Screeeeeech!

I'd been cruisin' along this allergy free cooking highway.  I'd finally hit my groove.  Things were looking up.  I found foods B likes and will eat.  Then SCREEEEEECH!  There's definitely a bump in the road.  B decides he doesn't like the food he's eating.  Spaghetti? No thanks.  Tacos?  Eh.  Buffalo hotdog?  Nope.  Muffin? Not hungry.  Pancake?  What else can I have?

Because B's foods have to be rotated, there's not a lot of wiggle room when it comes to cooking.  If I put garlic, onions, potatoes, tomatoes, and oregano in one meal, I have nothing to work with for the next 3 days.  I thought I'd switch the rotation up a little and came up with a different recipe tonight.  B took a bite. "Mmm!  This is good."  Another bite, then another, then one more.  "Mom, what's this green thing (avocado) in here?"  I did what any self respecting mother would do and LIED THROUGH MY TEETH.  "It's uh.....a green bean, that I uh put in the blender so you wouldn't have to look at it."  Then I pasted my most convincing 'you really do like it' smile on my face.  He put the burrito down.  He took no more bites. Sigh.  Then I told him the truth, sort of.  "Actually, B, it was an avocado.  I thought you were talking about the green beans (there were no green beans), but you were talking about the avocado.  Let me get you a new burrito."  I made him a new one.  He took two bites.  He was done.

I think he's realizing that I control what he eats.  He's always known it, but his little four year old self wants to make choices.  He wants to have a banana on pear day.  He wants to drink almond milk two days in a row.  He wants to choose whats for dinner.  I don't know how to give him these choices when we have so little to work with.

This is where my dilemma lies.  If you've seen B, you know he can't afford to lose any weight.  Little man has already fallen off his height curve.  So, do I risk him developing more allergies to give him more options?  Do I dare go off the rotation?  Do I just rotate grains and protein and let him chose fruits and veggies?  Do I use garlic more than twice in four days?  More allergies = more yeast.  More yeast = more permeable gut.  More permeable gut = more allergies.  So, we're potentially looking at more allergies or a child who will not eat.  This is tough.  I wish there was a support group for this sort of thing.  I wish I had a mentor I could call up and say "Hey, have you tried going off the rotation?  What happened?" or "How have you made the rotation work for you?  What do you do when your child won't eat?"

I'm stalled at a fork in the road.  Do I go left or do I go right?    I need to go somewhere because just  idling in this spot is getting us nowhere.              

The Earth's Pull

There are two words that I think will always go together.  Every attempt to separate them is futile.  They are magnetic.  As strong as the Earth's pull on the moon and the moon's pull on the Earth.  The two words are 'Mommy' and 'Guilt.'

We have three pictures hanging int the hallway.  B is a few weeks old laying on a blue blanket.  He has that new born, wide eyed stare.  Perfect skin, perfect eyes, perfect little nose.  I can see the pictures from our bed.  They used to make me smile, thinking of sweet baby B.  Lately, the pictures have been haunting me.  His eyes stare at me with such vulnerability.  And I wonder, is it my fault?  Did I cause this?  There are so many things I should have done differently.  What was the tipping point?

Was it the reaction to his Hep B in the hospital?  We didn't know severe jaundice is a side effect.  How could I have ignored the other signs?  Was it the full body rash after the MMR?  Was it the Tylenol I gave him not knowing it depletes glutathione?  What about all the Tylenol I gave him for every little fever?  How could I not know something was wrong when he had so many fevers?  Was it because I started him on solids too soon?  We all started at 4 months when we were babies.  He was just so thin I thought it would help.  I should have heeded his doctor's warnings.  Did I not breastfeed him long enough?  I succumbed to pressures and stopped even though my heart was telling me something different.  Was it all the milk I let him drink, knowing it was too much?  When I think of B as a baby, I find myself pushing the memories away because with those memories comes a sense of  "You did this.  You could have prevented this.  He depended on you."  In my head I know that is wrong.  I know it's not logical.  But mommy and guilt and guilt and mommy......

