When I started this blog, I promised myself I'd be real. Even when it's ugly. As much as I'd like to be always positive, always happy, uplifting...sometimes things can be downright stinky and I can get stuck. Tonight was one of those nights.
I'm tired. I'm worried. I'm angry. Really angry. Jonah not wanting to go to Nineveh angry. I'm exhausted from tracking everything B puts in his mouth, touches, and breathes. I let the worry run away with my imagination tonight as the 'what ifs' ran rampant. What if B's toxin level increases? What if the yeast keeps building? What if the pancakes he had for breakfast (and lunch) are harming him because of the maple syrup? What if that spoon he is using is made of tin? Will he regresss? His eye blinking has come back. What has he come in contact with? Did he develop a new allergy? What will his future be? I read an article about gluten intolerance/leaky gut/and cancer. I read about aluminum causing dimentia, Alzheimers/other neurological diseases. What if? What if? What if?..... I know this is sinful. I know shouldn't let my mind dwell on such things. But tonight, it was dwelling. Setting up camp in a giant pit of worry and anger. Anger at the drug companies for pushing this years flu vaccine so hard. A vaccine that contains the same toxins I'm trying so hard to keep out of my boy. The same toxins that are wreaking havoc on his system. Angry that I feel like I am shouting and nobody can hear me.
Tonight, before I blogged, I knew had to take this all to God lest I sin in my anger. On my knees before the Father, I prayed that God would heal B. That he will keep him safe. The thought God kept giving me was, "I (God) have been on this journey with B thus far. I have been keeping watch over him." Our earthly bodies are temporary and someday when we get to heaven, B will be allergy/toxin/yeast free :). Then I prayed that God would take this worry from me. I gave all of it to God. He let me know, "You are not alone. Abide in me. I will give you rest." I should place my faith in His love. Next, the anger. I prayed that I don't even know how to let go of the anger tonight. I'm having such a hard time with forgiveness. I asked God to help me work through the anger and to forgive. I asked forgiveness for my hard heart. I think this is going to take more time and prayer. If you are reading this, and have a few prayers to spare, please pray that God softens my heart and brings me to a place of forgiveness.
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