Hurdles

Today, we helped B's Nana with a garage sale.  Some giant hurdles were leaped with this sale.  The first: B was able to let go of some toys.  This is huge for him.  He has emotional attachments to almost everything.  He asks me take pictures of his jammies when he outgrows them.  He saves torn art projects and broken toys.  The fact that he let people walk off with his toys was a big milestone.  I was very proud.

The second hurdle: he greeted the customers.  He walked over them and explained how toys worked.  He didn't hide inside or behind me.  He drew pictures for them.  He reciprocated conversation.  He didn't stand in the front yard shouting, "Who wants to buy a picture?"  like his sister.  :)  He was polite, and helpful, and very brave.  Social situations are not usually his cup of tea.

Two women stopped by the sale with 3 children.  One little boy of about 3 or 4 kept darting from his mom, toward a certain table.  His mom took an item out of his hand, he picked it up.  She said "no" and took it from his hands again.  He began to cry loudly and picked it up.  I empathized with this mom, remembering a younger B.  I remembered when we tiptoed around every situation because it would set off a meltdown.  We were constantly trying  to be aware of the triggers.  When he would have a meltdown, nothing would calm him.  We would leave wherever we were and go to the car, or home. or somewhere B could be alone with us.  A place without a lot of people around.  It didn't hit me until those mothers and their children left that that little boy had autism.  I mentioned something to Erik and he said, "Yes, she had a 'walk for autism' shirt on."  I looked at B, sitting quietly, printing his name on a portrait of himself sitting in a race car.  I realized then and there how tall that hurdle was....and he cleared it.  From numerous meltdowns...even hourly meltdowns, to very few.  Maybe one, if that, a day.  They are shorter and milder than our days of hour long screeching over something that seemed so minute to us, but was monumental to him.  He watched that little boy, not with a puzzled look, but with a look of understanding?  wonder?  interest?   When the little boy left, I explained to B that he had autism and it made it hard for him to calm down.  B replied, "Oh.  I get it.  Mommy?  When the lights hurt my eyes....is that autism, too?"  He understands more than I ever give him credit for.

People have asked me if B has autism and I never know how to answer that question.  His official diagnosis is PANDAS.  At the conference last week, this link was cleared up for me...sort of.  Dr. Rosario Tifeletti explained PANDAS as following a pattern:  Neurotypical----->PANDAS---->PDD-NOS---->Autism.  Had we taken B to a doc who was not familiar with PANDAS, I believe he would have been diagnosed with PDD-NOS (Pervasive Development Disorder-Not Otherwise Specified).  He certainly fit the mold at that point in time (before biomed).  PDD-NOS is on the autism spectrum.   We also learned that it is important to decrease the brain inflammation.....or B may regress back to PDD-NOS or further on autism spectrum.  Erik learned at another lecture that the key to reducing the inflammation is healing the gut.  It all comes back to increased intestinal permeability or "leaky gut" and it's connection to brain function and overall inflammation in the body.  I probably sound like I'm talking nonsense right now.  Goodness knows I didn't understand a lick of it until I started reading the medical journals and studies.  So, we have to heal the gut.  We have to.

These past few months, B's tics have been more severe and continuous.  His speech has been affected...which I mentioned in another post.  While he used to be quick with an answer and very articulate, it now takes him a long time to say what he wants to say.  He's still articulate, it just takes him longer and he drags out his words.  Pair these things with the bladder issues (the number 3 reported symptom of PANDAS by the way) and we've got our work cut out for us.  Heal the intestinal lining and reduce inflammation.  That's what we have to do.  We are going to embark on a new protocol for this (in conjunction with biomed...but fewer supplements).   I'm a little nervous.  I don't want to set him back, but I know we need to do something different to move us forward.  Please pray wisdom for us.  That Erik and I follow God's leading...that we hear Him loud and clear.  I've known we've needed to do something different for a while now, but I've been hesitant to change what we are doing even if it's just momentarily.  I've been waiting for the okay, but I think this time God is giving it to Erik and I need to trust him.  B's jumped some tall, tall hurdles....this is will be his biggest one yet.

Words

Selfish.
Dangerous.
Crazy.
Ignorant.

Words that have been used to describe me for ceasing vaccinations for my children.

Unfit parents.
Not based on science.
Can't accept their children for who they are.  Unloving.
Dangerous.
Munchausen moms.

Phrases used to describe biomedical treatments and the parents who choose them for their children.


These words stick.  As much as I'd like them to roll off my back, they sting.  Mostly because the people saying them cannot see my heart, or my child.  My child is nothing to them.  Just an anecdote...that's another one.  My child's life is summed up as 'anecdotal' as in "That's just anecdotal  you should trust in the science."  To me, he is my world.  We live the anecdote.  And we do have the science to back us up if people would take the time to read it.  But that is not what this post is about.  I just wanted to give you, dear readers, a glimpse of the weight I have been carrying on my shoulders.  All those heavy judgments.

B needed a new primary care doctor.  I have been hesitant to take him back to a strictly allopathic practice.  To place that trust in somebody again...I can't even tell you how hard that is.  I dragged the weight of those judgments into a family practice last week.  I wanted to interview a physician to see if she was the right fit for our family...especially for B.  I don't know why, but to get this interview, I had to fill out my health history and get weighed and all that other preliminary stuff.

