Dear Self of 2010

 I know you are scared.  I know everything you'd hoped for your little boy is up in the air.  You feel alone, helpless, and overwhelmed.  Please know that it will get better.

1.  You are not going to learn this over night.  Have patience with yourself.  You have so much to learn.  Get good sleep.  Take care of yourself.

2. You will feel a thousand miles from normal.  Everyday situations will seem bizarre and what used to be easy conversation with friends turns into distance.  Your mind and heart are with your child.  It's okay.  Because someday, you will ease back into 'normal.'  Not completely.   Your world is changed.

3. Rely on God.  Cry out to Him.  Don't hold your worries and fears in.  You may not realize this now, but God loves B even more than you do.  Even more....I know it doesn't seem possible that anyone could love him more, but He does.  God is in control.  You can't see it now, but you will.

4.  You will have an awesome group of loving friends who 'get it.' I know you are alone in this now, but you won't always be.  Soon enough, you will have a gripe session over how it's unfair that all gluten free items contain rice.  You will rejoice with friends over the improvements in your kids.  You will pray fervently for the health of your friends' children.  You will swap stories and recipes.

5. PANDAS.  It's ugly.   I know your mind can't wrap around this diagnosis yet.  You are naive in thinking that it's all okay.  And that's alright.  Emotionally, you're not ready.  When you are, you will kick yourself for not taking care of that one illness that made B's heart race and his fever soar.  Antibiotics are scary for B but PANDAS is worse.  It's rheumatic fever of the brain.  Find a PANDAS group online ASAP.

6. Love on your family.  Cherish every moment with the in laws.  Bring a camcorder.  Let them know how much they mean to you and how much you love them.

7. Thank your mom.  She will be there for you in big, big ways.  Realize that she loves you as much as you love B and Jilly.

8.  It's easy to get wrapped up in your own pain and confusion.  Overwhelmed.  But realize Erik is just as scared.  He is in this with you.  Not every family has that.  You are blessed.

9.  B will grow in ways that will bring you joy and peace.  While his physical body is ill, his heart contains a love for Christ that makes his physical ailments seem small.  God is working in his heart.  You just watch.

10. Your sweet little Jilly will bring humor in times of tension.  Sunshine when your sad.  She will keep you laughing every day.  God sent her to all of you.  She will be B's best friend and their giggles together will become your favorite sound.

11.  Guess what?  You will homeschool.  No, really!  I'm not kidding.  And you will like it.  And B will blossom.

12.  Reach out to your family.  Right now, you are holding it all in.  And I know it's because you are afraid you'll crack.  And you will....a lot...in public.  And will be embarrassing.  But you will be okay.  Reach out.

13.  There will always be a little nagging worry in the back of your mind.  Right now it is a screaming voice in your head, but it will dim...a bit.  Stop and pause on God's blessings.  Write them down.  Read the Psalms.  Reflect on Gods love and protection.  Write them down.

 God loves you.  He is in control.  He is holding you.  He is holding B.  Take a breath and ponder this.  B is His little boy first.  Rejoice in that.  God is greater than your worry.  In His arms, you will find rest.

Faith of a Child

I haven't blogged for a while.  We've been so busy and just emotionally tired, that the bare minimum has been getting done lately.  I shouldn't say 'bare minimum' because school is now in session!  We are in week four of Kindergarten at home.  B is really flourishing.  He counted to 25 and can read the words, CAT, SAT, COT, and AT.  He can match all upper and lower case letters and is working on writing his numerals.  Also, he is learning many Old Testament stories in the Bible.  Jilly is learning to count and has really picked up the days of the week in Spanish.  Singing everything is key to Jilly's learning.

We are emotionally spent because our hearts are heavy.  Erik's dad is battling cancer.  It's a tough, tough fight.  We all love him deeply.  The kids are crazy about Papa.  He is such a huge part of our lives.  He and Nana have done so much for us.  They are always there to offer encouragement, hugs, laughs, support.  B likes to go down to Papa's gym and 'work out.'  I think back fondly to a 2 year old B with one pound weights watching his Grandpa's every move and imitating with a "One, two.  One, two."  Papa holds the kids in his lap and reads them book after book after book without once seeming bored to tears.  Jilly absolutely adores him.

