Announcement

After much, much, much, much, much, (nonstop really) prayer, we have made a decision I didn't think I'd make in a million years.  In fact, had somebody told me this 9 years ago as I sat through hours of class at my University, I would have laughed, out loud, for weeks.  Are you ready?  We are going to homeschool B.  Are you now laughing?  Are you concerned?  Are you going to call me in the morning with a "What are you thinking????"  You are not alone.   These thoughts are going through my mind as well.  Not as doubts, but as "Can I really do this?  What is God thinking?"  I'm a little (a lot) scared.  But I am also excited.  God has a perfect plan and I can't wait to see his blessings when we are obedient to Him.  Please know that:  a.) This is God's decision and it's the path we will follow unless He leads us in another direction.  b.) B has lots of interaction and with other children so don't worry.  We have more opportunities than we will even be able to commit to!  c.) We feel we are best able to provide him with the environment and guidance he needs to learn at this point in his life and development.  d.) I'm very new to this kind of life so support and encouragement would be awesome!  e.) We'll start with Kindergarten and reevaluate our decision (God's decision) each year.

Okay, I realize I look like I am defending this move and maybe I am a little.  God knows (boy does he know!) I've wrestled with this for months.  Soon, I will share everything that took us to this place because it is a great story of God's leading.  But not tonight...or this morning (Morning! Yikes!)  Tired mommies are not patient mommies.

Abide in Me

When I started this blog, I promised myself I'd be real.  Even when it's ugly.  As much as I'd like to be always positive, always happy, uplifting...sometimes things can be downright stinky and I can get stuck.  Tonight was one of those nights. 

I'm tired.  I'm worried.  I'm angry.  Really angry.  Jonah not wanting to go to Nineveh angry.  I'm exhausted from tracking everything B puts in his mouth, touches, and breathes.  I let the worry run away with my imagination tonight as the 'what ifs' ran rampant.  What if B's toxin level increases?  What if the yeast keeps building?  What if the pancakes he had for breakfast (and lunch) are harming him because of the maple syrup?  What if that spoon he is using is made of tin?  Will he regresss?  His eye blinking has come back.  What has he come in contact with?  Did he develop a new allergy?  What will his future be?  I read an article about gluten intolerance/leaky gut/and cancer.  I read about aluminum causing dimentia, Alzheimers/other neurological diseases.  What if? What if?  What if?.....  I know this is sinful.  I know shouldn't let my mind dwell on such things.  But tonight, it was dwelling.  Setting up camp in a giant pit of worry and anger.  Anger at the drug companies for pushing this years flu vaccine so hard.  A vaccine that contains the same toxins I'm trying so hard to keep out of my boy.  The same toxins that are wreaking havoc on his system.  Angry that I feel like I am shouting and nobody can hear me. 

Tonight, before I blogged, I knew had to take this all to God lest I sin in my anger.  On my knees before the Father, I prayed that God would heal B.  That he will keep him safe.  The thought God kept giving me was, "I (God) have been on this journey with B thus far.  I have been keeping watch over him."  Our earthly bodies are temporary and someday when we get to heaven, B will be allergy/toxin/yeast free :).  Then I prayed that God would take this worry from me.  I gave all of it to God.  He let me know, "You are not alone.  Abide in me.  I will give you rest."  I should place my faith in His love.  Next, the anger.  I prayed that I don't even know how to let go of the anger tonight.  I'm having such a hard time with forgiveness.  I asked God to help me work through the anger and to forgive.  I asked forgiveness for my hard heart.  I think this is going to take more time and prayer.  If you are reading this, and have a few prayers to spare, please pray that God softens my heart and brings me to a place of forgiveness.

Ms. Lovies

Somebody once told me God gives us the child we need and vice versa.  I have found this very true with both of my children.  More and more I am convinced God gave B the little sister he needed and Jilly the big brother she needed.  Let me introduce my baby girl, Jilly, aka Smoochie, aka Miss Lovies, aka Princess Pootie Poots (not sure she'll be so fond of that one when she is 16.)