I've been praying about this because I know that God doesn't want me to look back on those sweet baby days with regret.  Today, He gave me the greatest gift.  God knows our hearts even when we don't.  I truly believe that.  

We were eating lunch and Jilly scooted her plate over and climbed into my lap.  Then she said, "Rock me."  Instinctively, I began to sing a lullaby.  B looked at me and said, "Mommy, I want you to rock me."  Be still my heart.   My little boy who doesn't sit long enough for a good cuddle wants me to rock him.  Not wanting to take the moment away from Jilly, I promised him I'd rock him after I laid Jilly down for her nap.  

I laid Jilly down in her crib, closed the door, and headed for the rocking chair.  B climbed up into my lap and I began to sing the lullabies I would sing to him as a toddler.  I breathed in his sweet little boy smell and let the memories wash over me.  He laid his head on my on my chest, scrunched up his gangly arms and legs, and closed his eyes.  I began to think of the way his high toddler voice would join mine.  How his baby fine hair felt under my chin.  How he put his head on my shoulder at the exact moment in the lullaby every time.  How his fingers would curl around mine.  I felt that God was whispering to me, "He loves you.  Your love for him trumps everything.  It's okay.  It's okay.  It's okay."  Holding my boy was like a hug from God.  Reliving those moments without guilt, with only joy in my heart.  God can break ties as strong as the Earths pull on the moon, the moon's pull on the Earth.

B looked up at me, put his finger on my face and said, "Mommy, what's that water on your face?"  Thank you God, for that precious gift.

Answered Prayer

I'm sitting in the living room of my Mom's house.  This is the house where I spent all my preteen/teen years.  It's funny how I suddenly feel like that teenager immediately when I step through the door.  I remember dreaming about my future.  I'd marry the perfect guy who would always hold my hand.  check.  We'd have adorable children.  Check.  I'd be the kind of mom who bake cookies for my kids.  (Gluten free/dairy free/low sugar on rare occasions). Check.  Read them bedtime stories. Check.  Snuggle for hours on end. (A few minutes here and there between laundry, cleaning the kitchen, cooking, letting the dog out....) Check.  My house would look like the houses in magazines. Ummm....  My children would always behave.  Errrr...  I would make sure I always looked very nice when my husband got home from work....Uhhhh.  Dinner would be on the table at 5:30. ehhhh....  Life would be easy breezy....Hahaahahaaa!

Looking back, I realize I had planned a big snooze fest.  My reality is much, much better.  What I have is a husband who loves me unconditionally even on the days I look a mess.  He is my soul mate.  I am so blessed.  Two adorable kids who crack me up, make me smile, and melt my heart.  A house that is full of love...and clutter...but mostly love.  A life that is full of challenges, big challenges, that constantly remind me to lean on God.  I have to admit, lately I've not been so good about leaning on God.  I've been so wrapped up in the day to day, I'm gonna do it my way, that I lost sight of the fact that God is looking out for us.  God showed me, through B, that I need to lean on Him.

B has an extreme fear of swallowing pills.  He takes a lot of them and I have to get creative and hide them.   Just saying the words, "This would be so much easier if you would learn to swallow pills," would cause him to panic and cry.  Sometimes he would run off.  He was terrified.  Two nights ago, we started him on Olive Leaf Extract to combat the Strep antibodies.  This is BITTER medicine.  I sprinkled the contents of the pill on jelly and he choked it down, literally, in 4 swallows.  He was crying, it was that bad.  Then I said the dreaded words mentioned above.  He immediately put his hands over his mouth and cried.  "I can't swallow pills.  I don't want to swallow pills!"  He was still upset when I tucked him into bed.  I covered him up and said, can I pray for you about swallowing pills?  He gave me permission and I began, asking God to make B brave.  I don't like to reveal this, but I had doubt.  I didn't think God was going to answer that prayer...like it was too big a request.  Silly, considering God can move mountains!

