Letting Go

I wish somebody would have told me while I was pregnant with B.  You know, another mom, "Hey you know I love you and you're going to love this baby more than anything in this world.  Pray before you make any decision...and really listen to God.  Your answer may be different than everything the world is telling you.  God gives you special intuition when it comes to your child.  He is awesome like that.  Don't let anyone pressure you or scare you away from what God is telling you.  Don't second guess yourself because you are getting advice from 500 places.  Close the baby raising books, close your ears, close your eyes, and pray."

I wish I had listened to that voice, that instinct, God whispering to my soul.  I can't turn back time.  I can't undo what has been done.  For a while I thought I could make up for it by fighting.  Warn other moms.  They need to see what is happening to our children.  God gave me a huge heart for children.  When I hear of another vaccine injured child, I hurt all over again.  When I see a newborn baby, I no longer rejoice.  I pray fervently.  I clang the drum over and over and over.  So much that nobody hears the drum anymore.  Nobody wants to know, to believe, to listen.

I went to my Father in prayer this afternoon.  I cried out to him that I hate this.  I hate it.  I hate being on this side of things.  I wish I could turn back time.  I wanted guidance.  I wanted peace.  I wanted B to be healed.  I wanted answers.....see how selfish I can be?  Why, God, am I not getting any direction here?  My answer: "Daughter, you are talking at me, open my Word so I can talk to you."  Point taken.

I flipped open my Bible and ironically (okay, not ironically, God knows what he is doing) I opened to a bible study inside my Bible and the first sentence I saw was this, "Sometimes, you just have to let things go."  Hmm.. The verse above that said "Hatred stirs up dissension, but love covers over all wrongs.  Proverbs 10:12"  I have been full of hatred.  I confess that.  The momma bear in me loathes what the world is doing to our kids.  I've been dwelling on it so much, that I feel myself pulling away from God.  And my prayers have felt hollow.  I randomly opened my Bible to another page and this verse jumped out at me right away, "The end of all things is near.  Therefore be clear minded and self-controlled so that you can pray.  I Peter 4:7."   Ok, God, I'm hearing you.  How have I not noticed that verse before?  I had it underlined even, but today it struck a chord.

So, I'm letting go.  God is bigger than me.  He can handle this...and will in His own time.  I truly believe that.  I can't speed up the process.  I will still advocate for parental rights, for medical rights.  I will still help any mother (or father) who comes to me with questions.  Please parents, ask the hard questions.  Has the current vaccine schedule ever been safety tested?  If you are told yes, ask to see the test.  It doesn't exist.  Research each vaccine and it's side effects and benefits.  Research each disease and it's risks and the benefits of lifelong immunity.  Look at your family history.  Look at the safety studies and how they are conducted.  Was there a true control group?

These are things, as parents, we should all do.  I'm not passing along that info via facebook anymore.  At least not now.  Maybe not ever.  God is more powerful than facebook.  I will spend that time on my knees praying for our kids.

Moms (and Dads), I love you. You love your children more than anything in this world.  Pray before you make any decisions...and really listen to God.  Your answers may be different than everything the world is telling you.  God gives you special intuition when it comes to your children.  He is awesome like that.  Don't let anyone pressure you or scare you away from what God is telling you.  Don't second guess yourself because you are getting advice from 500 places.  Close the baby raising books, close your ears, close your eyes, and pray.

Randoms.

It's been a busy one today and I'm having a bit of brain fog.  I have a million random thoughts.  Any attempt at organizing them will fail.  So, I'm just going to haphazardly share them.

I've been daydreaming of sending B to school.  Being room mother at Christmas parties.  Having mornings to myself to get things done.  Not worrying if B is learning enough, if I'm depriving him of something, if not going to PE and Music will somehow ruin him for life.  Then he does something amazing like read a short book, tell me Sputnik was the first space probe, solve addition problems,  count to 39 and my daydream bubble pops.  I keep thinking about last year when he couldn't count to 10 and couldn't say his ABC's.  He told me he wants to always have school at home.  He's doing very well.  Jilly is too!  She loves everything about school, except for the listening to the teacher part.  We're still working on that. :)

We took a trip to Disney at the end of October with my sister and her boys.  It was so much fun!  B adores his cousins.  I love that they treat him like a big kid, yet will carry him when his legs get tired.  On the plane ride home, B's tics and stims were out of control.  He even had a vocal tic.  It was a rough ride.  These tics and OCD behavior hung around long after the trip.  I was beginning to wonder if we needed to find a PANDAS specialist.  We took him to Dr. B and he told us to increase his probiotics to 3 and slowly increase the Olive Leaf Extract.  Probiotics kill yeast and OLE goes after strep.  We did this and in about a week or two, he was back to baseline.  Dr. B is brilliant!