The nurse and I started off on the wrong foot almost immediately.  She asked me to step on the scale and I was perplexed.  "Is this necessary?  I'm only here to speak with the physician to discuss the possibility of primary care."  She looked unamused and said, "Yes. You have to do it."  Then we went into an exam room.  She asked for my health history and asked for any medications and I didn't know the exact doses of my supplements because I didn't think I needed them for the interview.  She was short with me about that.  Then she asked if I was up to date on my vaccinations and I replied that I wasn't sure.  "You aren't sure???"  She was irritated.  I told her I wasn't going to be vaccinated further.  She paused and stared through me.  A look that threw those heavy stones of judgement all over again.  When she asked for family health history, I couldn't even concentrate anymore.  I finally said, "I just spent 15 minutes writing all of this out on the 7 pages the receptionist asked me to fill out.  Would it be easier to look there?"  I was done.  Mentally exhausted and super nervous about talking to the doctor.  The nurse took my blood pressure.  It was high.  It has never been high.  I told her it's always been low...sometimes a little too low.  She said some people get high blood pressure when they are nervous.  Ding! Ding! Ding!  I asked for a drink of water.  I knew I was about to lose it.  When she brought me the water, tears were already stinging my eyes.  I didn't know if I could face more judgement.  How was I going to talk to this doctor knowing she would disagree with the very way I'm raising my children?  Would I have to sit through a lecture on my bad parenting?

I waited...and waited...and prayed.  Prayed for God to open the heart of the physician.  Prayed that she could see my love for B and know that I have his best interest at heart.  Prayed that God would sooth my nerves enough for me to get through it.

In came the physician.  I was so nervous, I didn't know where to start, so I pulled out my phone.  On it, I saved a video of B having a tic episode.  I turned it on and said, "I would like you to see my son."  She watched the video quietly.  When it was over, I said, "That is so you know I am not a Munchausen mom."  I then shared B's medical history with her.  From vomiting after his six month vaccines, to the full body rash from the MMR.  A rash that I didn't even report because it is so drilled into us that vaccines are safe that I didn't think it was serious.  To his waking up around 18 months with the light gone from his eyes.  His whole countenance had changed.  I'd forgotten to mention his reaction to the HepB vaccine at birth.  I told her we will not be vaccinating further and our daughter will not be vaccinated either.  She listened.  She believed me.   She said that while she believes in and promotes vaccination, they do carry a risk and not every child can handle them.  She said that I am doing the right thing by protecting my children.  I am not selfish.  And nobody has the right to make me feel bad about that decision.

 I told her about the sensory issues.  How they'd practically disappeared with biomed.  I told her our biomed physician is a medical doctor with a PhD in biophysics.  That we trust him and what he has done for B.  That he is not a quack.   She listened and did not interrupt.  I explained B's health before and after biomedicine and she was not dismissive.  She said, "That is amazing."  In fact, she told me the story of one of her patients.  A mother swore her child's seizures were being caused by his amalgam fillings.  Doctors would not believe this mom.  They poo pooed the idea.  The fillings were removed and the child is seizure free. He was able to cease his seizure medication.  She told me that parents know more about their children than their doctors do.  I could not believe my ears.  Sweet music to my very soul.

I was upfront about B's supplement list.  It is long.  I told her my husband is a pharmacist and we've researched every supplement and is she okay with that.  Could we feel comfortable sharing that list with her?  She said her clinic is open to alternative treatments.  She even went on to ask me if we'd tried treating PANDAS with silver because it is a natural antibiotic.  She is open and even somewhat knowledgeable about natural medicine!   I told her my son is very thin and that it is not due to the diet.  She said, "Well, you're not big, yourself."  She went on to tell me about her grandsons.  The eldest is a skinny little thing and the younger one  almost outweighs him.

She told me that she blocked off a good chunk of time for our appointment.  She said they will continue that practice until insurance companies step in.  She said she could conduct a physical in 15 minutes, but it takes a lot longer to find out what is going on in the life of a patient.

We shook hands and as she walked out the door, she paused with a warm smile and said, "You are welcome here."


I felt the weight of the judgment I have been carrying for 2 and a half years slide off.  All the worry, the anger, the frustration.  You are selfish-----gone.  Dangerous-----gone.  Crazy-----gone.  Ignorant-----gone.

You are welcome here.

Perspective

"Mom, where's my Cheetos?"
"Mommy, I really miss cheese."
"When can I have pizza again?"
"When will my allergies go away?"
"Will I always have to have allergy shots?"

"I don't want a B12 shot!"

"Why do I need an epipen?  Does it hurt?"
"Am I allergic to this soap?"

Sometimes, I wonder if B feels micromanaged.  I worry that he will resent me for being so hyper vigilant about his surroundings and what he eats.  I do my best to recreate the foods he misses.  I try to let him make choices.  But there is a lot of 'no' and 'I'm sorry.'  He hears it too often.  Sometimes he just wants to fit in.  Eat what his friends are eating.  Eat the cake at the birthday party.  Have the same treats wrapped in cellophane.  Enjoy everything at the family dinner.  I'm always amazed at his will power and the way he mostly lets it roll off his back.  But lately, I've been getting the questions.  The hurt look in his eyes when I once again tell him,  "I'm sorry baby, there's _______ in that."  To him, it must feel like he is controlled.  This worries me and makes me wonder...will he one day resent me?

God gave me perspective today.  He took those worries and eased them.  He worked through B and spoke to my heart.