This morning, I told B he could have a bike if he'd swallow a pill.  Yes, I used bribery, but this was a really big deal.  He was terrified, and asked, "But mommy what if it goes down my wrong pipe?"  B is very literal.  He really thought we all have a right pipe and a wrong pipe.  I answered, "We only have one pipe.  Can you feel it?" B, looking at me incredulously, "We do?  Only one pipe?  I don't have a wrong pipe?"  At this point, I'm trying really hard not to laugh.  B took the pill from my hand, walked over to his cup of water, and swallowed the pill!  From terror to fearless!  A smile of relief broke out on his face.  "That wasn't so bad!"  I kid you not, he took all his suppliments that way today!  I am thoroughly convinced God made B brave.  And B is convinced, too.  Later on in the day he said, "Mommy, if I get scared to swallow pills again, we can pray again.  That's just in case God loses my braveness."

I am ashamed that I doubted.  I am in awe that God used my little boy to minister to my heart.  He showed me that He is watching over us, loving us.  God is good!  So good!

Gripping the Wagon

Today I really wanted to throw in the towel and give my boy a cheeseburger....but I didn't.  That's all :)

Lessons

I'd like to interrupt the HS decision stories with a lesson I learned this week.  I've been worried about how I can teach my children to develop characteristics that I don't have. How can I teach them organization when I am so scattered?  How can I teach them patience when so often I run out of it?  How can I teach them physical education when I am very very VERY uncoordinated?  Seriously, if it has a ball, I can't play it.

If you know me in real life, you will know that I am terrible at following through.  I get excited about something and lose interest half way because I get excited about something else.  For this reason, if you look carefully through my drawers and cupboards (please don't!), you might find:  Jewelry making supplies even though I only made one pair of earrings, artist chalk for that one drawing, a pilates video that made for a challenging workout...twice, half a crocheted potholder, an exercise ball that has become a favorite toy for B&J.....the list goes on....and on....and on.....

This summer, I bought the kids a wading pool.  It had a slipper slide and a dinosaur that sprays water through it's mouth.  B & J had great fun with this!  (four times)  Do you see a pattern here?  In my lack of following through, I drained the pool and let it sit on the deck until this week.  From July to October.  It was green, mossy, slimy, dirty, full of leaves.  All of me wanted to throw it out and forget about it.  The temptation was STRONG.  I looked at B and said, "What if we throw this out and get a different one next year?"  B said, "Mommy, I love it."

That is what I needed to hear.  If I threw it out, what would that teach B about being good stewards of what God has given us?  Aren't I always asking him to pick his toys up so they won't get ruined?  Then it hit me.  This is how I teach my children what I may not possess.  They will observe me dealing with the consequences.  I will learn these traits right along with them.

I explained to B that because I left the pool out to get yucky, it was my responsibility to scrub it clean.  I can not even begin to describe the look of satisfaction it gave him to realize Mommy makes mistakes...and that I had a punishment of sorts.  I scrubbed and sprayed and scrubbed and sprayed.  B and Jilly laughed hysterically when I dropped the sprayer on the ground as it continued to spray me in the face.  I tackled that dinosaur all the while wondering why I hadn't noticed the mocking smirk on its face in July.  It felt good, really good! to get that pool cleaned up and put away.  I didn't have the guilt of ruining their pool and taking the easy way out.

I can't wait to see all the lessons God has planned for my children and me.  Maybe we'll learn organization and patience.  I'm hoping to relearn geography and history.  I didn't pay too much attention the first time around.  You never know, perhaps someday soon I'll be able to throw the football with a perfect spiral...or at least not close my eyes when catching one.

Homeschool Decision Part 2

This is going to sound like it has nothing to do with our decision, but I promise you, it does.  Randomness is my forte.  When I was pregnant with Jilly (2 years ago!) Erik was feeling a nudge to find a new church.  We visited a few but I was pregnant, emotional, and a little unstable.  During one church visit, I was hot, nauseous, and extremely tired.  I just knew that church was not a good fit for us.