Dr. B is so brilliant, that I am now a patient.  I am seeing him for an all day long, feels like I need a nap an hour after I wake up fatigue.  I'll get the test results back in a week, then I'm sure B and I will be food buddies.  B is very excited about this.  I'm not so much.  I've known for awhile that there are some foods I react to.  Mostly my favorite foods. *sigh*  Maybe this is the push i need to be even more creative with my cooking.

Jilly turned 3 last month.  Three!  I can't believe it.  The age of 3 has brought with it the love of coloring and a nurturing of baby dolls.  She is a little momma.  She loves to shush us all the time, "Shhh!  My baby's sleeping!"  B said to her, "I love you even when you do naughty things."  I do to.  She is adventurous and fun. Sometimes that adventure and fun leads to boredom in the timeout chair.  But when she looks sadly at us with those big blue eyes and ask for a hug, we all melt.  She really is a sweetheart.

I've been learning more about PANDAS.  Basically, if B is exposed to strep, he forms antibodies.  These antibodies cross the blood/brain barrier and attack his basal ganglia.  It's similar to what happens to the heart in Rheumatic fever.  It's so important that he not get strep.  Other illnesses can trigger a flair as well (which might make it PANS?  Any PANDAS moms help me out here.)  Right now he's fighting a cold and his OCD is heightened.  Over the past 6 months, B's speech has been affected.  He now pauses extra long on words, drawing out some syllables.  I don't know why or if this is permanent.  I'm going to talk to his doc about it when we have our appointment.

That about wraps up the randoms.  Hopefully a good night's sleep will clear this brain fog and my next post won't be so all over the place.

Dear Self of 2010

 I know you are scared.  I know everything you'd hoped for your little boy is up in the air.  You feel alone, helpless, and overwhelmed.  Please know that it will get better.

1.  You are not going to learn this over night.  Have patience with yourself.  You have so much to learn.  Get good sleep.  Take care of yourself.

2. You will feel a thousand miles from normal.  Everyday situations will seem bizarre and what used to be easy conversation with friends turns into distance.  Your mind and heart are with your child.  It's okay.  Because someday, you will ease back into 'normal.'  Not completely.   Your world is changed.

3. Rely on God.  Cry out to Him.  Don't hold your worries and fears in.  You may not realize this now, but God loves B even more than you do.  Even more....I know it doesn't seem possible that anyone could love him more, but He does.  God is in control.  You can't see it now, but you will.

4.  You will have an awesome group of loving friends who 'get it.' I know you are alone in this now, but you won't always be.  Soon enough, you will have a gripe session over how it's unfair that all gluten free items contain rice.  You will rejoice with friends over the improvements in your kids.  You will pray fervently for the health of your friends' children.  You will swap stories and recipes.

5. PANDAS.  It's ugly.   I know your mind can't wrap around this diagnosis yet.  You are naive in thinking that it's all okay.  And that's alright.  Emotionally, you're not ready.  When you are, you will kick yourself for not taking care of that one illness that made B's heart race and his fever soar.  Antibiotics are scary for B but PANDAS is worse.  It's rheumatic fever of the brain.  Find a PANDAS group online ASAP.

6. Love on your family.  Cherish every moment with the in laws.  Bring a camcorder.  Let them know how much they mean to you and how much you love them.

7. Thank your mom.  She will be there for you in big, big ways.  Realize that she loves you as much as you love B and Jilly.

8.  It's easy to get wrapped up in your own pain and confusion.  Overwhelmed.  But realize Erik is just as scared.  He is in this with you.  Not every family has that.  You are blessed.

9.  B will grow in ways that will bring you joy and peace.  While his physical body is ill, his heart contains a love for Christ that makes his physical ailments seem small.  God is working in his heart.  You just watch.

10. Your sweet little Jilly will bring humor in times of tension.  Sunshine when your sad.  She will keep you laughing every day.  God sent her to all of you.  She will be B's best friend and their giggles together will become your favorite sound.

11.  Guess what?  You will homeschool.  No, really!  I'm not kidding.  And you will like it.  And B will blossom.

12.  Reach out to your family.  Right now, you are holding it all in.  And I know it's because you are afraid you'll crack.  And you will....a lot...in public.  And will be embarrassing.  But you will be okay.  Reach out.

