.  Our friend Seth drove to our house weekly, sometimes twice a week, to give B his allergy shot for us.  How many people are that kind and generous?  Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!  And thank you Shari for praying and being so supportive of Seth helping us out.  You two are wonderful!)

Back to the following through......I said I was going to write about the GAPS diet and haven't tackled it yet.  So, I will not blog about it...ever.  Especially not in the next week. I won't explain how it heals a leaky gut.  How animal fats and fermented foods are good for you.  I definitely won't tell you how it can decrease food intolerances.  I won't write about deciding B and I will be doing this together.  All this will not be coming soon.......so stay tuned. :)

Hotdog Soup

Sounds disgusting, huh?  I threw it together tonight and B & Jilly loved it, so I thought I'd share.  this would be much healthier with dried, soaked beans...but I was in a pinch for time.

1 can of black beans drained and rinsed
1 nitrate free buffalo hotdog sliced
1 carrot peeled and chopped
1 stalk of celery chopped
1 1/2 cups of sea salted water or beef broth if tolerated
ground fennel to taste
cumin to taste

Add all ingredients and bring to a boil.  Then simmer until vegetables are soft.

It's not gourmet, but when B and Jilly both like something, it's worth sharing. :)

Edited to replace sage with fennel and to say this really is a kid soup.  I didn't like it, but B & J loved it.  So, cook at your own risk!

Update

B is doing really great.  Sometimes we get that look from people I know means they wonder if there is anything wrong with B's health at all.  I wonder if they think I'm some kind of Munchausen mom.  Believe me, this is not the case.  I would LOVE to give B slice of cake and ice cream or just make him a pb&j on the fly.  It would be FANASTIC to not give him allergy and B12 injections.  It would be AWESOME if he didn't have to take  supplements.  The fact that we get these looks means all of the above is working.  Hooray!

We had an interesting time this month when B caught some kind of infection.  We suspect strep because of the PANDAS and the way he was acting.  The throat culture came back negative, but strep can target other parts of the body, so I'm not convinced it wasn't a PANDAS flair.  Any veteran PANDAS moms want to weigh in?  This really is all new to me.

B woke up screaming that the light was hurting his eyes.  Uh-Oh.  He had a fever and was lethargic.  I sent him back to his bed.  Periodically, he'd get up to use the rest room or get a drink.  When he washed his hands, he turned the water off, then on, then off, then on about 10 times.  Then I heard a squeak, no, more of a hiccup.  When I checked on him, I realized he was swallowing air.  Over and over again.  A new tic.  Throughout the day, his little tummy became so distended, he was crying.  "Mommy, is my tummy going to feel this way forever?" More squeaks.  Swallowing air.  He was throwing screaming tantrums.  Fixating on things.  At one point he screamed, "I'm going to throw up!" and ran to the bathroom where he let out the longest burp.  Poor kid had swallowed too much air.  The next day, he just cried and yelled, "I can't stop burping!"  He couldn't stop swallowing air.  His other tics all came back, too.  I was worried.  

We called his DAN.  With B's leaky gut, antibiotics are a scary thing.  Antibiotics create more yeast which leads to a leakier gut which leads to more food allergies.  However, a PANDAS flair damages the brain.  Basically, B creates too many antibodies to strep and they attack his brain.  So, the strep needs to be taken care of.  Our DAN recommended we take him to our GP and start B on an antibiotic.  We did just that.  His tics went away except for the swallowing tic.  It seems pretty comfortable.  Our DAN has ordered a test to measure B's strep titers.

Shortly after we finished the course of antibiotics, B's shoulder tic reemerged.  We've noticed he is reacting to some new foods.  Unfortunately, I haven't been able to pinpoint the culprits.  But his ears will turn red, his tics will increase, his tantrums will flair, he'll get a few red splotches on his face.  But this is on a small scale compared to what was going on when he was sick. 

This really showed us that we need to heal his gut, not just avoid foods.  He can't stand to lose any more foods, so we researched some options.  We have decided to follow the GAPS (Gut And Psychology Syndrome) diet.  I will blog more about GAPS hopefully tomorrow.  We will begin when we return from Autism One.

Speaking of Autism One.  I would like to give an overview of the sessions I see on my blog.  I may have Erik be a guest author because he is the one with the scientific brain.  Coming soon in May (I hope!).

Oops...forgot to add.  B has grown and inch and a half and gained two pounds! Yay!  He is growing!

