Sunday, March 6, 2011

Fight or Flight

I loaded the kids up in our minivan.  Jilly was almost one and a half.  B was three.  I'd heard the Dillon's across town had a new 'special diets' section added the store.  This was to be my first shopping trip after receiving B's food allergy diagnosis.  As we pulled into the parking lot, I was filled with hope.  A plan.  I was taking action.  Finally being proactive to heal my boy.  We got out of the van and I strapped B into the red shopping cart car and Jilly in the front of the cart.  I wheeled the kids into the store to the organic produce section.  I looked at the fruits and veggies.  I tossed some bananas into the cart.  In my head, I'd had the idea I was going to purchase a lot of produce.  When I saw the prices, I deflated a little.  So I picked up some grapes, a few sweet potatoes, some broccoli and decided that would have to be it for produce.  Then I started for the special diets section.

 My heart picked up pace.  I was a little excited to see the special foods just for B.  I wanted to find pasta, waffles, pancakes, chicken strips, muffin know, all the foods he always ate but without the allergens. I went to the frozen section first.  Imagine my surprise when not one waffle, pancake, or ice cream would work for B.  No chicken nuggets, no soups, no cake mixes, no muffins.  A clerk walked up to me and asked me if she could help me find anything.  I explained B's allergies and she helped me look for a cereal.  She went through every box and every time, I shook my head.  I thanked her for help while trying to keep it together.  As she walked away, I lost it.  I stood in the middle of that store and cried.  I felt helpless, defeated.  The wind had left my sails.  As I dried my eyes and continued my search, a girl walked up to me, a fellow organic mommy, and said something like, "Good for you for feeding your kids well.  I can tell they are really healthy."  The irony hit me.  Here I was trying to find carbon copies of the junk I was used to feeding my boy (in a healthier version).  I did not know how to feed him and he was super unhealthy.  So unhealthy the very food he ate was attacking his skinny little body.

Fast forward to now.  Yesterday we went to Whole Foods.  I LOVE that store and wish the closest one wasn't over an hours drive.  We loaded the kids into the red car.  I filled the cart with fruit, vegetables, almond milk, hemp milk, different oils, flours, meats.  I know what to feed B.  He is so much healthier.  The shopping has become much easier.  So, I thought I was handling things.  Smoother sailing.

Today in church, I realized I'm not handling things.  I tried to concentrate on the sermon but my mind was wandering. Many of you know, and some of you do not know, that I whole heartedly believe B was injured by his vaccinations.  I have only skimmed the subject in this blog because I don't want that to be the focus.  I don't even know when I'll be able to share, I only know it's not now.  Anyway, when somebody is faced with a threat it is a natural response to go into fight or flight mode.  It hit me, right there in church, that that is what I have been going through this year.

I have been unplugging.  Not facing my day to day responsibilities with strong effort.  Not giving my children or Erik my full attention.  This is so hard to admit.  I find ways to distract myself.  An audio book, the radio, the internet, games.  Seriously, you know you've played too many games of 'Angry Birds' when your child is overheard praying, "Dear God, please give mommy more birds so she can defeat those piggies.  Amen."  Worse than that, I have not been giving God my full self.  I've half heartedly finished my devotions while my mind drifts.  My prayers have not been fervent and strong.  This is me in flight mode.

I have also been in 'fight' mode.  If you are my facebook friend you know this and probably question my sanity.  I want to fight the drug companies that did this to my son.  I want to expose the greed, the corruption, the lies.  Unfortunately, fight mode is not pretty, either.  It can be all consuming.  It has made me bitter.  It has taken every thought captive.  It has robbed me of joy.

Obviously, I need to get a grip and refocus.  I have a Heavenly Father, waiting with his arms outstretched for me to rest in Him.  He is good.  He is love.  And I need to rest this weary mind.  With this I am asking for prayer from those of you who share a love of this amazing God.  Please pray that I can get off this vicious cycle of fight or flight.  Pray that God would heal my heart, that my focus be on Him.  That God grant me peace that surpasses all understanding.  That I would be aware of His answers before going into 'fight' mode.  That I would have clarity of mind.  That I would plug back into my family.  Thank you.

 Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. 7 And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.  -Philippians 4:6-7


  1. Very good post, I go through the same emotions regarding the vaccines, the doctors, etc. In a way I think it helps to accept it as a natural "mother bear" response. Wouldn't a mother bear "attack" if one of her cubs were injured? You make a good point and it is a reminder to me as well to stay focused on what is important. No, we cannot change the past. But try to remember your feelings are so natural! It is instinctive! Don't beat yourself up for your God-given instincts to protect your children! It is ok to feel angry, but make sure it does not consume you. That is when it becomes pathogenic and then they have got you again! Believe me, I tell myself this as much as I tell you! This is no easy road...

  2. There are some things in mothering that are easy and come natural.... there are many other things that are hard to understand, hard to come by, and hard to make peace with. Just rest in the fact that you do right when you know right. He's made a ton of progress---and who does he have to thank for that? You! And I'm sure the support of Erik and other family/friends. But still, I see how devoted you are! And you certainly aren't a slacker :-) Hugs to you my friend!

  3. I understand this all too well. (((hugs))), dear friend. I'll be praying for you today.

  4. I know this one isn't new, but I just got back online and missed it. Oh how I know these feelings. I watch people in stores picking up anything they want from the shelves while I shop a few areas and have to read every single label, even on things I normally buy because they might have changed.

    Oh, and the fight! I not only think vaccines cause my older son's problems, long story there I will share one day, but one set of vaccines (the set I think is the culprit) was given to my younger son withot my knowledge by someone that knew we weren't going to give them to him. Talk about a desire to fight. I am still working on forgiving this person. I will, it's just hard right now. Maybe it's the hours of screaming each day, the horrible and multiple nasty poops, the inability to sleep, and so on that I deal with that make it so I haven't dealt with that issue fully.

    I am really starting to come into a deeper walk with my Savior. I need it and realize that starving myself from Him was the worst thing to do.

  5. Wow...that forgiveness would be hard to work through. I'm angry for you! I admire you and everything you do for your sons. I'll keep you and your family in my prayers.

    About the grocery store...a few months ago, I accidentally gave a woman the "stink-eye" for picking up items willy-nilly and happily putting them in her cart. She caught me. It's funny now, but I felt really horrible at the time that I didn't even realize I was looking at her like that. That was an ugly jealousy moment. Ha!