I Will Protect Him

Before my break, I was feeling down, defeated, and really just plain scared.  I was feeding myself too much information.  I really needed to take a step back and focus on what was important.  I took a break from vaccines, autism, politics, the news, etc...  I can't even begin to tell you how much lighter I feel.  Today, my little brother gave me this quote from AW Tozer: "Nothing should so occupy the mind of the Christian than discovering God each day."  I'm going to tape that to my mirror as a reminder.  Admittedly, I did not seek Christ diligently every day.  God is still working on me.  I took me weeks to realize that a relationship isn't me trying to sneak in a quick quiet time that consists of me reading the word and talking then shutting my Bible.  A relationship with God requires me to listen, to pause, to ask questions.  Isn't that how relationships work?  This does not come easy to me.  I'm still growing.

The first day of my break, Erik was wonderful and watched the kids so I could have a few hours to myself.  I went to a coffee shop, ordered a hot chocolate, and settled down with my Beth Moore Bible study on King David.  (I highly recommend it!)  I was reading, studying, and in the back of my mind thinking of B.  Thinking of the vaccine issue.  Worrying about what ifs.  What if they (vaccines) are mandated.  What if choice is removed.  What would happen to B if this were to happen.  I continued my study when suddenly I felt God speak to me...not heard Him, but felt him. ( It was very similar to this moment: Adjusting )  "I will protect him."  At that moment, I am a sobbing mess in the coffee shop.  Relief, joy, a years worth of worry just melting away.  Now, I don't think that means protecting B from everything life throws his way...but just the issues I was worried about.  I will hold onto those words forever.  I wrote them down as soon as I felt them.

I'm baaaaack

I have so much to write I don't know how I'm going to fit it into one post...maybe I won't.

First, I have to say the time away from facebook/forums/blogging was much needed and cleared my head.  I realize I was beginning to sound a little cuckoo.  I was tempted to hide some posts, but then this blog wouldn't be sincere, so the ugly stays.  I do have a confession.  I went on the internet to research a new nutrition plan for B, to show B what an eardrum looks like, and to look up a few recipes....oh, and I googled toxic encephalopathy.  It was written on B's medical chart and I wanted to know what it was.  Silly me, google didn't take into account that biomedical treatment can fix  things like toxic encephalopathy.  I'm not going to worry.

I feel refreshed.  Renewed in spirit.  So thankful for my heavenly Father and the sweet family he has blessed me with.  Amen and Amen! :)

Now, since my brain works in boxes, I'll start the update in a new post.



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Little seed planted...

This afternoon, B and I were working on his verse for Cubbies.  Matthew 1:21 "......He will save his people from their sins."  B knows what sin is.  We've had this discussion before.  I explained sin again.  Then we had this conversation:
Me: Do you know who He is.
B: Jesus.
Me: How did he save his people?
B: He died on the cross.
Me: Right, so when He died on the cross, he took all our sin upon himself so we would be free of sin.  He forgives our sins.  That is what is meant by Jesus saving us.
B: Back up.  What did you say?
Me: Jesus saves us.
B: No, what did you say before that?
Me: Jesus forgives our sins.
B: No, I mean, what did He do on the cross?
Me: He took our sins upon himself.
B: Yeah!  Why did he do that?
Me:  He did that so we would be free of sin, so our sins would be forgiven.
B: That was so nice of Jesus!
Me: It was, unbelievably nice.
B: Mommy, did Jesus take my sins away?
Me: If you want him to, he will forgive your sins.
B: How do I do that?
Me: You pray to ask Jesus to come into your heart and.......

B had already begun praying excitedly.  Little hands clasped and eyes squeezed shut.
"Dear God, please come into my heart!  Amen!"  Big grin on his face.

I was so proud and happy.  While I know his little boy mind doesn't completely grasp what God has done for us, it makes my heart soar to see him so excited and to appreciate the gift of God's eternal grace.  I continued to explain to him how we should confess our sins to God and ask his forgiveness.  That asking Jesus into his heart means he should do what God wants him to do.  This will be an ongoing conversation.  Reason number 582 that I love Jesus.  We are always learning and growing in Him.

Speaking of growing in Christ.  I'm giving up the internet for Lent.  I've been turning to it for advice, to let off steam, for entertainment, to ease mommy loneliness.  All the reasons, I should turn to God and His word.  So that is exactly what I'll do.  When I feel the urge to go online, I'll plug into prayer, bible study, journaling, and scripture learning.  I'm excited for this growth!