We met some friends at the park today.  B needed a drink and ran a little further than I was comfortable with.  There were a lot of school groups at the park today.  I ran behind him and watched from a distance as he drank water from the fountain.  When turned around and saw me, his face lit up.  He walked to me and grabbed my hand.  "Mommy?  Is there a gooder mommy than you in this world?"  My mind was thinking, "Absolutely,"  but I answered, "What do you think?"  He thought a second and said, "I don't think there is.  You are the best mommy."

B had an award ceremony tonight for AWANAS.  Each child got a sack of prizes and goodies.  His Spark leaders are awesome and filled his sack with a few fun things and about 4 Dum Dum suckers, a safe candy for him.  Candy is a rare treat at our house.  B prizes it when he gets a kind he can eat.  When we got home, he picked out a strawberry Dum Dum and said, "Would you like this one mommy?"

He is thoughtful and kind and selfless.   I may not be the goodest mommy in the world, but I am the most blessed.  Thank you God, for this little boy who teaches  me so much and for his little sister who fills our hearts with laughter.

Little seed planted...

This afternoon, B and I were working on his verse for Cubbies.  Matthew 1:21 "......He will save his people from their sins."  B knows what sin is.  We've had this discussion before.  I explained sin again.  Then we had this conversation:
Me: Do you know who He is.
B: Jesus.
Me: How did he save his people?
B: He died on the cross.
Me: Right, so when He died on the cross, he took all our sin upon himself so we would be free of sin.  He forgives our sins.  That is what is meant by Jesus saving us.
B: Back up.  What did you say?
Me: Jesus saves us.
B: No, what did you say before that?
Me: Jesus forgives our sins.
B: No, I mean, what did He do on the cross?
Me: He took our sins upon himself.
B: Yeah!  Why did he do that?
Me:  He did that so we would be free of sin, so our sins would be forgiven.
B: That was so nice of Jesus!
Me: It was, unbelievably nice.
B: Mommy, did Jesus take my sins away?
Me: If you want him to, he will forgive your sins.
B: How do I do that?
Me: You pray to ask Jesus to come into your heart and.......

B had already begun praying excitedly.  Little hands clasped and eyes squeezed shut.
"Dear God, please come into my heart!  Amen!"  Big grin on his face.

I was so proud and happy.  While I know his little boy mind doesn't completely grasp what God has done for us, it makes my heart soar to see him so excited and to appreciate the gift of God's eternal grace.  I continued to explain to him how we should confess our sins to God and ask his forgiveness.  That asking Jesus into his heart means he should do what God wants him to do.  This will be an ongoing conversation.  Reason number 582 that I love Jesus.  We are always learning and growing in Him.

Speaking of growing in Christ.  I'm giving up the internet for Lent.  I've been turning to it for advice, to let off steam, for entertainment, to ease mommy loneliness.  All the reasons, I should turn to God and His word.  So that is exactly what I'll do.  When I feel the urge to go online, I'll plug into prayer, bible study, journaling, and scripture learning.  I'm excited for this growth!

Jesus Lord, Amen

B has faith so big for a little guy.  He is constantly going to God in prayer.  He loses a toy, he prays about it.  If we go on a trip, he prays about it.  If Jilly is sad, he prays about it.  Sometimes he likes to scribble write letters to God.  Then he asks for an envelope and puts them in the mailbox.  While he writes, he verbalizes what he is "writing."  I learn so much about him by listening in.  When he was almost 3, we were in the middle of eating lunch when he got down from the table and headed outside. I asked him where he was going and he said, "I'm going to talk with God."  I thought maybe he was trying to get out of lunch, but as I listened at the door, he had his face lifted to the sky and was chattering away.  Sometimes, I get so busy, I don't pause to just chat with God.

 He says, “Be still, and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, 
I will be exalted in the earth.” Psalm 46:10



We had this exchange earlier this week and it made me pause and reflect on my own heart:

B: Mommy?  Do some kids not have families?
Me: Yes.  It's very sad.
B: I'm glad I have a nice family.  Mommy?
Me: Yes?
B: Are some Mommies and Daddies not nice to their children?
Me: Yes.  And that is very sad, too.
B: Why don't those Mommies and Daddies love their kids?
Me: I don't know.  I don't understand it because I love you and Sissy so much.  I feel really bad for kids whose Mommies and Daddies are not nice.  Maybe you could pray for them.
B: Yeah.  And Mommy?  I think we should pray for the Mommies and Daddies, too.

Wow.  What an incredible reminder that we need to pray not just for the innocent, but for the wicked.  Hadn't even crossed my mind, yet my sweet four year old completely gets it.


B: Mommy?  Can we pray together?
Me: Sure baby.

I held B's hand and was about to start the prayer when he began:

"Dear God, please help all the children whose Mommies and Daddies are not nice.  Please help the Daddies and Mommies so they love their kids.  And please help the kids who don't have any families.  Jesus Lord, Amen"

The Earth's Pull

There are two words that I think will always go together.  Every attempt to separate them is futile.  They are magnetic.  As strong as the Earth's pull on the moon and the moon's pull on the Earth.  The two words are 'Mommy' and 'Guilt.'

We have three pictures hanging int the hallway.  B is a few weeks old laying on a blue blanket.  He has that new born, wide eyed stare.  Perfect skin, perfect eyes, perfect little nose.  I can see the pictures from our bed.  They used to make me smile, thinking of sweet baby B.  Lately, the pictures have been haunting me.  His eyes stare at me with such vulnerability.  And I wonder, is it my fault?  Did I cause this?  There are so many things I should have done differently.  What was the tipping point?