I Will Protect Him

Before my break, I was feeling down, defeated, and really just plain scared.  I was feeding myself too much information.  I really needed to take a step back and focus on what was important.  I took a break from vaccines, autism, politics, the news, etc...  I can't even begin to tell you how much lighter I feel.  Today, my little brother gave me this quote from AW Tozer: "Nothing should so occupy the mind of the Christian than discovering God each day."  I'm going to tape that to my mirror as a reminder.  Admittedly, I did not seek Christ diligently every day.  God is still working on me.  I took me weeks to realize that a relationship isn't me trying to sneak in a quick quiet time that consists of me reading the word and talking then shutting my Bible.  A relationship with God requires me to listen, to pause, to ask questions.  Isn't that how relationships work?  This does not come easy to me.  I'm still growing.

The first day of my break, Erik was wonderful and watched the kids so I could have a few hours to myself.  I went to a coffee shop, ordered a hot chocolate, and settled down with my Beth Moore Bible study on King David.  (I highly recommend it!)  I was reading, studying, and in the back of my mind thinking of B.  Thinking of the vaccine issue.  Worrying about what ifs.  What if they (vaccines) are mandated.  What if choice is removed.  What would happen to B if this were to happen.  I continued my study when suddenly I felt God speak to me...not heard Him, but felt him. ( It was very similar to this moment: Adjusting )  "I will protect him."  At that moment, I am a sobbing mess in the coffee shop.  Relief, joy, a years worth of worry just melting away.  Now, I don't think that means protecting B from everything life throws his way...but just the issues I was worried about.  I will hold onto those words forever.  I wrote them down as soon as I felt them.

I'm baaaaack

I have so much to write I don't know how I'm going to fit it into one post...maybe I won't.

First, I have to say the time away from facebook/forums/blogging was much needed and cleared my head.  I realize I was beginning to sound a little cuckoo.  I was tempted to hide some posts, but then this blog wouldn't be sincere, so the ugly stays.  I do have a confession.  I went on the internet to research a new nutrition plan for B, to show B what an eardrum looks like, and to look up a few recipes....oh, and I googled toxic encephalopathy.  It was written on B's medical chart and I wanted to know what it was.  Silly me, google didn't take into account that biomedical treatment can fix  things like toxic encephalopathy.  I'm not going to worry.

I feel refreshed.  Renewed in spirit.  So thankful for my heavenly Father and the sweet family he has blessed me with.  Amen and Amen! :)

Now, since my brain works in boxes, I'll start the update in a new post.



.

Little seed planted...

This afternoon, B and I were working on his verse for Cubbies.  Matthew 1:21 "......He will save his people from their sins."  B knows what sin is.  We've had this discussion before.  I explained sin again.  Then we had this conversation:
Me: Do you know who He is.
B: Jesus.
Me: How did he save his people?
B: He died on the cross.
Me: Right, so when He died on the cross, he took all our sin upon himself so we would be free of sin.  He forgives our sins.  That is what is meant by Jesus saving us.
B: Back up.  What did you say?
Me: Jesus saves us.
B: No, what did you say before that?
Me: Jesus forgives our sins.
B: No, I mean, what did He do on the cross?
Me: He took our sins upon himself.
B: Yeah!  Why did he do that?
Me:  He did that so we would be free of sin, so our sins would be forgiven.
B: That was so nice of Jesus!
Me: It was, unbelievably nice.
B: Mommy, did Jesus take my sins away?
Me: If you want him to, he will forgive your sins.
B: How do I do that?
Me: You pray to ask Jesus to come into your heart and.......

B had already begun praying excitedly.  Little hands clasped and eyes squeezed shut.
"Dear God, please come into my heart!  Amen!"  Big grin on his face.

I was so proud and happy.  While I know his little boy mind doesn't completely grasp what God has done for us, it makes my heart soar to see him so excited and to appreciate the gift of God's eternal grace.  I continued to explain to him how we should confess our sins to God and ask his forgiveness.  That asking Jesus into his heart means he should do what God wants him to do.  This will be an ongoing conversation.  Reason number 582 that I love Jesus.  We are always learning and growing in Him.

Speaking of growing in Christ.  I'm giving up the internet for Lent.  I've been turning to it for advice, to let off steam, for entertainment, to ease mommy loneliness.  All the reasons, I should turn to God and His word.  So that is exactly what I'll do.  When I feel the urge to go online, I'll plug into prayer, bible study, journaling, and scripture learning.  I'm excited for this growth!