 I loooooved the church we were already attending.  I consider the congregation my family.  The pastor had incredible messages every week.  I was involved in ministries.  How could we even think of changing churches?  I told Erik I couldn't do it.  We stayed.  Then a strange thing started to happen.  We slowly became less involved.  We seemed to never be able to go to small group.  We became a little distant with our loved ones there.  Our faith was suffering....really suffering.  We began hit or missing Sundays.

Finally, I realized what I think I knew deep down, all along.  God was calling Erik and I was holding us back.  Ouch.  I was trading comfort for God's plan for our lives.  I still love our old church and it's members.  I would recommend that church to anybody...but God wanted us somewhere else.

I had decided that whatever church Erik decided on was the one we would belong to.  I'm sure you can  guess which on he picked...the one I just knew wasn't a fit for our family.  What a blessing this decision has been!  Turns out pregnancy clouded my vision.  This church challenges me to delve deeper into God's word.  The pastor's messages are so full of truth and make me want to study more.  The people there inspire me with their own walks with God.

I was not letting Erik lead our family.  I was holding us back from living God's will.  For some reason, I tend to learn things the hard way.  I am so thankful our God is gracious and merciful.  That in spite of my disobedience, he continues to bless us.


²²Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord. ²³For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. ²⁴Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything. - Ephesians 5:22-24

Homeschool Decision Part I

A little over a year ago, Erik's cousin's were gracious enough to let us stay at their house and watched our children while we had a class.  Their family ties are undeniably strong...and so is their faith in God.  They and their children were so loving and patient with B.  They are a homeschooling family.  I remember sitting around the dinner table while they shared their homeschooling experience with us.  Something struck a chord with Erik and I was thinking, "Wow.  They seem to have it together, but this is NOT something I even remotely want to do."

On the drive home, Erik lay out all the reasons homeschooling would be beneficial.  I retorted with any argument I could come up with.  I dug my heels in and wouldn't budge.  How's that for a Godly wife?  Finally, I just said, "If this is something God wants us to do, He will have to change my heart."  (while thinking, yeah right, not gonna happen!)  I believe I even called up my brother, and my dad, and..... and gave every reason under the sun why I would never homeschool.

This was all before B's allergy diagnosis.  Yet, even after the diagnosis, I was not considering the option.  We moved to this side of town because I loved the school district.  I love the little elementary schools with the little desks and the alphabet on the walls.  I love the kindergarten circle time rug.  I love the teachers I worked with in the schools.  I love school.  There is a reason my degree is in education.

Erik was still feeling the pull to homeschool.  I prayed that God would change my heart.  I not so patiently waited as I looked online at private schools thinking we could come up with a good compromise.

Announcement

After much, much, much, much, much, (nonstop really) prayer, we have made a decision I didn't think I'd make in a million years.  In fact, had somebody told me this 9 years ago as I sat through hours of class at my University, I would have laughed, out loud, for weeks.  Are you ready?  We are going to homeschool B.  Are you now laughing?  Are you concerned?  Are you going to call me in the morning with a "What are you thinking????"  You are not alone.   These thoughts are going through my mind as well.  Not as doubts, but as "Can I really do this?  What is God thinking?"  I'm a little (a lot) scared.  But I am also excited.  God has a perfect plan and I can't wait to see his blessings when we are obedient to Him.  Please know that:  a.) This is God's decision and it's the path we will follow unless He leads us in another direction.  b.) B has lots of interaction and with other children so don't worry.  We have more opportunities than we will even be able to commit to!  c.) We feel we are best able to provide him with the environment and guidance he needs to learn at this point in his life and development.  d.) I'm very new to this kind of life so support and encouragement would be awesome!  e.) We'll start with Kindergarten and reevaluate our decision (God's decision) each year.

Okay, I realize I look like I am defending this move and maybe I am a little.  God knows (boy does he know!) I've wrestled with this for months.  Soon, I will share everything that took us to this place because it is a great story of God's leading.  But not tonight...or this morning (Morning! Yikes!)  Tired mommies are not patient mommies.

Abide in Me

When I started this blog, I promised myself I'd be real.  Even when it's ugly.  As much as I'd like to be always positive, always happy, uplifting...sometimes things can be downright stinky and I can get stuck.  Tonight was one of those nights. 