Erik has been tremendous through this fight.  His honor for his parents leaves me praying that our children will be as honorable as their Daddy.  He is this way because that is how his parents raised him.  I am eternally grateful to them.

This week, we told B that Papa is getting ready to go to heaven.  It was a hard conversation.  B teared up and said, "But I'm going to miss him."  He's had a lot of questions this week.  Tonight, he asked, "Mommy, is there a pill Papa can take to get rid of the sickness in his body?"  I answered, "The doctors have tried everything they could.  We can pray for Papa."  I then explained that in heaven Papa will get a new body that doesn't hurt anymore.  He immediately folded his hands and in a sad little voice said, "Dear God, Please heal Papa.  But if you want him in heaven, then go ahead."  What a selfless prayer for a little guy.  He is torn up about losing his Papa, yet prayed for God's will to be done.  All this time I've been struggling with how to hand everything over to God and my five year old little blessing showed me how with his hands folded.....crying out to God.

  Prayer is very much appreciated for Brice (B's Papa) and Karen (B's Nana) and our whole family.  Thank you friends.

So Long Corn....Don't let the door hit you on your way out.

We finally did it.  We kicked corn to the curb.  We've been meaning to do it for a while.  B didn't test allergic to corn a year and a half ago, but I began to suspect a corn allergy months (and months and months) ago.  But I dragged my feet.  Corn day was our easy day.  Breakfast was Gorrila Munch cereal (the only cereal he could have).  His favorite food is tacos.  When we traveled, he could have Ian's fish sticks, or turkey dogs, or chicken nuggets.  An easy snack was corn chips.  Ah....the only day that didn't require 'from scratch' preparation.  Do you see why I hesitated?  Very selfish on my part, but Oh those days were NICE!

The down side of corn day:  B would melt down, became aggressive, restless, and his plumbing didn't work quite right if you catch my drift.

We are 2 weeks corn free.  With the help of a newly purchased tortilla maker, we can have soft tacos!  I discovered he likes teff grain cooked as a hot cereal.  I can make chicken nuggets and freeze them for future use.  So far, B hasn't missed corn.

And.....his allergy shiners are disappearing!  His meltdowns have diminished!  His tics are decreasing.  Plumbing is normal.  I'm seeing less stimming.  He's not crashing into the couches.  He's doing great again!  I apologize for the 'blah' of my last post.  The answer was right under my nose.  Corn.....good riddance!  :)  Thank you for the prayers.

Wounded

I was browsing my blog list tonight and came across this one from Carly at Thoughts of Him: Scars.  It is beautiful and insightful and got me thinking about my own scars.  Which led me to think about the scar I want to have.  Right now, all this going on with B is a wound.  A big, festering, bleeding on the carpet, somebody grab the steri-strips wound.  Sorry for the visual.

We had an awesome appointment with our biomed doctor this week.  B's labs look so much better!  His heavy metals have decreased quite a bit.  His yeast is down by a lot!  Everything looked much better.  I may go into detail in another post.  I was on cloud nine!  He had been looking healthier, thinking clearer, just overall really great.  I love biomed!  I love our doc!  Can you believe he spent 2 hours going over labs, explaining each item line by line with us?  A refreshing change from the get you in, get you out before you can even remember what you wanted to ask appointments that seem to be the norm everywhere else.  Dr. B explained what supplements help with each function.  He showed us where we needed to adjust according to B's labs.  Dr. B is nothing if not thorough.

All this happiness in one appointment was dampened a little.  That same week, I'd heard a news story about the FDA trying to ban supplements.   Or trying to regulate them, which means they will be pulled off the market.  My heart sank.  This is really happening.  These life saving, all natural, made from the plants and minerals God gave us, supplements may not be here to help my son anymore.  I could watch B regress.  I could happen in as little as a few months.  I hurt in the deepest places of my heart thinking about this.  And it hurts that many in our country don't know or don't care.  I just want to show everyone my sweet boy's little face and say, "How can we let this happen?"  Please sign the petition to stop this from happening.

