Monday, September 27, 2010

Abide in Me

When I started this blog, I promised myself I'd be real.  Even when it's ugly.  As much as I'd like to be always positive, always happy, uplifting...sometimes things can be downright stinky and I can get stuck.  Tonight was one of those nights. 

I'm tired.  I'm worried.  I'm angry.  Really angry.  Jonah not wanting to go to Nineveh angry.  I'm exhausted from tracking everything B puts in his mouth, touches, and breathes.  I let the worry run away with my imagination tonight as the 'what ifs' ran rampant.  What if B's toxin level increases?  What if the yeast keeps building?  What if the pancakes he had for breakfast (and lunch) are harming him because of the maple syrup?  What if that spoon he is using is made of tin?  Will he regresss?  His eye blinking has come back.  What has he come in contact with?  Did he develop a new allergy?  What will his future be?  I read an article about gluten intolerance/leaky gut/and cancer.  I read about aluminum causing dimentia, Alzheimers/other neurological diseases.  What if? What if?  What if?.....  I know this is sinful.  I know shouldn't let my mind dwell on such things.  But tonight, it was dwelling.  Setting up camp in a giant pit of worry and anger.  Anger at the drug companies for pushing this years flu vaccine so hard.  A vaccine that contains the same toxins I'm trying so hard to keep out of my boy.  The same toxins that are wreaking havoc on his system.  Angry that I feel like I am shouting and nobody can hear me. 

Tonight, before I blogged, I knew had to take this all to God lest I sin in my anger.  On my knees before the Father, I prayed that God would heal B.  That he will keep him safe.  The thought God kept giving me was, "I (God) have been on this journey with B thus far.  I have been keeping watch over him."  Our earthly bodies are temporary and someday when we get to heaven, B will be allergy/toxin/yeast free :).  Then I prayed that God would take this worry from me.  I gave all of it to God.  He let me know, "You are not alone.  Abide in me.  I will give you rest."  I should place my faith in His love.  Next, the anger.  I prayed that I don't even know how to let go of the anger tonight.  I'm having such a hard time with forgiveness.  I asked God to help me work through the anger and to forgive.  I asked forgiveness for my hard heart.  I think this is going to take more time and prayer.  If you are reading this, and have a few prayers to spare, please pray that God softens my heart and brings me to a place of forgiveness.


  1. I'm glad you are being real, in the moment. I think you are human just like the rest of us. And though you ahve a sweet way about you, you too can have "bad" days. Good for you for being true to yourself and your thoughts. It's good to vent!

  2. I am glad you are able to be real. Remember Jesus knows how you feel and what you are going through and He has carried you thus far and He will continue to do so. I know for us with our son and his situation it's easy to get frustrated not having the answers and even then get angry as we struggle day by day to keep things under control. I know I am not perfect and I'm going to make mistakes... like I did today when I got after him for using the hair clippers on his own head without a guard. I just have to keep running to the Father asking Him to forgive me and help me make it through many times the next moment because I can't even think about the rest of the day.
    I am so glad that when I come onto some posts like yours or some others that deal with special needs kids that I find I am not the only one struggling although our struggles may be different in every aspect but they surround issues with our children as we walk with the Lord.

  3. I love that you are real, with us and God. You are right, God is with B every step of the way. And, He loves B more than you could ever dream of loving him (and that's saying a lot knowing a mother's love). He knows the plans he has for B. But keep on those knees Mama, giving it to God. He wants you to lay B at His feet.