Sunday, January 6, 2013

Hills and Valleys

Ups and downs.  Hills and valleys.  That is the PANDAS journey.

I sometimes find myself caught up in envy.  Yep.  I know it's wrong.  It's a sin.  Is it a sin to want some normalcy for my child?  Is it even envy?  A little.  I covet the little things families take for granted.

When B has a rough day, these little things are magnified.  Today, B is having one of those days.  A new tic. A very noticeable tic.  A constant grunt/hum.  By constant I mean every second until he falls asleep.  I can't imagine how exhausting that must be....and I'm so glad he is educated in an environment where he doesn't feel he has to suppress it.  I think that would be even more exhausting.  When B is affected, I am affected.  That bond between mother and child is a strong one.  Today, I feel like I'm walking around with my nerves on the outside of my body.  Today, PANDAS and food allergies get to me.  Today, I feel like it's taking so much from his childhood.  

Part of me feels bad for even blogging this because I realize it looks like a 'pity us' post.  It's not.  I don't know what it is...It's a yucky feeling that I need to type out because it's unhealthy to hold it in.  It's our reality.  I know there's somebody out there reading this and thinking, "I want a piece of their reality," because what they are facing is so much harder.  And that makes me feel guilty for even complaining.

I want to complain about the friends I've lost when I needed a friend the most....but this has shown me the beauty of the friends who have stayed by my side.  Friends who pray for us, help us, and truly listen to us without casting judgement.  Friends who are willing to, with love, point me in a better direction.

I want to complain about how much I would love to take B to a pizza buffet and let him enjoy every bite...but this journey has introduced us to wonderful, healing nutrition.  It has taught us about the link between autoimmune diseases and diet.  We may be changing our family tree.  Preventing more autoimmune illness by changing the way we eat.

I want to complain about how hard this is, swimming upstream...but this has taught me what it is to truly fight for something. And what it is like to depend on God for strength when I have none.

I want to complain about how unfair this is to B.....that's where I get stuck for moment.  It is unfair.  I would take it away in a heartbeat if I could.  But I can't deny this journey has formed some amazing traits in my little boy. He has tremendous self control, a strong faith, and empathy...a real concern for others.  He takes delight in the small things.  He is appreciative, kind, and respectful.

Today may be a valley.  As I began this post, the hill looked steep, but as I type, I realize I've been climbing the hill.  That's what this post ascension.  God is good, even in the valley.


  1. SO glad you posted about it! It not only gave you a chance to get it off your chest, but it also gives others an opportunity to lift you and B up in prayer....doing that right now.
    You are an amzing Momma!

  2. I am so glad you posted this. I hate that you guys are going through this, but I cherish the rant because I have had it as well. I, too, am glad our boys are educated in an accepting and relaxed environment where they can let their "isms" come out when needed. My older son needed to do one of his biggest and most disruptive stems today, for hours. In this environment he was allowed to and no one looked twice at him, it's just part of who he is right now. We accept it and don't bat an eye. So he's comfortable doing what his body needs.

    I wish it was gone. I see friends post pictures of their kids having a quiet evening at home playing board games and I think, "man, I wish that would happen for us." I don't know if it's envy really or just a longing for our kids bodies and minds to not be sick and to be able to enjoy those special, and even mundane, moments.

  3. Tiffiny, I truely believe that envy is a selfish, evil feeling. That is NOT what you are feeling at all! Rant away, you have the right to feel this way and its healthy for you! B is amazing and so are you. Call if you need to rant more, Im all ears!