As an infant, Jilly was quiet, happy, content.  I know now she was scheming.  Thinking up exciting adventures.  Observing every nook and cranny she would explore when she finally became mobile.  She was dreaming big.  Fast forward to now.  My almost 2 year old baby girl is still happy.  She wakes up in the morning with a big smile on her face and says "Hi Mommy!  Gooda Sleep!"  She is constantly dancing and singing and laughing and talking and talking and talking and talking and......the girl loves to gab.  All. Day. Long.  And I love it.  I knew we were in for some fun when her first full sentence (at 15 months) was to B.  She kissed him and said, "I kiss you!"  Girlfriend has been chattering ever since.  She is a social butterfly.  This week at church, she wanted to listen to the worship music before I took her into the nursery.  When the choir was finished and took their seats, our pastor was getting ready to preach.  Jilly clapped her hands and shouted, "Yay!  Gooda sing Mommy!"

Jilly's personality is magnetic which is wonderful for B.  She makes him giggle and encourages him, "Yay!  Bubba!  Gooda Job!"  She always draws him into her play.  They have their own sibling language and creative games.  I am thankful their bond is so strong.

Because Jilly Baby is so adventurous, she has no fear.  Today, she completely bypassed the baby slides and headed for the tallest tornado slide.  She will jump off any surface at any height whether we are ready to catch her or not.  B is always very cautious.  In fact, he just mastered the tornado slide this month.  Jilly challenges B to try new things and B keeps his eye on her, reminding her of her limits.  "Sissy!  No!  That is too high!  Go down the stairs!"   He is very observant and protective.

B does not like to get dirty.  When B was little, I couldn't understand why some kids had 'play clothes.'  Why not have my boy look very nice all the time?  Jilly cleared up any confusion I had about that.  She explores everything to the fullest.  Paint: rub in the hair, stick in the ear, taste, and then paint with all ten fingers.  Sand: smell, taste, rub in the hair, put some in her shirt for later.  She encourages him to mess it up a little and he helps her dust off.

B is shy.  Very much like his mommy.  He likes to hide behind my legs and I know the feeling.  Sometimes I wish I could still hide behind my mom's legs.  Jilly will has the incredible knack of making everyone smile.  She's never met a stranger (which means she never leaves my sight in public.)  She's fun and boisterous.  B is super creative and imaginative. Together, they have a really great time.  She has really helped B come out of his shell.

When I was pregnant with Jilly, before I knew I was pregnant, B put his hand on my tummy and said, "Baby Sister."  I did not know he even knew what a 'sister' was.  He was only about the age Jilly is now.  That still gives me goosebumps when I think about it.  That their bond could be that strong.  God chose them perfectly for each other.  They have a beautiful friendship and for that I am very thankful.

A Happy Mistake

This afternoon B and I baked some garfava/tapioca cinnamon muffins.  I measured the ingredients and B "carefully" poured the contents in the mixing bowl.  Then he turned the mixer on full speed as flour flew all over my freshly scrubbed counter, stove, and wall.  We got the giggles pretty good.  In the midst of our hysterics, I completely forgot the baking powder.  This may not normally be a huge deal, but when it comes to gluten free baking, the powder is the key for rising.  Gluten free breads are very dense.  I popped the muffins into the oven. After 10 minutes I realized my mistake.  When the timer went off, I pulled out the squatty 'muffins.'  I decided to try them.  Squish.  They had the consistency of a sponge soaked in syrup.  Gluten free flours are expensive, so I did not give up.  I cut the muffins horizontally into thirds, smashed them into flat circles, popped them into the oven and prayed for the best.

Soon, we had some very nice cinnamon crackers.  These are the first crackers B has had since he has been on his allergy free way of life.  A happy mistake!

I began thinking this evening, how like a squat muffins we can be.  We have our hearts and minds set on life turning out one way.  We want to be  muffins.  Beautiful, easy breezy muffins.  We put all our energy into creating our muffin lives.  But God may not intend for all of us to be muffins.  We are squashed a little, reshaped, and baked  by trials (or refined by fire).  If we trust in God and His will for us, we will become what His heart desires.