I'm tired.  I'm worried.  I'm angry.  Really angry.  Jonah not wanting to go to Nineveh angry.  I'm exhausted from tracking everything B puts in his mouth, touches, and breathes.  I let the worry run away with my imagination tonight as the 'what ifs' ran rampant.  What if B's toxin level increases?  What if the yeast keeps building?  What if the pancakes he had for breakfast (and lunch) are harming him because of the maple syrup?  What if that spoon he is using is made of tin?  Will he regresss?  His eye blinking has come back.  What has he come in contact with?  Did he develop a new allergy?  What will his future be?  I read an article about gluten intolerance/leaky gut/and cancer.  I read about aluminum causing dimentia, Alzheimers/other neurological diseases.  What if? What if?  What if?.....  I know this is sinful.  I know shouldn't let my mind dwell on such things.  But tonight, it was dwelling.  Setting up camp in a giant pit of worry and anger.  Anger at the drug companies for pushing this years flu vaccine so hard.  A vaccine that contains the same toxins I'm trying so hard to keep out of my boy.  The same toxins that are wreaking havoc on his system.  Angry that I feel like I am shouting and nobody can hear me. 

Tonight, before I blogged, I knew had to take this all to God lest I sin in my anger.  On my knees before the Father, I prayed that God would heal B.  That he will keep him safe.  The thought God kept giving me was, "I (God) have been on this journey with B thus far.  I have been keeping watch over him."  Our earthly bodies are temporary and someday when we get to heaven, B will be allergy/toxin/yeast free :).  Then I prayed that God would take this worry from me.  I gave all of it to God.  He let me know, "You are not alone.  Abide in me.  I will give you rest."  I should place my faith in His love.  Next, the anger.  I prayed that I don't even know how to let go of the anger tonight.  I'm having such a hard time with forgiveness.  I asked God to help me work through the anger and to forgive.  I asked forgiveness for my hard heart.  I think this is going to take more time and prayer.  If you are reading this, and have a few prayers to spare, please pray that God softens my heart and brings me to a place of forgiveness.

Ms. Lovies

Somebody once told me God gives us the child we need and vice versa.  I have found this very true with both of my children.  More and more I am convinced God gave B the little sister he needed and Jilly the big brother she needed.  Let me introduce my baby girl, Jilly, aka Smoochie, aka Miss Lovies, aka Princess Pootie Poots (not sure she'll be so fond of that one when she is 16.)

As an infant, Jilly was quiet, happy, content.  I know now she was scheming.  Thinking up exciting adventures.  Observing every nook and cranny she would explore when she finally became mobile.  She was dreaming big.  Fast forward to now.  My almost 2 year old baby girl is still happy.  She wakes up in the morning with a big smile on her face and says "Hi Mommy!  Gooda Sleep!"  She is constantly dancing and singing and laughing and talking and talking and talking and talking and......the girl loves to gab.  All. Day. Long.  And I love it.  I knew we were in for some fun when her first full sentence (at 15 months) was to B.  She kissed him and said, "I kiss you!"  Girlfriend has been chattering ever since.  She is a social butterfly.  This week at church, she wanted to listen to the worship music before I took her into the nursery.  When the choir was finished and took their seats, our pastor was getting ready to preach.  Jilly clapped her hands and shouted, "Yay!  Gooda sing Mommy!"

Jilly's personality is magnetic which is wonderful for B.  She makes him giggle and encourages him, "Yay!  Bubba!  Gooda Job!"  She always draws him into her play.  They have their own sibling language and creative games.  I am thankful their bond is so strong.

Because Jilly Baby is so adventurous, she has no fear.  Today, she completely bypassed the baby slides and headed for the tallest tornado slide.  She will jump off any surface at any height whether we are ready to catch her or not.  B is always very cautious.  In fact, he just mastered the tornado slide this month.  Jilly challenges B to try new things and B keeps his eye on her, reminding her of her limits.  "Sissy!  No!  That is too high!  Go down the stairs!"   He is very observant and protective.