The Brave Dr. Blaylock Explains it All

This is just a quick post.  I have a hard time relaying what happened to B and what his condition is.  What makes perfect sense in the DAN doctor's office doesn't seem to make sense when I try to describe it.  Tonight, Erik stumbled upon this and it fits B (well except for the schizophrenia) like a glove.  Thank you Dr. Blaylock.  You will forever be my favorite neurologist!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xYuYramYdAs&feature=player_embedded

For my family who are still trying to figure out the quirks of the internet, click on the link above ;)

Fight or Flight

I loaded the kids up in our minivan.  Jilly was almost one and a half.  B was three.  I'd heard the Dillon's across town had a new 'special diets' section added the store.  This was to be my first shopping trip after receiving B's food allergy diagnosis.  As we pulled into the parking lot, I was filled with hope.  A plan.  I was taking action.  Finally being proactive to heal my boy.  We got out of the van and I strapped B into the red shopping cart car and Jilly in the front of the cart.  I wheeled the kids into the store to the organic produce section.  I looked at the fruits and veggies.  I tossed some bananas into the cart.  In my head, I'd had the idea I was going to purchase a lot of produce.  When I saw the prices, I deflated a little.  So I picked up some grapes, a few sweet potatoes, some broccoli and decided that would have to be it for produce.  Then I started for the special diets section.

 My heart picked up pace.  I was a little excited to see the special foods just for B.  I wanted to find pasta, waffles, pancakes, chicken strips, muffin mixes....you know, all the foods he always ate but without the allergens. I went to the frozen section first.  Imagine my surprise when not one waffle, pancake, or ice cream would work for B.  No chicken nuggets, no soups, no cake mixes, no muffins.  A clerk walked up to me and asked me if she could help me find anything.  I explained B's allergies and she helped me look for a cereal.  She went through every box and every time, I shook my head.  I thanked her for help while trying to keep it together.  As she walked away, I lost it.  I stood in the middle of that store and cried.  I felt helpless, defeated.  The wind had left my sails.  As I dried my eyes and continued my search, a girl walked up to me, a fellow organic mommy, and said something like, "Good for you for feeding your kids well.  I can tell they are really healthy."  The irony hit me.  Here I was trying to find carbon copies of the junk I was used to feeding my boy (in a healthier version).  I did not know how to feed him and he was super unhealthy.  So unhealthy the very food he ate was attacking his skinny little body.

Fast forward to now.  Yesterday we went to Whole Foods.  I LOVE that store and wish the closest one wasn't over an hours drive.  We loaded the kids into the red car.  I filled the cart with fruit, vegetables, almond milk, hemp milk, different oils, flours, meats.  I know what to feed B.  He is so much healthier.  The shopping has become much easier.  So, I thought I was handling things.  Smoother sailing.

Today in church, I realized I'm not handling things.  I tried to concentrate on the sermon but my mind was wandering. Many of you know, and some of you do not know, that I whole heartedly believe B was injured by his vaccinations.  I have only skimmed the subject in this blog because I don't want that to be the focus.  I don't even know when I'll be able to share, I only know it's not now.  Anyway, when somebody is faced with a threat it is a natural response to go into fight or flight mode.  It hit me, right there in church, that that is what I have been going through this year.

I have been unplugging.  Not facing my day to day responsibilities with strong effort.  Not giving my children or Erik my full attention.  This is so hard to admit.  I find ways to distract myself.  An audio book, the radio, the internet, games.  Seriously, you know you've played too many games of 'Angry Birds' when your child is overheard praying, "Dear God, please give mommy more birds so she can defeat those piggies.  Amen."  Worse than that, I have not been giving God my full self.  I've half heartedly finished my devotions while my mind drifts.  My prayers have not been fervent and strong.  This is me in flight mode.

I have also been in 'fight' mode.  If you are my facebook friend you know this and probably question my sanity.  I want to fight the drug companies that did this to my son.  I want to expose the greed, the corruption, the lies.  Unfortunately, fight mode is not pretty, either.  It can be all consuming.  It has made me bitter.  It has taken every thought captive.  It has robbed me of joy.

Obviously, I need to get a grip and refocus.  I have a Heavenly Father, waiting with his arms outstretched for me to rest in Him.  He is good.  He is love.  And I need to rest this weary mind.  With this I am asking for prayer from those of you who share a love of this amazing God.  Please pray that I can get off this vicious cycle of fight or flight.  Pray that God would heal my heart, that my focus be on Him.  That God grant me peace that surpasses all understanding.  That I would be aware of His answers before going into 'fight' mode.  That I would have clarity of mind.  That I would plug back into my family.  Thank you.

 Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. ⁷ And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.  -Philippians 4:6-7

Not Good Science

A few months ago, I went to a traditional allergist because I was having a little difficulty breathing.  I thought, why take the hour long trip to B's allergist?  I'll just make the appointment in town.  I should have went to B's allergist.

I was waiting in the exam room when the Dr. walked in.  We'll call her Dr. V.  The first question she asked me was, "Would you like to get a flu shot?"  "No thank you," I replied.  She actually stuck her bottom lip out, and in a childish voice said, "Why? Are you scared?"  At that moment I knew this appointment was a mistake.  I explained to her that B reacted badly to his vaccines and we are cautious.

Then she asked me about allergies in the family.  I explained B's environmental and food allergies.  Some of his food allergies are IgE's or immediate response and some are IgG's or delayed response.  She looked me in the eye and said, "There's no good science in that (IgG's)."  I told her about B's tics and she said, "Every child tics."  I said, "Really, to the point of crying and making himself bleed?"  She replied, "Well, maybe not that bad."  I told her how removing the IgG's stopped the tics, sensory issues, bowel problems.  She continued to dismiss me.  Then finally said, "Well, if it works...." in a tone that expressed 'okay, whatever, you're obviously a little off your rocker.'

 I then may have invited her over to our house to watch B eat a piece of bread....or maybe that request took place in my head.

What Dr. V meant by 'not good science' was that it was not 'drug company funded' science.  If we can heal our children through diet, that means no profit for the drug companies.  And there is a push to discredit anything that would steer anyone in the direction of supplements and diet.

A drug company funded study tells me my child didn't stop ticking.  The drug companies tell me my child's constipation didn't go away.   The drug companies tell me its bad science that B can now tolerate loud noises.  The drug companies tell me I'm grasping at straws, seeing things that aren't really there.  The drug companies tell me my child's tantrums did not cease and should I put him on a well studied psychotropic drug instead.

Nine months ago, this was B.  He was just barely tolerating small pushes on his swingset: http://fortheloveofb.blogspot.com/2010/06/kicking-leaves.html
Last month, HE RODE A ROLLER COASTER!"
"Not good science" did that.  "Not good science" brought my son back.

After finding out I did not have asthma, Dr. V sat me down and told me it was all in my head.  That I couldn't breath because I was thinking about breathing too much.

Later, that week I went to the chiropractor.  My rib was out.  The doc put it back in place and I took a long, deep breath.  Only, well, I guess that couldn't have happened because chiropractic medicine is also not 'good science'.

Jesus Lord, Amen

B has faith so big for a little guy.  He is constantly going to God in prayer.  He loses a toy, he prays about it.  If we go on a trip, he prays about it.  If Jilly is sad, he prays about it.  Sometimes he likes to scribble write letters to God.  Then he asks for an envelope and puts them in the mailbox.  While he writes, he verbalizes what he is "writing."  I learn so much about him by listening in.  When he was almost 3, we were in the middle of eating lunch when he got down from the table and headed outside. I asked him where he was going and he said, "I'm going to talk with God."  I thought maybe he was trying to get out of lunch, but as I listened at the door, he had his face lifted to the sky and was chattering away.  Sometimes, I get so busy, I don't pause to just chat with God.

 He says, “Be still, and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, 
I will be exalted in the earth.” Psalm 46:10



We had this exchange earlier this week and it made me pause and reflect on my own heart:

B: Mommy?  Do some kids not have families?
Me: Yes.  It's very sad.
B: I'm glad I have a nice family.  Mommy?
Me: Yes?
B: Are some Mommies and Daddies not nice to their children?
Me: Yes.  And that is very sad, too.
B: Why don't those Mommies and Daddies love their kids?
Me: I don't know.  I don't understand it because I love you and Sissy so much.  I feel really bad for kids whose Mommies and Daddies are not nice.  Maybe you could pray for them.
B: Yeah.  And Mommy?  I think we should pray for the Mommies and Daddies, too.

Wow.  What an incredible reminder that we need to pray not just for the innocent, but for the wicked.  Hadn't even crossed my mind, yet my sweet four year old completely gets it.


B: Mommy?  Can we pray together?
Me: Sure baby.

I held B's hand and was about to start the prayer when he began:

"Dear God, please help all the children whose Mommies and Daddies are not nice.  Please help the Daddies and Mommies so they love their kids.  And please help the kids who don't have any families.  Jesus Lord, Amen"