Letting Go

I wish somebody would have told me while I was pregnant with B.  You know, another mom, "Hey you know I love you and you're going to love this baby more than anything in this world.  Pray before you make any decision...and really listen to God.  Your answer may be different than everything the world is telling you.  God gives you special intuition when it comes to your child.  He is awesome like that.  Don't let anyone pressure you or scare you away from what God is telling you.  Don't second guess yourself because you are getting advice from 500 places.  Close the baby raising books, close your ears, close your eyes, and pray."

I wish I had listened to that voice, that instinct, God whispering to my soul.  I can't turn back time.  I can't undo what has been done.  For a while I thought I could make up for it by fighting.  Warn other moms.  They need to see what is happening to our children.  God gave me a huge heart for children.  When I hear of another vaccine injured child, I hurt all over again.  When I see a newborn baby, I no longer rejoice.  I pray fervently.  I clang the drum over and over and over.  So much that nobody hears the drum anymore.  Nobody wants to know, to believe, to listen.

I went to my Father in prayer this afternoon.  I cried out to him that I hate this.  I hate it.  I hate being on this side of things.  I wish I could turn back time.  I wanted guidance.  I wanted peace.  I wanted B to be healed.  I wanted answers.....see how selfish I can be?  Why, God, am I not getting any direction here?  My answer: "Daughter, you are talking at me, open my Word so I can talk to you."  Point taken.

I flipped open my Bible and ironically (okay, not ironically, God knows what he is doing) I opened to a bible study inside my Bible and the first sentence I saw was this, "Sometimes, you just have to let things go."  Hmm.. The verse above that said "Hatred stirs up dissension, but love covers over all wrongs.  Proverbs 10:12"  I have been full of hatred.  I confess that.  The momma bear in me loathes what the world is doing to our kids.  I've been dwelling on it so much, that I feel myself pulling away from God.  And my prayers have felt hollow.  I randomly opened my Bible to another page and this verse jumped out at me right away, "The end of all things is near.  Therefore be clear minded and self-controlled so that you can pray.  I Peter 4:7."   Ok, God, I'm hearing you.  How have I not noticed that verse before?  I had it underlined even, but today it struck a chord.

So, I'm letting go.  God is bigger than me.  He can handle this...and will in His own time.  I truly believe that.  I can't speed up the process.  I will still advocate for parental rights, for medical rights.  I will still help any mother (or father) who comes to me with questions.  Please parents, ask the hard questions.  Has the current vaccine schedule ever been safety tested?  If you are told yes, ask to see the test.  It doesn't exist.  Research each vaccine and it's side effects and benefits.  Research each disease and it's risks and the benefits of lifelong immunity.  Look at your family history.  Look at the safety studies and how they are conducted.  Was there a true control group?

These are things, as parents, we should all do.  I'm not passing along that info via facebook anymore.  At least not now.  Maybe not ever.  God is more powerful than facebook.  I will spend that time on my knees praying for our kids.

Moms (and Dads), I love you. You love your children more than anything in this world.  Pray before you make any decisions...and really listen to God.  Your answers may be different than everything the world is telling you.  God gives you special intuition when it comes to your children.  He is awesome like that.  Don't let anyone pressure you or scare you away from what God is telling you.  Don't second guess yourself because you are getting advice from 500 places.  Close the baby raising books, close your ears, close your eyes, and pray.