Was it the reaction to his Hep B in the hospital?  We didn't know severe jaundice is a side effect.  How could I have ignored the other signs?  Was it the full body rash after the MMR?  Was it the Tylenol I gave him not knowing it depletes glutathione?  What about all the Tylenol I gave him for every little fever?  How could I not know something was wrong when he had so many fevers?  Was it because I started him on solids too soon?  We all started at 4 months when we were babies.  He was just so thin I thought it would help.  I should have heeded his doctor's warnings.  Did I not breastfeed him long enough?  I succumbed to pressures and stopped even though my heart was telling me something different.  Was it all the milk I let him drink, knowing it was too much?  When I think of B as a baby, I find myself pushing the memories away because with those memories comes a sense of  "You did this.  You could have prevented this.  He depended on you."  In my head I know that is wrong.  I know it's not logical.  But mommy and guilt and guilt and mommy......

I've been praying about this because I know that God doesn't want me to look back on those sweet baby days with regret.  Today, He gave me the greatest gift.  God knows our hearts even when we don't.  I truly believe that.  

We were eating lunch and Jilly scooted her plate over and climbed into my lap.  Then she said, "Rock me."  Instinctively, I began to sing a lullaby.  B looked at me and said, "Mommy, I want you to rock me."  Be still my heart.   My little boy who doesn't sit long enough for a good cuddle wants me to rock him.  Not wanting to take the moment away from Jilly, I promised him I'd rock him after I laid Jilly down for her nap.  

I laid Jilly down in her crib, closed the door, and headed for the rocking chair.  B climbed up into my lap and I began to sing the lullabies I would sing to him as a toddler.  I breathed in his sweet little boy smell and let the memories wash over me.  He laid his head on my on my chest, scrunched up his gangly arms and legs, and closed his eyes.  I began to think of the way his high toddler voice would join mine.  How his baby fine hair felt under my chin.  How he put his head on my shoulder at the exact moment in the lullaby every time.  How his fingers would curl around mine.  I felt that God was whispering to me, "He loves you.  Your love for him trumps everything.  It's okay.  It's okay.  It's okay."  Holding my boy was like a hug from God.  Reliving those moments without guilt, with only joy in my heart.  God can break ties as strong as the Earths pull on the moon, the moon's pull on the Earth.

B looked up at me, put his finger on my face and said, "Mommy, what's that water on your face?"  Thank you God, for that precious gift.

Answered Prayer

I'm sitting in the living room of my Mom's house.  This is the house where I spent all my preteen/teen years.  It's funny how I suddenly feel like that teenager immediately when I step through the door.  I remember dreaming about my future.  I'd marry the perfect guy who would always hold my hand.  check.  We'd have adorable children.  Check.  I'd be the kind of mom who bake cookies for my kids.  (Gluten free/dairy free/low sugar on rare occasions). Check.  Read them bedtime stories. Check.  Snuggle for hours on end. (A few minutes here and there between laundry, cleaning the kitchen, cooking, letting the dog out....) Check.  My house would look like the houses in magazines. Ummm....  My children would always behave.  Errrr...  I would make sure I always looked very nice when my husband got home from work....Uhhhh.  Dinner would be on the table at 5:30. ehhhh....  Life would be easy breezy....Hahaahahaaa!

Looking back, I realize I had planned a big snooze fest.  My reality is much, much better.  What I have is a husband who loves me unconditionally even on the days I look a mess.  He is my soul mate.  I am so blessed.  Two adorable kids who crack me up, make me smile, and melt my heart.  A house that is full of love...and clutter...but mostly love.  A life that is full of challenges, big challenges, that constantly remind me to lean on God.  I have to admit, lately I've not been so good about leaning on God.  I've been so wrapped up in the day to day, I'm gonna do it my way, that I lost sight of the fact that God is looking out for us.  God showed me, through B, that I need to lean on Him.

B has an extreme fear of swallowing pills.  He takes a lot of them and I have to get creative and hide them.   Just saying the words, "This would be so much easier if you would learn to swallow pills," would cause him to panic and cry.  Sometimes he would run off.  He was terrified.  Two nights ago, we started him on Olive Leaf Extract to combat the Strep antibodies.  This is BITTER medicine.  I sprinkled the contents of the pill on jelly and he choked it down, literally, in 4 swallows.  He was crying, it was that bad.  Then I said the dreaded words mentioned above.  He immediately put his hands over his mouth and cried.  "I can't swallow pills.  I don't want to swallow pills!"  He was still upset when I tucked him into bed.  I covered him up and said, can I pray for you about swallowing pills?  He gave me permission and I began, asking God to make B brave.  I don't like to reveal this, but I had doubt.  I didn't think God was going to answer that prayer...like it was too big a request.  Silly, considering God can move mountains!

This morning, I told B he could have a bike if he'd swallow a pill.  Yes, I used bribery, but this was a really big deal.  He was terrified, and asked, "But mommy what if it goes down my wrong pipe?"  B is very literal.  He really thought we all have a right pipe and a wrong pipe.  I answered, "We only have one pipe.  Can you feel it?" B, looking at me incredulously, "We do?  Only one pipe?  I don't have a wrong pipe?"  At this point, I'm trying really hard not to laugh.  B took the pill from my hand, walked over to his cup of water, and swallowed the pill!  From terror to fearless!  A smile of relief broke out on his face.  "That wasn't so bad!"  I kid you not, he took all his suppliments that way today!  I am thoroughly convinced God made B brave.  And B is convinced, too.  Later on in the day he said, "Mommy, if I get scared to swallow pills again, we can pray again.  That's just in case God loses my braveness."