B does not like to get dirty.  When B was little, I couldn't understand why some kids had 'play clothes.'  Why not have my boy look very nice all the time?  Jilly cleared up any confusion I had about that.  She explores everything to the fullest.  Paint: rub in the hair, stick in the ear, taste, and then paint with all ten fingers.  Sand: smell, taste, rub in the hair, put some in her shirt for later.  She encourages him to mess it up a little and he helps her dust off.

B is shy.  Very much like his mommy.  He likes to hide behind my legs and I know the feeling.  Sometimes I wish I could still hide behind my mom's legs.  Jilly will has the incredible knack of making everyone smile.  She's never met a stranger (which means she never leaves my sight in public.)  She's fun and boisterous.  B is super creative and imaginative. Together, they have a really great time.  She has really helped B come out of his shell.

When I was pregnant with Jilly, before I knew I was pregnant, B put his hand on my tummy and said, "Baby Sister."  I did not know he even knew what a 'sister' was.  He was only about the age Jilly is now.  That still gives me goosebumps when I think about it.  That their bond could be that strong.  God chose them perfectly for each other.  They have a beautiful friendship and for that I am very thankful.

Lucky Day

We had a much better day today.  B woke up bright and early to help me bake amaranth/quinoa chocolate muffins.  I told him today was a no computer day for me and a not too much television day for him.  He was completely on board.  He said, "Woo Hoo!  Mom, if you use the computer, you will get a fine."  When I asked how I should pay that fine he said, "in my piggy bank."  Smart boy.

We went to Jazzercise and it was fun Friday, which means the kids could dance after class.  They love this!  On the way home, B asked me what a lucky day means.  I told him it is when everything makes you happy.  We ate lunch under the big tree in our front yard.  During our prayer B said, "I'm thankful for God."  Jilly laid on her back, intrigued by all the branches.  B spent his lunch time making us laugh.  Then they played in the bed of the truck.  For some reason this is their favorite activity.  They played until it sprinkled.  I promised B we'd stay out in the sprinkles until they turned to rain.

When Jilly took her nap, B and I  played Buzz, Woody, and Chutes and Ladders people.  Basically the Buzz shows off to the game pieces and they praise everything he does.  We went to the mailbox and we got some junk mail that had happy face stickers.  Of course B thought these were sent to him because it is his 'lucky day.'  Jilly and B had these stickers plastered all over their faces in no time.

B was so sweet to his sister today.  Giving her kisses and helping her.  Jilly was full of love, too.  I think there is something to this no computer/little t.v. thing.  When my attention is elsewhere I tend to miss the blessings God has placed right under my nose.  (I'd better put a quarter in B's piggy bank.  I just wanted to share our 'lucky' day.)

Blah

 It's been one of those nights.  I felt myself pulling away from B and Jilly.  I just wanted to be by myself.  I've been spacey and preoccupied.  I tried to do a movie night, but as riveting as Carebears are, I gave in and brought down the laptop.  Probably not quite the quality time they were looking for.  We did play outside for a bit after that so they got some mommy time.

B is reacting to something.  I'm really hoping its not the popcorn I made for our movies.  A corn allergy would not be a good thing!  I'm hoping it's the bite of rice I let him try in hopes that rice was a false positive.  That was 3 days ago.  Anyway, he threw a tantrum for over an hour because he could not find a certain toy...that he has not played with for at least four months.  While he was looking, he dumped every toy box in his room, the basement, and Jilly's room.  A good mommy would have been helping him look through each box.  This mommy did not.  Instead, I added insult to injury by making him clean up all the messes while he was still upset about losing the toy.  While cleaning, he was mean to his baby sis, so I scolded him (in a not so quiet voice) and sent him to time out.  When his time out was over, he continued to clean.  When he got to the mess in his room, I told him I'd help him with his shoes if he picked up the toys.  I picked up the shoes, then left the room.  A few minutes later he is screaming that I forgot one shoe and I needed to help him pick up the rest of his room.  I ignored the screams and withdrew into my shell that has been my home today.  Then all was quiet in his room.  I checked on him ten minutes later and my heart broke.  His room was spotless. His lights were off and his night light was on.  He had tucked himself in and fell asleep.  His bedtime routine means so much to him.  Just try and leave out a lullaby or a prayer, he'll let you know.  I'm sad that he felt so bad, that I didn't comfort him, that I didn't engage and help him.  What if this is the way God treated me?  What if he would only show me mercy and kindness when I deserve it?  I was not a good example of God's love for B.