13.  There will always be a little nagging worry in the back of your mind.  Right now it is a screaming voice in your head, but it will dim...a bit.  Stop and pause on God's blessings.  Write them down.  Read the Psalms.  Reflect on Gods love and protection.  Write them down.

 God loves you.  He is in control.  He is holding you.  He is holding B.  Take a breath and ponder this.  B is His little boy first.  Rejoice in that.  God is greater than your worry.  In His arms, you will find rest.

Faith of a Child

I haven't blogged for a while.  We've been so busy and just emotionally tired, that the bare minimum has been getting done lately.  I shouldn't say 'bare minimum' because school is now in session!  We are in week four of Kindergarten at home.  B is really flourishing.  He counted to 25 and can read the words, CAT, SAT, COT, and AT.  He can match all upper and lower case letters and is working on writing his numerals.  Also, he is learning many Old Testament stories in the Bible.  Jilly is learning to count and has really picked up the days of the week in Spanish.  Singing everything is key to Jilly's learning.

We are emotionally spent because our hearts are heavy.  Erik's dad is battling cancer.  It's a tough, tough fight.  We all love him deeply.  The kids are crazy about Papa.  He is such a huge part of our lives.  He and Nana have done so much for us.  They are always there to offer encouragement, hugs, laughs, support.  B likes to go down to Papa's gym and 'work out.'  I think back fondly to a 2 year old B with one pound weights watching his Grandpa's every move and imitating with a "One, two.  One, two."  Papa holds the kids in his lap and reads them book after book after book without once seeming bored to tears.  Jilly absolutely adores him.

Erik has been tremendous through this fight.  His honor for his parents leaves me praying that our children will be as honorable as their Daddy.  He is this way because that is how his parents raised him.  I am eternally grateful to them.

This week, we told B that Papa is getting ready to go to heaven.  It was a hard conversation.  B teared up and said, "But I'm going to miss him."  He's had a lot of questions this week.  Tonight, he asked, "Mommy, is there a pill Papa can take to get rid of the sickness in his body?"  I answered, "The doctors have tried everything they could.  We can pray for Papa."  I then explained that in heaven Papa will get a new body that doesn't hurt anymore.  He immediately folded his hands and in a sad little voice said, "Dear God, Please heal Papa.  But if you want him in heaven, then go ahead."  What a selfless prayer for a little guy.  He is torn up about losing his Papa, yet prayed for God's will to be done.  All this time I've been struggling with how to hand everything over to God and my five year old little blessing showed me how with his hands folded.....crying out to God.

  Prayer is very much appreciated for Brice (B's Papa) and Karen (B's Nana) and our whole family.  Thank you friends.

So Long Corn....Don't let the door hit you on your way out.

We finally did it.  We kicked corn to the curb.  We've been meaning to do it for a while.  B didn't test allergic to corn a year and a half ago, but I began to suspect a corn allergy months (and months and months) ago.  But I dragged my feet.  Corn day was our easy day.  Breakfast was Gorrila Munch cereal (the only cereal he could have).  His favorite food is tacos.  When we traveled, he could have Ian's fish sticks, or turkey dogs, or chicken nuggets.  An easy snack was corn chips.  Ah....the only day that didn't require 'from scratch' preparation.  Do you see why I hesitated?  Very selfish on my part, but Oh those days were NICE!

The down side of corn day:  B would melt down, became aggressive, restless, and his plumbing didn't work quite right if you catch my drift.

We are 2 weeks corn free.  With the help of a newly purchased tortilla maker, we can have soft tacos!  I discovered he likes teff grain cooked as a hot cereal.  I can make chicken nuggets and freeze them for future use.  So far, B hasn't missed corn.

And.....his allergy shiners are disappearing!  His meltdowns have diminished!  His tics are decreasing.  Plumbing is normal.  I'm seeing less stimming.  He's not crashing into the couches.  He's doing great again!  I apologize for the 'blah' of my last post.  The answer was right under my nose.  Corn.....good riddance!  :)  Thank you for the prayers.

Wounded

I was browsing my blog list tonight and came across this one from Carly at Thoughts of Him: Scars.  It is beautiful and insightful and got me thinking about my own scars.  Which led me to think about the scar I want to have.  Right now, all this going on with B is a wound.  A big, festering, bleeding on the carpet, somebody grab the steri-strips wound.  Sorry for the visual.