¹¹ For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. -Jeremiah 29:11

Lucky Day

We had a much better day today.  B woke up bright and early to help me bake amaranth/quinoa chocolate muffins.  I told him today was a no computer day for me and a not too much television day for him.  He was completely on board.  He said, "Woo Hoo!  Mom, if you use the computer, you will get a fine."  When I asked how I should pay that fine he said, "in my piggy bank."  Smart boy.

We went to Jazzercise and it was fun Friday, which means the kids could dance after class.  They love this!  On the way home, B asked me what a lucky day means.  I told him it is when everything makes you happy.  We ate lunch under the big tree in our front yard.  During our prayer B said, "I'm thankful for God."  Jilly laid on her back, intrigued by all the branches.  B spent his lunch time making us laugh.  Then they played in the bed of the truck.  For some reason this is their favorite activity.  They played until it sprinkled.  I promised B we'd stay out in the sprinkles until they turned to rain.

When Jilly took her nap, B and I  played Buzz, Woody, and Chutes and Ladders people.  Basically the Buzz shows off to the game pieces and they praise everything he does.  We went to the mailbox and we got some junk mail that had happy face stickers.  Of course B thought these were sent to him because it is his 'lucky day.'  Jilly and B had these stickers plastered all over their faces in no time.

B was so sweet to his sister today.  Giving her kisses and helping her.  Jilly was full of love, too.  I think there is something to this no computer/little t.v. thing.  When my attention is elsewhere I tend to miss the blessings God has placed right under my nose.  (I'd better put a quarter in B's piggy bank.  I just wanted to share our 'lucky' day.)

Blah

 It's been one of those nights.  I felt myself pulling away from B and Jilly.  I just wanted to be by myself.  I've been spacey and preoccupied.  I tried to do a movie night, but as riveting as Carebears are, I gave in and brought down the laptop.  Probably not quite the quality time they were looking for.  We did play outside for a bit after that so they got some mommy time.

B is reacting to something.  I'm really hoping its not the popcorn I made for our movies.  A corn allergy would not be a good thing!  I'm hoping it's the bite of rice I let him try in hopes that rice was a false positive.  That was 3 days ago.  Anyway, he threw a tantrum for over an hour because he could not find a certain toy...that he has not played with for at least four months.  While he was looking, he dumped every toy box in his room, the basement, and Jilly's room.  A good mommy would have been helping him look through each box.  This mommy did not.  Instead, I added insult to injury by making him clean up all the messes while he was still upset about losing the toy.  While cleaning, he was mean to his baby sis, so I scolded him (in a not so quiet voice) and sent him to time out.  When his time out was over, he continued to clean.  When he got to the mess in his room, I told him I'd help him with his shoes if he picked up the toys.  I picked up the shoes, then left the room.  A few minutes later he is screaming that I forgot one shoe and I needed to help him pick up the rest of his room.  I ignored the screams and withdrew into my shell that has been my home today.  Then all was quiet in his room.  I checked on him ten minutes later and my heart broke.  His room was spotless. His lights were off and his night light was on.  He had tucked himself in and fell asleep.  His bedtime routine means so much to him.  Just try and leave out a lullaby or a prayer, he'll let you know.  I'm sad that he felt so bad, that I didn't comfort him, that I didn't engage and help him.  What if this is the way God treated me?  What if he would only show me mercy and kindness when I deserve it?  I was not a good example of God's love for B.

After I put Jilly to bed, I grabbed my Bible (honestly, a little begrudgingly....apparently I'm not a good daughter today either).  God led me to this verse:

Therefore, as God's chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. -Colossians 3:12


Ouch.  A gentle reminder can sometimes feel so heavy.  My children are my ministry and I let them down today.  I'm hoping B & J will accept my redo tomorrow.  A chocolate chip cookie laced apology is in order.

Then and Now: B's experience with Biomedical Treatment

I am truly amazed at B's progress.  Amazed.

