Midnight Conversations

"Mommy," whispers B, "I can't sleep in my room.  Can I snuggle you?"

It's a regular occurrence at our house.  It's almost midnight and B is wide awake.  He crawls into bed between his Daddy and I.

"Mom, how do they get pictures onto driver's licenses?"

"Well, first, you have to take a drivers test...."

"No, I mean how do the pictures get on the licenses?"

"Mommy, did you know crocodiles can't walk backward?.....I don't get tired like other people....Yawwwn."

"Sure, Bry.  You don't look tired at all."

"Mommy, can you scratch my back?  How do you get to be an astronaut?  Did you know that when a plant loses its color, it's running out of chloro....chlora....."

"Chlorophyll?"

"Yeah, Chlorophyll."

"Mommy, I'm hungry.  Can I have a snack?"

"You may have some almonds or a banana.  Then, you really need to sleep."

"Okay."

"Mommy, I love you to the moon, to all the planets, around the Milky way, to all the stars and back."

"Bry, I love you even more than that."

More than he will ever know....or at least until his own children are kept awake by the wonders of this word.     B's body sometimes has a hard time settling down, especially in a flair.  For the most part we've ditched the melatonin in exchange for midnight heart to hearts.  Why not?  School time is adjustable and these moments will not last forever.  When God led us to homeschool, He knew.  I fought it tooth and nail, hating the thought of letting go those school day dreams I had for him (or were they for me?)  I wasn't making room in my mind for the blessings that were to come.  My heart is full of gratitude.  Tonight I will be thanking my Heavenly Father for His loving guidance and faithfulness.

Hills and Valleys

Ups and downs.  Hills and valleys.  That is the PANDAS journey.

I sometimes find myself caught up in envy.  Yep.  I know it's wrong.  It's a sin.  Is it a sin to want some normalcy for my child?  Is it even envy?  A little.  I covet the little things families take for granted.

When B has a rough day, these little things are magnified.  Today, B is having one of those days.  A new tic. A very noticeable tic.  A constant grunt/hum.  By constant I mean every second until he falls asleep.  I can't imagine how exhausting that must be....and I'm so glad he is educated in an environment where he doesn't feel he has to suppress it.  I think that would be even more exhausting.  When B is affected, I am affected.  That bond between mother and child is a strong one.  Today, I feel like I'm walking around with my nerves on the outside of my body.  Today, PANDAS and food allergies get to me.  Today, I feel like it's taking so much from his childhood.  

Part of me feels bad for even blogging this because I realize it looks like a 'pity us' post.  It's not.  I don't know what it is...It's a yucky feeling that I need to type out because it's unhealthy to hold it in.  It's our reality.  I know there's somebody out there reading this and thinking, "I want a piece of their reality," because what they are facing is so much harder.  And that makes me feel guilty for even complaining.

I want to complain about the friends I've lost when I needed a friend the most....but this has shown me the beauty of the friends who have stayed by my side.  Friends who pray for us, help us, and truly listen to us without casting judgement.  Friends who are willing to, with love, point me in a better direction.

I want to complain about how much I would love to take B to a pizza buffet and let him enjoy every bite...but this journey has introduced us to wonderful, healing nutrition.  It has taught us about the link between autoimmune diseases and diet.  We may be changing our family tree.  Preventing more autoimmune illness by changing the way we eat.

I want to complain about how hard this is, swimming upstream...but this has taught me what it is to truly fight for something. And what it is like to depend on God for strength when I have none.

I want to complain about how unfair this is to B.....that's where I get stuck for moment.  It is unfair.  I would take it away in a heartbeat if I could.  But I can't deny this journey has formed some amazing traits in my little boy. He has tremendous self control, a strong faith, and empathy...a real concern for others.  He takes delight in the small things.  He is appreciative, kind, and respectful.

Today may be a valley.  As I began this post, the hill looked steep, but as I type, I realize I've been climbing the hill.  That's what this post was....an ascension.  God is good, even in the valley.