I am ashamed that I doubted.  I am in awe that God used my little boy to minister to my heart.  He showed me that He is watching over us, loving us.  God is good!  So good!

PANDAS.....It has a name!

Ladies and Gentlemen, we have diagnosis.  I can't tell you how much relief it brings me to give a name to this thing.  B has PANDAS or ‘Pediatric Autoimmune Neuropsychiatric Disorder Associated with

Streptococcus.'  I'd like to tell you all about this disease named after a cute, lovable bear but it's all new to me and I have a lot of research to do.  Here is a link full of great information: http://www.pandasresourcenetwork.com/about-pandas/pandas-faqs.html

Here are a few things we found out today:

1. B is not metabolizing saturated fats properly so we will be adding more.

2. We should have started B12 shots and olive leaf extract months ago.  We have a loooooong list of supplements to add to his already extensive list.  Any tips for a little guy who can't swallow pills and hates smoothies?

3. There is an Asian Market that has sweet potato pasta.  Can't wait to get back to that city so I can hunt for these!

4. B is hypoglycemic in the night and needs a high protein snack before bed.

5. His yeast has increased (already knew that) so we need to increase his crazy expensive probiotics.  If you see us in our van without hubcaps please know we bought probiotics instead.  Ha!

6.  B has not grown at all (height or weight) in the past 3 months...probably longer.  Hopefully with these supplements, he absorb more nutrition.

7. His metal levels have decreased a little, so he's chelating on his own a little.  With the exception of mercury.  He is still accumulating and we have no idea how.

I'm sitting here in B's movie theater.  (His dark room, bottom bunk, and a portable DVD player).  We are watching Dumbo.  This was his favorite when he was 2.  It's bringing back so many memories.  He has a wooden magnetic train he used to push up and down the hallway singing, "Dumbo choo choo train.  Going down the track. With a smoky stack."  I now see the love Dumbo's mother had for him in a whole new light.  She would do anything to protect her sweet baby.  Just like we are doing everything we can to protect and treat our sweet B.

Earlier this week, we made a chocolate cake (the best ever!) for B to take to Cubbies to celebrate Jesus's birthday.  B asked me, "Are we sharing with my friends?"  I told him there would be other cake for his friends.  His response: "Oh, so just me and Jesus are going to eat it?"  I love this little guy so much!  He never fails to make me smile.

Lessons

I'd like to interrupt the HS decision stories with a lesson I learned this week.  I've been worried about how I can teach my children to develop characteristics that I don't have. How can I teach them organization when I am so scattered?  How can I teach them patience when so often I run out of it?  How can I teach them physical education when I am very very VERY uncoordinated?  Seriously, if it has a ball, I can't play it.

If you know me in real life, you will know that I am terrible at following through.  I get excited about something and lose interest half way because I get excited about something else.  For this reason, if you look carefully through my drawers and cupboards (please don't!), you might find:  Jewelry making supplies even though I only made one pair of earrings, artist chalk for that one drawing, a pilates video that made for a challenging workout...twice, half a crocheted potholder, an exercise ball that has become a favorite toy for B&J.....the list goes on....and on....and on.....

This summer, I bought the kids a wading pool.  It had a slipper slide and a dinosaur that sprays water through it's mouth.  B & J had great fun with this!  (four times)  Do you see a pattern here?  In my lack of following through, I drained the pool and let it sit on the deck until this week.  From July to October.  It was green, mossy, slimy, dirty, full of leaves.  All of me wanted to throw it out and forget about it.  The temptation was STRONG.  I looked at B and said, "What if we throw this out and get a different one next year?"  B said, "Mommy, I love it."

That is what I needed to hear.  If I threw it out, what would that teach B about being good stewards of what God has given us?  Aren't I always asking him to pick his toys up so they won't get ruined?  Then it hit me.  This is how I teach my children what I may not possess.  They will observe me dealing with the consequences.  I will learn these traits right along with them.

I explained to B that because I left the pool out to get yucky, it was my responsibility to scrub it clean.  I can not even begin to describe the look of satisfaction it gave him to realize Mommy makes mistakes...and that I had a punishment of sorts.  I scrubbed and sprayed and scrubbed and sprayed.  B and Jilly laughed hysterically when I dropped the sprayer on the ground as it continued to spray me in the face.  I tackled that dinosaur all the while wondering why I hadn't noticed the mocking smirk on its face in July.  It felt good, really good! to get that pool cleaned up and put away.  I didn't have the guilt of ruining their pool and taking the easy way out.

I can't wait to see all the lessons God has planned for my children and me.  Maybe we'll learn organization and patience.  I'm hoping to relearn geography and history.  I didn't pay too much attention the first time around.  You never know, perhaps someday soon I'll be able to throw the football with a perfect spiral...or at least not close my eyes when catching one.

Homeschool Decision Part 2

This is going to sound like it has nothing to do with our decision, but I promise you, it does.  Randomness is my forte.  When I was pregnant with Jilly (2 years ago!) Erik was feeling a nudge to find a new church.  We visited a few but I was pregnant, emotional, and a little unstable.  During one church visit, I was hot, nauseous, and extremely tired.  I just knew that church was not a good fit for us.