We had an awesome appointment with our biomed doctor this week.  B's labs look so much better!  His heavy metals have decreased quite a bit.  His yeast is down by a lot!  Everything looked much better.  I may go into detail in another post.  I was on cloud nine!  He had been looking healthier, thinking clearer, just overall really great.  I love biomed!  I love our doc!  Can you believe he spent 2 hours going over labs, explaining each item line by line with us?  A refreshing change from the get you in, get you out before you can even remember what you wanted to ask appointments that seem to be the norm everywhere else.  Dr. B explained what supplements help with each function.  He showed us where we needed to adjust according to B's labs.  Dr. B is nothing if not thorough.

All this happiness in one appointment was dampened a little.  That same week, I'd heard a news story about the FDA trying to ban supplements.   Or trying to regulate them, which means they will be pulled off the market.  My heart sank.  This is really happening.  These life saving, all natural, made from the plants and minerals God gave us, supplements may not be here to help my son anymore.  I could watch B regress.  I could happen in as little as a few months.  I hurt in the deepest places of my heart thinking about this.  And it hurts that many in our country don't know or don't care.  I just want to show everyone my sweet boy's little face and say, "How can we let this happen?"  Please sign the petition to stop this from happening.

This week has been rough.  I think it's a PANDAS flare, or allergies, or something.  I don't know.  B's tics are really bad.  Worse than they've been all year.  I was watching him play his Leapster and he had to pause it to roll his head, jump up and down and yell.  He's been sensory seeking nonstop.  Crashing into our couches, crashing into us, wanting to hang from our arms, spinning, standing on his head, flapping his hands.  I don't know what's going on with him.  Maybe he's coming down with something.  It's ragweed season, too, so maybe we need to increase his allergy shots.  It's times like this that I feel like I'm holding my breath.  I don't know what's going to happen.  B could come out of it or he could regress further.  That scares me more than anything.  Regression.  Sometimes I feel like this whole world is against our children.  Maybe that's not a sane response to what is going on.  But remember, I'm bleeding.

I have a hard time turning this over to God.  I can't seem to let go of this worry.  Nonstop worry.  It's always on my mind 24/7.  It's too much.  All of this is too much sometimes.  But I feel guilty for saying it's too much when I know I'd do so much more if it would help my child.  I know this wound will never be a scar if I don't take it to God.  I need to hand it over to Him for complete healing.

Mr. Social?!? Hooray!

B has always been shy and overwhelmed in large crowds of people.  Family reunions were always rough.  The stimulation and all the people usually resulted in a massive meltdown.  Every Sunday, at church, he sticks close to my legs as we walk through the foyer greeting our church family.  He has to be prompted to say 'hello' while Jilly runs ahead of us offering hugs and smiles.

As I've mentioned before, B is changing.  Good things are happening.  He's growing up and getting healthier.  Today, he walked in the church doors with his good friend.  He gave a high five to the greeter.  He, Jilly, and I then found our seats.  We sang praises to God.  B danced a little.  Jilly belted out a melody.  Then came the greet song.  B walked ahead of me finding people to shake hands with.  He was grabbing hands right and left whether the people being greeted were ready or not. :)  Big smile on his face.  He hugged his friend's older sisters.  He LOVES his friend's older sisters.  Jilly and I made our way back to our pew, but B was still in the crowd shaking hands and smiling his charming smile.  He continued greeting till the song was over.  My shy little guy was suddenly Mr. Social.

Later in the service, I had to get up to change Jilly's diaper.  I asked B if he would like to come.  He chose to stay by himself in the pew.  By himself!  Who is this child?  The children were called to Children's Church while I was still helping Jilly.  B got up by himself and followed his friends to the classroom.

My heart is overspilling with joy at the little boy B is growing into.  He's becoming confident and responsible. He is joyful, helpful, loving, good-natured.

This week, his former Sunday School teacher mentioned to me how well he is doing.  She told me that when we first attended (a year and a half ago) B would go into meltdown mode.  He would scream for me and run out of the classroom toward the stairs.  He didn't know how to interact with the other kids.  He would play next to them, but didn't quite know how to play with them.  Now, she said, he is doing really great and he's just like any other 5 year old boy.  That was music to my ears.  I see the changes, but it is so nice when somebody else points them out to me.  God has been so faithful.  His healing is nothing short of miraculous.

If you are reading this and you share a love for this awesome God, would mind offering up a prayer?  For continued healing for B.  For permanent allowance of biomedical treatment in this country.  For life changing supplements not to be outlawed.  For other children who have similar health issues as B.  For the parents of these children.  For the mainstream medical community to recognize and embrace the treatments that have helped so many.  For the cause of these afflictions to be brought to light.  Thank you!  God hears our prayers.  I know He has heard my many prayers.  B is living proof.