After I put Jilly to bed, I grabbed my Bible (honestly, a little begrudgingly....apparently I'm not a good daughter today either).  God led me to this verse:

Therefore, as God's chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. -Colossians 3:12


Ouch.  A gentle reminder can sometimes feel so heavy.  My children are my ministry and I let them down today.  I'm hoping B & J will accept my redo tomorrow.  A chocolate chip cookie laced apology is in order.

Pssst....Family

If you want B to love you for the rest of your life.  Purchase the Super Allergy Girl Cookbook by Lisa Lundy.  Turn to page 310 and bake the most wonderful gluten free chocolate cookies ever!  EVER!

B had his first cookie in 6 months.  To say he was excited is an understatement.  He helped me with every spoonful of palm shortening, every scoop of gluten free flour, every chocolate chip (okay, so he ate more than he added).  When I added a tablespoon instead of a teaspoon of baking soda he said, "Mommy, sometimes it's really okay to make mistakes."  We put the batter in the refrigerator to chill for an hour.  Every eight minutes he came into the kitchen and said, "Are my cookies ready?"  He watched the oven as they baked.  When the timer went off and I did not hear it  because I was in the bedroom, I walked out to little man with two oven mitts on his hands and the oven door wide open.  (Don't worry.  We had a very detailed discussion about the difference between mommy jobs and kid jobs.)  I told him the cookies had to cool.  He told me he thought they were cool enough.  Some lessons are learned the hard way.  I gave him a warm cookie.  My child with sensory issues chewed that hot cookie quickly trying to avoid its heat.  "It's good, Mommy!  It's not hot."  Little concentrated frown on his face.    I think he ate 5 over the course of the evening.  I think I ate three.  shhhh....

I'm sure this multiplied the yeast in his tummy exponentially.  We finished with a  probiotic chaser.  I'm hoping they battled it out and the probiotic won.

I told B these cookies were so good because he is a real chef and when real chefs help mommy, the food is always good.  B is not lacking self-esteem.  He nodded his head, pleased as punch, and said, "Yeah, I'm a real chef."

Confessions

1. B had taco shells out of order and off his rotation.

2. He had dum dum suckers two days in a row...oops make that three.

3. He did not take all his supplements last night...and skipped vitamins C, A, and calcium tonight.  He is not    feeling well and had a hard enough time with the probiotic.

4. I did not hold my cyber tongue and lashed out at somebody...then quickly erased my temper before I hit send.

5. I harbored resentment toward this person...then was very humbled by her apology.

6. I let B watch A LOT of television today.  

7. B and J had cereal for lunch.  It was organic with almond milk...that makes it okay...right?

8. Jilly is sick too.  She slept most of the day and I spent the afternoon on the computer and not cleaning out the bathroom cupboard like I had planned.  

9. It has been approximately one and a half weeks since I worked on the alphabet with B...and we are only ready for letter E.

10. I haven't wiped down my kitchen counters yet.

11. I did not exercise.  

What I did do today:

1.I spent an incredible early morning time studying and journaling my prayers to God. 

2. I stripped the sheets in B's room and ran 2 loads of laundry. 

3. I listened to the love of my life practice a speech he will be giving tomorrow night.  He is an amazing advocate for B and others like him.  I am so proud. 

4.  I spent the evening holding my sick babies while they fitfully slept.  

I've been beating myself over 1 through 11.  But, you know what?  At the end of this day, my four accomplishments filled my heart....well, maybe not #2, but 1,3, and 4 I wouldn't have traded for anything.