 I loooooved the church we were already attending.  I consider the congregation my family.  The pastor had incredible messages every week.  I was involved in ministries.  How could we even think of changing churches?  I told Erik I couldn't do it.  We stayed.  Then a strange thing started to happen.  We slowly became less involved.  We seemed to never be able to go to small group.  We became a little distant with our loved ones there.  Our faith was suffering....really suffering.  We began hit or missing Sundays.

Finally, I realized what I think I knew deep down, all along.  God was calling Erik and I was holding us back.  Ouch.  I was trading comfort for God's plan for our lives.  I still love our old church and it's members.  I would recommend that church to anybody...but God wanted us somewhere else.

I had decided that whatever church Erik decided on was the one we would belong to.  I'm sure you can  guess which on he picked...the one I just knew wasn't a fit for our family.  What a blessing this decision has been!  Turns out pregnancy clouded my vision.  This church challenges me to delve deeper into God's word.  The pastor's messages are so full of truth and make me want to study more.  The people there inspire me with their own walks with God.

I was not letting Erik lead our family.  I was holding us back from living God's will.  For some reason, I tend to learn things the hard way.  I am so thankful our God is gracious and merciful.  That in spite of my disobedience, he continues to bless us.


²²Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord. ²³For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. ²⁴Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything. - Ephesians 5:22-24

Homeschool Decision Part I

A little over a year ago, Erik's cousin's were gracious enough to let us stay at their house and watched our children while we had a class.  Their family ties are undeniably strong...and so is their faith in God.  They and their children were so loving and patient with B.  They are a homeschooling family.  I remember sitting around the dinner table while they shared their homeschooling experience with us.  Something struck a chord with Erik and I was thinking, "Wow.  They seem to have it together, but this is NOT something I even remotely want to do."

On the drive home, Erik lay out all the reasons homeschooling would be beneficial.  I retorted with any argument I could come up with.  I dug my heels in and wouldn't budge.  How's that for a Godly wife?  Finally, I just said, "If this is something God wants us to do, He will have to change my heart."  (while thinking, yeah right, not gonna happen!)  I believe I even called up my brother, and my dad, and..... and gave every reason under the sun why I would never homeschool.

This was all before B's allergy diagnosis.  Yet, even after the diagnosis, I was not considering the option.  We moved to this side of town because I loved the school district.  I love the little elementary schools with the little desks and the alphabet on the walls.  I love the kindergarten circle time rug.  I love the teachers I worked with in the schools.  I love school.  There is a reason my degree is in education.

Erik was still feeling the pull to homeschool.  I prayed that God would change my heart.  I not so patiently waited as I looked online at private schools thinking we could come up with a good compromise.

Abide in Me

When I started this blog, I promised myself I'd be real.  Even when it's ugly.  As much as I'd like to be always positive, always happy, uplifting...sometimes things can be downright stinky and I can get stuck.  Tonight was one of those nights. 

I'm tired.  I'm worried.  I'm angry.  Really angry.  Jonah not wanting to go to Nineveh angry.  I'm exhausted from tracking everything B puts in his mouth, touches, and breathes.  I let the worry run away with my imagination tonight as the 'what ifs' ran rampant.  What if B's toxin level increases?  What if the yeast keeps building?  What if the pancakes he had for breakfast (and lunch) are harming him because of the maple syrup?  What if that spoon he is using is made of tin?  Will he regresss?  His eye blinking has come back.  What has he come in contact with?  Did he develop a new allergy?  What will his future be?  I read an article about gluten intolerance/leaky gut/and cancer.  I read about aluminum causing dimentia, Alzheimers/other neurological diseases.  What if? What if?  What if?.....  I know this is sinful.  I know shouldn't let my mind dwell on such things.  But tonight, it was dwelling.  Setting up camp in a giant pit of worry and anger.  Anger at the drug companies for pushing this years flu vaccine so hard.  A vaccine that contains the same toxins I'm trying so hard to keep out of my boy.  The same toxins that are wreaking havoc on his system.  Angry that I feel like I am shouting and nobody can hear me. 

Tonight, before I blogged, I knew had to take this all to God lest I sin in my anger.  On my knees before the Father, I prayed that God would heal B.  That he will keep him safe.  The thought God kept giving me was, "I (God) have been on this journey with B thus far.  I have been keeping watch over him."  Our earthly bodies are temporary and someday when we get to heaven, B will be allergy/toxin/yeast free :).  Then I prayed that God would take this worry from me.  I gave all of it to God.  He let me know, "You are not alone.  Abide in me.  I will give you rest."  I should place my faith in His love.  Next, the anger.  I prayed that I don't even know how to let go of the anger tonight.  I'm having such a hard time with forgiveness.  I asked God to help me work through the anger and to forgive.  I asked forgiveness for my hard heart.  I think this is going to take more time and prayer.  If you are reading this, and have a few prayers to spare, please pray that God softens my heart and brings me to a place of forgiveness.

A Happy Mistake

This afternoon B and I baked some garfava/tapioca cinnamon muffins.  I measured the ingredients and B "carefully" poured the contents in the mixing bowl.  Then he turned the mixer on full speed as flour flew all over my freshly scrubbed counter, stove, and wall.  We got the giggles pretty good.  In the midst of our hysterics, I completely forgot the baking powder.  This may not normally be a huge deal, but when it comes to gluten free baking, the powder is the key for rising.  Gluten free breads are very dense.  I popped the muffins into the oven. After 10 minutes I realized my mistake.  When the timer went off, I pulled out the squatty 'muffins.'  I decided to try them.  Squish.  They had the consistency of a sponge soaked in syrup.  Gluten free flours are expensive, so I did not give up.  I cut the muffins horizontally into thirds, smashed them into flat circles, popped them into the oven and prayed for the best.

