Dear Self of 2010

 I know you are scared.  I know everything you'd hoped for your little boy is up in the air.  You feel alone, helpless, and overwhelmed.  Please know that it will get better.

1.  You are not going to learn this over night.  Have patience with yourself.  You have so much to learn.  Get good sleep.  Take care of yourself.

2. You will feel a thousand miles from normal.  Everyday situations will seem bizarre and what used to be easy conversation with friends turns into distance.  Your mind and heart are with your child.  It's okay.  Because someday, you will ease back into 'normal.'  Not completely.   Your world is changed.

3. Rely on God.  Cry out to Him.  Don't hold your worries and fears in.  You may not realize this now, but God loves B even more than you do.  Even more....I know it doesn't seem possible that anyone could love him more, but He does.  God is in control.  You can't see it now, but you will.

4.  You will have an awesome group of loving friends who 'get it.' I know you are alone in this now, but you won't always be.  Soon enough, you will have a gripe session over how it's unfair that all gluten free items contain rice.  You will rejoice with friends over the improvements in your kids.  You will pray fervently for the health of your friends' children.  You will swap stories and recipes.

5. PANDAS.  It's ugly.   I know your mind can't wrap around this diagnosis yet.  You are naive in thinking that it's all okay.  And that's alright.  Emotionally, you're not ready.  When you are, you will kick yourself for not taking care of that one illness that made B's heart race and his fever soar.  Antibiotics are scary for B but PANDAS is worse.  It's rheumatic fever of the brain.  Find a PANDAS group online ASAP.

6. Love on your family.  Cherish every moment with the in laws.  Bring a camcorder.  Let them know how much they mean to you and how much you love them.

7. Thank your mom.  She will be there for you in big, big ways.  Realize that she loves you as much as you love B and Jilly.

8.  It's easy to get wrapped up in your own pain and confusion.  Overwhelmed.  But realize Erik is just as scared.  He is in this with you.  Not every family has that.  You are blessed.

9.  B will grow in ways that will bring you joy and peace.  While his physical body is ill, his heart contains a love for Christ that makes his physical ailments seem small.  God is working in his heart.  You just watch.

10. Your sweet little Jilly will bring humor in times of tension.  Sunshine when your sad.  She will keep you laughing every day.  God sent her to all of you.  She will be B's best friend and their giggles together will become your favorite sound.

11.  Guess what?  You will homeschool.  No, really!  I'm not kidding.  And you will like it.  And B will blossom.

12.  Reach out to your family.  Right now, you are holding it all in.  And I know it's because you are afraid you'll crack.  And you will....a lot...in public.  And will be embarrassing.  But you will be okay.  Reach out.

13.  There will always be a little nagging worry in the back of your mind.  Right now it is a screaming voice in your head, but it will dim...a bit.  Stop and pause on God's blessings.  Write them down.  Read the Psalms.  Reflect on Gods love and protection.  Write them down.

 God loves you.  He is in control.  He is holding you.  He is holding B.  Take a breath and ponder this.  B is His little boy first.  Rejoice in that.  God is greater than your worry.  In His arms, you will find rest.