This week has been rough.  I think it's a PANDAS flare, or allergies, or something.  I don't know.  B's tics are really bad.  Worse than they've been all year.  I was watching him play his Leapster and he had to pause it to roll his head, jump up and down and yell.  He's been sensory seeking nonstop.  Crashing into our couches, crashing into us, wanting to hang from our arms, spinning, standing on his head, flapping his hands.  I don't know what's going on with him.  Maybe he's coming down with something.  It's ragweed season, too, so maybe we need to increase his allergy shots.  It's times like this that I feel like I'm holding my breath.  I don't know what's going to happen.  B could come out of it or he could regress further.  That scares me more than anything.  Regression.  Sometimes I feel like this whole world is against our children.  Maybe that's not a sane response to what is going on.  But remember, I'm bleeding.

I have a hard time turning this over to God.  I can't seem to let go of this worry.  Nonstop worry.  It's always on my mind 24/7.  It's too much.  All of this is too much sometimes.  But I feel guilty for saying it's too much when I know I'd do so much more if it would help my child.  I know this wound will never be a scar if I don't take it to God.  I need to hand it over to Him for complete healing.

Mr. Social?!? Hooray!

B has always been shy and overwhelmed in large crowds of people.  Family reunions were always rough.  The stimulation and all the people usually resulted in a massive meltdown.  Every Sunday, at church, he sticks close to my legs as we walk through the foyer greeting our church family.  He has to be prompted to say 'hello' while Jilly runs ahead of us offering hugs and smiles.

As I've mentioned before, B is changing.  Good things are happening.  He's growing up and getting healthier.  Today, he walked in the church doors with his good friend.  He gave a high five to the greeter.  He, Jilly, and I then found our seats.  We sang praises to God.  B danced a little.  Jilly belted out a melody.  Then came the greet song.  B walked ahead of me finding people to shake hands with.  He was grabbing hands right and left whether the people being greeted were ready or not. :)  Big smile on his face.  He hugged his friend's older sisters.  He LOVES his friend's older sisters.  Jilly and I made our way back to our pew, but B was still in the crowd shaking hands and smiling his charming smile.  He continued greeting till the song was over.  My shy little guy was suddenly Mr. Social.

Later in the service, I had to get up to change Jilly's diaper.  I asked B if he would like to come.  He chose to stay by himself in the pew.  By himself!  Who is this child?  The children were called to Children's Church while I was still helping Jilly.  B got up by himself and followed his friends to the classroom.

My heart is overspilling with joy at the little boy B is growing into.  He's becoming confident and responsible. He is joyful, helpful, loving, good-natured.

This week, his former Sunday School teacher mentioned to me how well he is doing.  She told me that when we first attended (a year and a half ago) B would go into meltdown mode.  He would scream for me and run out of the classroom toward the stairs.  He didn't know how to interact with the other kids.  He would play next to them, but didn't quite know how to play with them.  Now, she said, he is doing really great and he's just like any other 5 year old boy.  That was music to my ears.  I see the changes, but it is so nice when somebody else points them out to me.  God has been so faithful.  His healing is nothing short of miraculous.

If you are reading this and you share a love for this awesome God, would mind offering up a prayer?  For continued healing for B.  For permanent allowance of biomedical treatment in this country.  For life changing supplements not to be outlawed.  For other children who have similar health issues as B.  For the parents of these children.  For the mainstream medical community to recognize and embrace the treatments that have helped so many.  For the cause of these afflictions to be brought to light.  Thank you!  God hears our prayers.  I know He has heard my many prayers.  B is living proof.

Best Friends Day!

Don't read this if you are opposed to make up on 2 1/2 year olds, junkfood for dinner, downright spoiling kids rotten, and movies at bedtime.  Move along....nothing to see here.


I declared today Best Friends Day.  So, I celebrated with favorite girl.  Erik took B for the evening and Jilly and I had a girls' night.  Lately, Jilly's been really insecure.  Crying when I leave her with a sitter, in the nursery, at Jazzercise.  Wanting to follow me to the bathroom, to the garage, to the back yard.  She hasn't been wanting to sleep in her bed or by herself.  And she's been a little, well, naughty.  All of this has had me baffled until the other night when she was being especially trying. We had a pretty rough evening, Jilly and I.  The next day, it was weighing on my heart.  I was talking to God about it.  Funny, I was asking Him to help Jilly behave when I was the one who needed to change.  God opened my eyes and showed me that she needs more affirmation.  She needs us to tell her why we love her.  She needs extra one on one attention.  She needs us not to say she's naughty even though we've done it in a teasing, playful manner.  She takes things to heart.  She's sensitive.  She's a girl.  Now there's an epiphany!  My younger siblings are all male.  Erik's siblings are male.  B is a boy.  So why did it never occur to me that girls are a little different?  Aren't I a girl?  Don't I need more affirmation?  Don't I need extra affection and undivided attention?  Don't I take every that's said to heart?  (Just ask Erik, ha!)