Soon, we had some very nice cinnamon crackers.  These are the first crackers B has had since he has been on his allergy free way of life.  A happy mistake!

I began thinking this evening, how like a squat muffins we can be.  We have our hearts and minds set on life turning out one way.  We want to be  muffins.  Beautiful, easy breezy muffins.  We put all our energy into creating our muffin lives.  But God may not intend for all of us to be muffins.  We are squashed a little, reshaped, and baked  by trials (or refined by fire).  If we trust in God and His will for us, we will become what His heart desires.

¹¹ For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. -Jeremiah 29:11

Lucky Day

We had a much better day today.  B woke up bright and early to help me bake amaranth/quinoa chocolate muffins.  I told him today was a no computer day for me and a not too much television day for him.  He was completely on board.  He said, "Woo Hoo!  Mom, if you use the computer, you will get a fine."  When I asked how I should pay that fine he said, "in my piggy bank."  Smart boy.

We went to Jazzercise and it was fun Friday, which means the kids could dance after class.  They love this!  On the way home, B asked me what a lucky day means.  I told him it is when everything makes you happy.  We ate lunch under the big tree in our front yard.  During our prayer B said, "I'm thankful for God."  Jilly laid on her back, intrigued by all the branches.  B spent his lunch time making us laugh.  Then they played in the bed of the truck.  For some reason this is their favorite activity.  They played until it sprinkled.  I promised B we'd stay out in the sprinkles until they turned to rain.

When Jilly took her nap, B and I  played Buzz, Woody, and Chutes and Ladders people.  Basically the Buzz shows off to the game pieces and they praise everything he does.  We went to the mailbox and we got some junk mail that had happy face stickers.  Of course B thought these were sent to him because it is his 'lucky day.'  Jilly and B had these stickers plastered all over their faces in no time.

B was so sweet to his sister today.  Giving her kisses and helping her.  Jilly was full of love, too.  I think there is something to this no computer/little t.v. thing.  When my attention is elsewhere I tend to miss the blessings God has placed right under my nose.  (I'd better put a quarter in B's piggy bank.  I just wanted to share our 'lucky' day.)

Blah

 It's been one of those nights.  I felt myself pulling away from B and Jilly.  I just wanted to be by myself.  I've been spacey and preoccupied.  I tried to do a movie night, but as riveting as Carebears are, I gave in and brought down the laptop.  Probably not quite the quality time they were looking for.  We did play outside for a bit after that so they got some mommy time.

B is reacting to something.  I'm really hoping its not the popcorn I made for our movies.  A corn allergy would not be a good thing!  I'm hoping it's the bite of rice I let him try in hopes that rice was a false positive.  That was 3 days ago.  Anyway, he threw a tantrum for over an hour because he could not find a certain toy...that he has not played with for at least four months.  While he was looking, he dumped every toy box in his room, the basement, and Jilly's room.  A good mommy would have been helping him look through each box.  This mommy did not.  Instead, I added insult to injury by making him clean up all the messes while he was still upset about losing the toy.  While cleaning, he was mean to his baby sis, so I scolded him (in a not so quiet voice) and sent him to time out.  When his time out was over, he continued to clean.  When he got to the mess in his room, I told him I'd help him with his shoes if he picked up the toys.  I picked up the shoes, then left the room.  A few minutes later he is screaming that I forgot one shoe and I needed to help him pick up the rest of his room.  I ignored the screams and withdrew into my shell that has been my home today.  Then all was quiet in his room.  I checked on him ten minutes later and my heart broke.  His room was spotless. His lights were off and his night light was on.  He had tucked himself in and fell asleep.  His bedtime routine means so much to him.  Just try and leave out a lullaby or a prayer, he'll let you know.  I'm sad that he felt so bad, that I didn't comfort him, that I didn't engage and help him.  What if this is the way God treated me?  What if he would only show me mercy and kindness when I deserve it?  I was not a good example of God's love for B.

After I put Jilly to bed, I grabbed my Bible (honestly, a little begrudgingly....apparently I'm not a good daughter today either).  God led me to this verse:

Therefore, as God's chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. -Colossians 3:12


Ouch.  A gentle reminder can sometimes feel so heavy.  My children are my ministry and I let them down today.  I'm hoping B & J will accept my redo tomorrow.  A chocolate chip cookie laced apology is in order.

Smart plan with a Dum Dum

I am sooo excited to have found a way to get B to take his chewable supplements!  He loathes them.  We call them candy medicine thinking we can trick his brain.  He calls them yuck.  We've done everything to get him to take them.  We've begged, we've punished, we've paid him money.  Yes, we paid him.  Desperate times call for desperate measures, right?  So, my brilliant idea for the evening?  Fun Dip.  We pulverized the tablets.  Vitamin C, 2 calciums and a multi yielded to the mortar and pestle.  Then I gave him a Dum Dum (this is where the plan has its flaws) and showed him how he could pick up the powder with the lollipop.  He finished his vitamins with no sensory discomfort.  Hooray!  Despite the sugar and the risk of developing a Dum Dum allergy, I'm happy.  Maybe I need to order a few different organic lollies so I can rotate them.  Hmmm...
Just two nights ago B and I prayed that God make taking his supplements easier for him.  God is good :)

A Rainbow for B

Just the other day, I was making dinner and B was rattling on about colors.  I asked him what color was his favorite and he said, "green, and blue....and white....and..."  I told him that it is okay to like all the colors because when they are put together, they make a beautiful rainbow.  He got quiet for a moment, looked a little sad, then said, "Mom, I've never seen a rainbow."  I replied, "I'm sure God will show you one very soon."  I can't remember if he prayed for one or if that is where the conversation left off.

