PANDAS, Vulnerability, and God's greater plan

Pediatric Autoimmune Neuropsychiatric Disorder Associated with Streptococcus.  The scientific jargon is a little confusing, so I'll explain it in real person terms.  It's a disorder that mimics Tourettes and Autism.  Some say it's on the Autism Spectrum, some say it's not.  In Bryson, it mimics autism and Tourettes when he is having a food reaction, is overstimulated, over tired, or gets an illness.  Other than that, lately he's been pretty neurotypical.  A little bouncing off the walls and into furniture, but I can't complain.

Have you ever made yourself vulnerable?  A little too vulnerable?  I'm talking holy-cow-I-feel-so-uncomfortable-but-I-can't-help-it vulnerable.  Put yourself out there a little too much?  Yep.  I did that.

I was having a bad, well horrible, few months.  Guilt, blame, anger, sadness, guilt, blame, anger, sadness......like a broken record.  At our MOPS meeting, the speaker was talking about guilt.  The first time he said 'guilt' I left the room in tears.  I honestly don't know what he said during the rest of the speech.  I do know he passed out these sheets that asked us list what was expected of us as mothers and my thought was "to protect your child."  And I felt I didn't do that.  That I'd put my innocent baby in harms way.  That his health is all messed up because I didn't do enough research before making decisions.  By the end of the MOPS meeting, I was a blubbering mess and I blubbered that mess onto our mentor mom.  I'm sure she felt completely caught off guard.  What was this crazy talk?  I did it again at small group....twice.  So, now I feel exposed....vulnerable.  As a shy person, I prefer to keep unfavorable feelings tucked away like a napkin in my pocket.  But my feelings erupted and I let people see my mess of a tissue.

If I could do this year all over again, I'd give myself permission to cry, to vent, to lash out, to complain about the unfairness of it all.  I would tell myself to do this in the presence of God.  Because when all these feelings are stuffed inside, there is little room for joy, for love, for peace.  It's impossible to be an effective anything when joy, love, and peace are lacking.  God is the great healer and I need(ed) to let Him in to heal.

I'm feeling some of that peace and it's a good place to be.  I know it's just a taste of what God can do with this broken heart.  He has blessed us even through this trial.  Awesome.

My little brother (okay, so I need to stop calling him that because he towers over me) said something to me that has had a profound effect.  I was telling him how B's story has been able to help others and that I'm grateful for that, but why does B have to suffer for it?  My brother said maybe the goodness is not lost on B.  God is teaching B incredible self control, preparing him to be the man God intends him to be.  Preparing him to fulfill God's will.   Amen!