We started off the evening by me whispering to Jilly, "Do you want to go bye-bye with mommy and have a best friends' night?  Just you and me?"  Her eyes lit up.  She let out a Jilly giggle, "Yes!"  We went to her closet to pick out her clothes.  She wanted a blue shirt just like mommy.  I went to put on my make-up.  She wanted lip gloss just like mommy.  We put a sheer gloss on.  She spent the entire first part of the evening making this face: Clamp your teeth together.  Now, without smiling, open your lips.  Now grab a mirror and laugh at the silliness.  She told everyone we saw, "I got lip gloss."  Which sounded like "I got it osh." consider she was talking while making the gloss face.

First, we went to the Dairy Queen.  It may have been her first ever trip to DQ.  I asked her what kind of ice cream she wanted...Chocolate, vanilla, strawberry, in a dish, in a cone, with a straw.  She said, "Pink!"  We sat at the table.  Jilly was super excited!  In between slurps and spoonfuls, she would say, "BEST FRIENDS!" and giggle her Jilly giggle.

After the ice cream, we went to Target to buy popcorn and  browse the toys.  She's had a gift card to use since November.  She picked out a cat piano, a miniature pillow pet, a microphone, a small rubber ball, a barbie, 3 dolls, Rex from Toy Story, a vacuum.....well, the entire toy department really.  I let her get the first 4 items, considering 2 of the 4 were two dollars.  Then we went to the beauty section for mini nail polish to do "Piggy Toes" as Jilly likes to say.  Jilly sang random songs all the way home.

When we got home, Jilly played a song for me on her piano.  It went like this, "Mommy, my mommy all day.  I love her."  Then we painted our Piggy Toes.  I was brave and let Jilly do her own.  I'm thinking brave maybe wasn't a good idea.  But she is very proud of her work.  After our tootsies were polished and had pretty decals, we shared a sandwich and put on her jammies.  Then we watched Up on my bed while we snuggled.

I am so thankful God blessed me with this sweet, funny, delightful, happy, beautiful little girl.  What a joy she is to us!  I truly believe God matches us perfectly with our children.  I love that he twined her heart to mine.

Here's My Sign

I prayed that God would let us know if GAPS is the right way to go with B.  This morning I got my answer.  We had been on GAPS for 3 days.  I awoke early to de-bone the chicken and put together a casserole for breakfast.  I started the carrot/onion/broth soup.  Then I went into B's room to wake up the kids.  They were already awake.  Jilly was playing with toys and B was taking off his jammies to put on some fresh clothes.  I stopped in my tracks.  B was definitely thinner.  It was probably only half a pound, but for a 34 lb five year old, thinner is not something to be taken lightly.  I may have freaked out a little as I went into the kitchen, scrambled 5 eggs in lots of palm shortening, and cut up 2 pears.  That was my answer.  GAPS isn't for B, at least not right now.  He was eating way more calories than he usually eats, but his body wasn't burning carbs because I couldn't get him to eat enough squash and carrots.  I'm thinking his body wanted to burn fat instead.

So, we're back to rotation/elimination but I need to sit down and plan a rotation that doesn't rely on pancakes every morning.  B's pancake addiction is feeding yeast.  Sigh.  I felt so bad about his thin appearance that I baked him a loaf of gluten free bread.  He and Jilly polished off half the loaf.  From one extreme to the other.  I really need to get a meal plan in place and stick with it.  I may as well stay on GAPS myself.  I can afford to burn fat and there's no sense letting 12 lbs of onions, 4 butternut squash, 5 lbs of carrots, 3 heads of cauliflower, and 4 heads of broccoli go to waste.