The very next day, the sky was sunny and clear.  We were running errands in the van.  Suddenly, it began to sprinkle.  It was one of those gentle mists on a hot day that are always welcome.  As the rain let up, we looked to the sky and there was a gorgeous rainbow.  B was in awe!  "Mommy!  That is a beautiful rainbow!"  Then, "That was so nice of God to send me a rainbow!"

Sometimes, it's hard to comprehend that God could love us, as individuals.  That he could love me, know what I need, know the desires of my heart.  This was just the reminder I needed.  God sent my son a rainbow.  A big, colorful, in the sky for everyone to see rainbow and He sent it to B, a little boy.  I am blown away by His goodness and His faithfulness.

That night during our evening prayers, I asked B if there was anything he would like to pray about.  Sometimes he does, sometimes not but he always asks for a prayer.  That evening he said, "Yes.  Dear God, thank you for sending me a rainbow."   Thank you, God, for sending me B.

Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart. Psalm 37:4

The Great Horned Owl

This week, I was reading Character Sketches to B.  A great book!  The first chapter was about the great horned owl.  When the weather is cold, the great horned owl will forgo eating to sit on her eggs....during the entire incubation period!  If she leaves the nest, her eggs could get to cold and the owlets could die.  Even when a blizzard rolls in, she will not leave her eggs to fly to safety.  What an amazing mother!

I felt very convicted after reading this.  I sometimes resent that my schedule is so full of cooking, cleaning, being needed.  (Wow!  That was hard to admit!)  It feels that every minute is taken up with work.  I become very self centered and therefore, self serving.  God blessed me with two beautiful children, a wonderful husband, and I complain about not getting my wants met.  Yet the great horned owl goes without eating! to meet the needs of her children.  When God molds me, I sometimes don't like what I see in my 'character sketch.'  I am, however, grateful He reveals my shortcomings.  These are things I really need to pray about and work on.  I need to:

*Bless my family by taking care of them and not do it 'out of duty.'
*Take more time to play with B&J.
*Enjoy every precious moment I have with my children.
*Give thanks that I have the opportunity to care for my family.
* Stop self serving and gain a servants heart.


 "You, my brothers, were called to be free. But do not use your freedom to indulge the sinful nature; rather, serve one another in love. " ~Galatians 5:13

Kicking Leaves

  B used to love to swing.  He would say, "higher, higher!  Want to kick leaves!"  We would push him so high his feet would touch the tree branches and he would belly laugh.  I remember getting bored with the swinging, but never bored with the giggle.  One day, while at the park, I put him in the swing.  I put his little legs through the leg holes and proceeded to give him a push.  He immediately started screaming, "stop! STOP!  Too high! Too high!"  It was only half as high as we would push him at home.  I didn't realize, then, that this was a sign of a sensory disorder.  I just thought he was grumpy and didn't want to swing.  These past two years, B would only swing on his tummy, very slowly and low.  That is, until this week.  B sat in his swing, clung to the chains, and said, "Push me mommy!"  It wasn't too high, but this is a start!  I'm really hoping he'll eventually kick the leaves and belly laugh.

B has a fear of the vacuum cleaner.  When he was younger he would scream in terror at the noise it made.  I learned to warn him in advance so he could to go to his room and shut the door.  Tonight, when I started up the vacuum, he sat in the kitchen.  He did not run to his room and I thought, "Hmm.  This is progress!"  Then I saw his little face peek around the corner and in an apprehensive voice, he said, "Mommy?  Can I help?"  He proceeded to take the handle as I helped him pass the vacuum across the floor.

These may seem like small things, but they are HUMONGOUS (as B would say) to me.  I am so proud of him for facing his fears and doing what is more than uncomfortable for him.  He is a little fighter.  I am so thankful God blessed me with this stubborn little boy. 

No Cheese....But a Little Whine

We took B to his DAN doctor yesterday.  I was really hoping he would tell us we could start adding some foods back into B's diet.  No such luck.  In fact, when I asked when we could begin this process, he said, "When he is college age."  I guess he's the expert, but part of me wants to get a second opinion.  I didn't intend for this blog to be a whine session, but today I feel discouraged....so I'll allow myself a little self indulgence.  This stinks.  I feel a little better.

B's hair analysis showed high levels of mercury and aluminum.  His tin levels were off the charts.  Where in the world could he be getting so much tin?  Even the Doc. was stumped. 

I came up with a new system for the rotation diet.  I really hope it works!  15 more years of the same food might drive us all crazy.  This system will allow for a variety of recipes.  

B's doctor said we could try palm shortening.  I thought it was off limits because of his coconut allergy.  If he can tolerate it, it will open the door to new wonderful things, like cookies!  Prayers for no reaction to this are greatly needed and appreciated!

The message at church today hit home.  The story was David and Goliath.  Pastor asked, "What do you do when faced with a challenge?  Do you focus on the challenge or do you focus on God?"  Perhaps today I have been focusing on the challenge.  Silly, when my God is so much bigger than this.  I've been staring at Goliath when God is the real giant.