The Brave Dr. Blaylock Explains it All

This is just a quick post.  I have a hard time relaying what happened to B and what his condition is.  What makes perfect sense in the DAN doctor's office doesn't seem to make sense when I try to describe it.  Tonight, Erik stumbled upon this and it fits B (well except for the schizophrenia) like a glove.  Thank you Dr. Blaylock.  You will forever be my favorite neurologist!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xYuYramYdAs&feature=player_embedded

For my family who are still trying to figure out the quirks of the internet, click on the link above ;)

Fight or Flight

I loaded the kids up in our minivan.  Jilly was almost one and a half.  B was three.  I'd heard the Dillon's across town had a new 'special diets' section added the store.  This was to be my first shopping trip after receiving B's food allergy diagnosis.  As we pulled into the parking lot, I was filled with hope.  A plan.  I was taking action.  Finally being proactive to heal my boy.  We got out of the van and I strapped B into the red shopping cart car and Jilly in the front of the cart.  I wheeled the kids into the store to the organic produce section.  I looked at the fruits and veggies.  I tossed some bananas into the cart.  In my head, I'd had the idea I was going to purchase a lot of produce.  When I saw the prices, I deflated a little.  So I picked up some grapes, a few sweet potatoes, some broccoli and decided that would have to be it for produce.  Then I started for the special diets section.

 My heart picked up pace.  I was a little excited to see the special foods just for B.  I wanted to find pasta, waffles, pancakes, chicken strips, muffin mixes....you know, all the foods he always ate but without the allergens. I went to the frozen section first.  Imagine my surprise when not one waffle, pancake, or ice cream would work for B.  No chicken nuggets, no soups, no cake mixes, no muffins.  A clerk walked up to me and asked me if she could help me find anything.  I explained B's allergies and she helped me look for a cereal.  She went through every box and every time, I shook my head.  I thanked her for help while trying to keep it together.  As she walked away, I lost it.  I stood in the middle of that store and cried.  I felt helpless, defeated.  The wind had left my sails.  As I dried my eyes and continued my search, a girl walked up to me, a fellow organic mommy, and said something like, "Good for you for feeding your kids well.  I can tell they are really healthy."  The irony hit me.  Here I was trying to find carbon copies of the junk I was used to feeding my boy (in a healthier version).  I did not know how to feed him and he was super unhealthy.  So unhealthy the very food he ate was attacking his skinny little body.

Fast forward to now.  Yesterday we went to Whole Foods.  I LOVE that store and wish the closest one wasn't over an hours drive.  We loaded the kids into the red car.  I filled the cart with fruit, vegetables, almond milk, hemp milk, different oils, flours, meats.  I know what to feed B.  He is so much healthier.  The shopping has become much easier.  So, I thought I was handling things.  Smoother sailing.

Today in church, I realized I'm not handling things.  I tried to concentrate on the sermon but my mind was wandering. Many of you know, and some of you do not know, that I whole heartedly believe B was injured by his vaccinations.  I have only skimmed the subject in this blog because I don't want that to be the focus.  I don't even know when I'll be able to share, I only know it's not now.  Anyway, when somebody is faced with a threat it is a natural response to go into fight or flight mode.  It hit me, right there in church, that that is what I have been going through this year.

I have been unplugging.  Not facing my day to day responsibilities with strong effort.  Not giving my children or Erik my full attention.  This is so hard to admit.  I find ways to distract myself.  An audio book, the radio, the internet, games.  Seriously, you know you've played too many games of 'Angry Birds' when your child is overheard praying, "Dear God, please give mommy more birds so she can defeat those piggies.  Amen."  Worse than that, I have not been giving God my full self.  I've half heartedly finished my devotions while my mind drifts.  My prayers have not been fervent and strong.  This is me in flight mode.

I have also been in 'fight' mode.  If you are my facebook friend you know this and probably question my sanity.  I want to fight the drug companies that did this to my son.  I want to expose the greed, the corruption, the lies.  Unfortunately, fight mode is not pretty, either.  It can be all consuming.  It has made me bitter.  It has taken every thought captive.  It has robbed me of joy.

Obviously, I need to get a grip and refocus.  I have a Heavenly Father, waiting with his arms outstretched for me to rest in Him.  He is good.  He is love.  And I need to rest this weary mind.  With this I am asking for prayer from those of you who share a love of this amazing God.  Please pray that I can get off this vicious cycle of fight or flight.  Pray that God would heal my heart, that my focus be on Him.  That God grant me peace that surpasses all understanding.  That I would be aware of His answers before going into 'fight' mode.  That I would have clarity of mind.  That I would plug back into my family.  Thank you.

 Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. ⁷ And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.  -Philippians 4:6-7

Not Good Science

A few months ago, I went to a traditional allergist because I was having a little difficulty breathing.  I thought, why take the hour long trip to B's allergist?  I'll just make the appointment in town.  I should have went to B's allergist.

I was waiting in the exam room when the Dr. walked in.  We'll call her Dr. V.  The first question she asked me was, "Would you like to get a flu shot?"  "No thank you," I replied.  She actually stuck her bottom lip out, and in a childish voice said, "Why? Are you scared?"  At that moment I knew this appointment was a mistake.  I explained to her that B reacted badly to his vaccines and we are cautious.

Then she asked me about allergies in the family.  I explained B's environmental and food allergies.  Some of his food allergies are IgE's or immediate response and some are IgG's or delayed response.  She looked me in the eye and said, "There's no good science in that (IgG's)."  I told her about B's tics and she said, "Every child tics."  I said, "Really, to the point of crying and making himself bleed?"  She replied, "Well, maybe not that bad."  I told her how removing the IgG's stopped the tics, sensory issues, bowel problems.  She continued to dismiss me.  Then finally said, "Well, if it works...." in a tone that expressed 'okay, whatever, you're obviously a little off your rocker.'

 I then may have invited her over to our house to watch B eat a piece of bread....or maybe that request took place in my head.

What Dr. V meant by 'not good science' was that it was not 'drug company funded' science.  If we can heal our children through diet, that means no profit for the drug companies.  And there is a push to discredit anything that would steer anyone in the direction of supplements and diet.

A drug company funded study tells me my child didn't stop ticking.  The drug companies tell me my child's constipation didn't go away.   The drug companies tell me its bad science that B can now tolerate loud noises.  The drug companies tell me I'm grasping at straws, seeing things that aren't really there.  The drug companies tell me my child's tantrums did not cease and should I put him on a well studied psychotropic drug instead.

Nine months ago, this was B.  He was just barely tolerating small pushes on his swingset: http://fortheloveofb.blogspot.com/2010/06/kicking-leaves.html
Last month, HE RODE A ROLLER COASTER!"
"Not good science" did that.  "Not good science" brought my son back.

After finding out I did not have asthma, Dr. V sat me down and told me it was all in my head.  That I couldn't breath because I was thinking about breathing too much.

Later, that week I went to the chiropractor.  My rib was out.  The doc put it back in place and I took a long, deep breath.  Only, well, I guess that couldn't have happened because chiropractic medicine is also not 'good science'.

Jesus Lord, Amen

B has faith so big for a little guy.  He is constantly going to God in prayer.  He loses a toy, he prays about it.  If we go on a trip, he prays about it.  If Jilly is sad, he prays about it.  Sometimes he likes to scribble write letters to God.  Then he asks for an envelope and puts them in the mailbox.  While he writes, he verbalizes what he is "writing."  I learn so much about him by listening in.  When he was almost 3, we were in the middle of eating lunch when he got down from the table and headed outside. I asked him where he was going and he said, "I'm going to talk with God."  I thought maybe he was trying to get out of lunch, but as I listened at the door, he had his face lifted to the sky and was chattering away.  Sometimes, I get so busy, I don't pause to just chat with God.

 He says, “Be still, and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, 
I will be exalted in the earth.” Psalm 46:10



We had this exchange earlier this week and it made me pause and reflect on my own heart:

B: Mommy?  Do some kids not have families?
Me: Yes.  It's very sad.
B: I'm glad I have a nice family.  Mommy?
Me: Yes?
B: Are some Mommies and Daddies not nice to their children?
Me: Yes.  And that is very sad, too.
B: Why don't those Mommies and Daddies love their kids?
Me: I don't know.  I don't understand it because I love you and Sissy so much.  I feel really bad for kids whose Mommies and Daddies are not nice.  Maybe you could pray for them.
B: Yeah.  And Mommy?  I think we should pray for the Mommies and Daddies, too.

Wow.  What an incredible reminder that we need to pray not just for the innocent, but for the wicked.  Hadn't even crossed my mind, yet my sweet four year old completely gets it.


B: Mommy?  Can we pray together?
Me: Sure baby.

I held B's hand and was about to start the prayer when he began:

"Dear God, please help all the children whose Mommies and Daddies are not nice.  Please help the Daddies and Mommies so they love their kids.  And please help the kids who don't have any families.  Jesus Lord, Amen"