B before biomedical treatment:
Tantrums nonstop.  It was nothing for him to throw a tantrum for half an hour.  His tantrums didn't revolve around him not getting his way.  Ninety percent of them would occur because he lost something.  He went through a period of having to carry certain objects around always.  One time it was baby food spoons, three of them.  He would always know if one was missing and we'd turn the house upside down looking for them.  After that it was marker lids.  5 of them.  One for each finger.  He called them finger 'mops'.  If he didn't have five he was a mess.  The worst of the worst was rubber bouncy balls.  Ugh.  To this day bouncy balls are not allowed in our house.  Then it was Hoo Hoo Ha Ha, Blue Doggy and Branson Bear.  He carried them everywhere.  He was very obsessive.  One time we were in the van and he wanted me to hold him.  Obviously I couldn't because I was driving.  He said, "Mommy Ju Ju! (hold you)"  178 times.  I counted to keep myself from going crazy.

B now:
He has the occasional 4 year old outburst, but calms down quicker.  He no longer carries random objects.  In fact, last night I said, "You haven't slept with Hoo Hoo Ha Ha for a while."  His face scrunched up and his voice got sad and I thought, "Great.  Here comes the fit."  He said, "Have you seen him?" I said, "We'll look for him tomorrow."  B said, "Okay."  Okay?!??? No fit?  No obsessing?  No running around the house room to room shrieking?  Okay???!?  Okaaaaay :)

B then:
B had purple circles under his eyes.  He would refuse to eat.  He was in the 3rd percentile for weight.I would have to coax him to take every bite that went into his mouth.  I remember in my gut knowing something was wrong.  I even googled childhood cancer because his appearance worried me so much.  Little man was so constipated, he would cry with every effort...and the end result looked painful enough to make me want to cry.  This made potty training very difficult.  These are days I wish I could take back.  I thought he was holding it in on purpose because he did not want to use the potty, thus causing constipation.  I even disciplined him every time I thought he was holding it in.  Poor kid.  I wish I had known what was really going on.

B now:
B's complexion is great!  No more circles.  He eats all the time...seriously, I feel like I'm cooking and baking 24/7.  He's making up for lost time.  At his last DAN appointment, he weighed in at the 50th percentile!  He is using the restroom independently.....and brags about it.  He's never grasped the concept of 'too much information.'

B then:
The sun was too bright.  His bath was too hot.  The vacuum was too loud.  His swing was too high.  His friend was too stinky (so that one cracked me up).  Everything tasted too strong.  He would only eat bland, bland, and more bland.

B now:
He doesn't complain as much about the sun.  He prefers really hot bath water.  He tolerates the vacuum as long as I warn him before I turn it on.  He wants pepper in his baked beans.  He is still more sensitive than other kids....never give him a peppermint, this I learned  the hard way....but his improvement is huge.

B then:
Random frequent rashes, runny nose, sick all the time.

B now:
One rash since February caused by  his sunblock.  He was sick one time last month.  His nose rarely runs.

B then:
He had a hard time initiating play with other children.  He would get in their face, stand too close, and make a goofy noise.  Most of the time kids his age would back away or ignore him.  His fits didn't help much in the social arena either.

B now:
He is great at playing with others.  Today at the library this really hit home.  He was having conversation, asking questions, initiating play, laughing and pretending with other children.  In fact, another child stood a little too close, made a goofy noise, and B slowly backed away. It has come full circle.

About our pediatric appointment.  We gave our test results to our pediatrician.  He was pretty skeptical.  He said, "I don't know what these test results mean.....I'm a little ignorant about this......Do you mind if I keep these and ask my colleagues?"  He proceeded to ask how we found this doctor, had we read any testimonials, how long had he been in business, etc...skeptical.   It was great that he admitted he didn't know what the test results meant but I'd rather he call our DAN himself.  I would love it if our DAN and pediatrician were on the same page.  My glimmer of hope is this:  He said, "well, I guess if it's working......."

Our DAN is a Ph. D and an MD with extra training in treating autism.  His methods are working miracles for our son and so many like him.  I wish the American Academy of Pediatrics would look into this treatment.  Think of how many more children would be able to recover.