Screeeeeech!

I'd been cruisin' along this allergy free cooking highway.  I'd finally hit my groove.  Things were looking up.  I found foods B likes and will eat.  Then SCREEEEEECH!  There's definitely a bump in the road.  B decides he doesn't like the food he's eating.  Spaghetti? No thanks.  Tacos?  Eh.  Buffalo hotdog?  Nope.  Muffin? Not hungry.  Pancake?  What else can I have?

Because B's foods have to be rotated, there's not a lot of wiggle room when it comes to cooking.  If I put garlic, onions, potatoes, tomatoes, and oregano in one meal, I have nothing to work with for the next 3 days.  I thought I'd switch the rotation up a little and came up with a different recipe tonight.  B took a bite. "Mmm!  This is good."  Another bite, then another, then one more.  "Mom, what's this green thing (avocado) in here?"  I did what any self respecting mother would do and LIED THROUGH MY TEETH.  "It's uh.....a green bean, that I uh put in the blender so you wouldn't have to look at it."  Then I pasted my most convincing 'you really do like it' smile on my face.  He put the burrito down.  He took no more bites. Sigh.  Then I told him the truth, sort of.  "Actually, B, it was an avocado.  I thought you were talking about the green beans (there were no green beans), but you were talking about the avocado.  Let me get you a new burrito."  I made him a new one.  He took two bites.  He was done.

I think he's realizing that I control what he eats.  He's always known it, but his little four year old self wants to make choices.  He wants to have a banana on pear day.  He wants to drink almond milk two days in a row.  He wants to choose whats for dinner.  I don't know how to give him these choices when we have so little to work with.

This is where my dilemma lies.  If you've seen B, you know he can't afford to lose any weight.  Little man has already fallen off his height curve.  So, do I risk him developing more allergies to give him more options?  Do I dare go off the rotation?  Do I just rotate grains and protein and let him chose fruits and veggies?  Do I use garlic more than twice in four days?  More allergies = more yeast.  More yeast = more permeable gut.  More permeable gut = more allergies.  So, we're potentially looking at more allergies or a child who will not eat.  This is tough.  I wish there was a support group for this sort of thing.  I wish I had a mentor I could call up and say "Hey, have you tried going off the rotation?  What happened?" or "How have you made the rotation work for you?  What do you do when your child won't eat?"

I'm stalled at a fork in the road.  Do I go left or do I go right?    I need to go somewhere because just  idling in this spot is getting us nowhere.              

The Earth's Pull

There are two words that I think will always go together.  Every attempt to separate them is futile.  They are magnetic.  As strong as the Earth's pull on the moon and the moon's pull on the Earth.  The two words are 'Mommy' and 'Guilt.'

We have three pictures hanging int the hallway.  B is a few weeks old laying on a blue blanket.  He has that new born, wide eyed stare.  Perfect skin, perfect eyes, perfect little nose.  I can see the pictures from our bed.  They used to make me smile, thinking of sweet baby B.  Lately, the pictures have been haunting me.  His eyes stare at me with such vulnerability.  And I wonder, is it my fault?  Did I cause this?  There are so many things I should have done differently.  What was the tipping point?

Was it the reaction to his Hep B in the hospital?  We didn't know severe jaundice is a side effect.  How could I have ignored the other signs?  Was it the full body rash after the MMR?  Was it the Tylenol I gave him not knowing it depletes glutathione?  What about all the Tylenol I gave him for every little fever?  How could I not know something was wrong when he had so many fevers?  Was it because I started him on solids too soon?  We all started at 4 months when we were babies.  He was just so thin I thought it would help.  I should have heeded his doctor's warnings.  Did I not breastfeed him long enough?  I succumbed to pressures and stopped even though my heart was telling me something different.  Was it all the milk I let him drink, knowing it was too much?  When I think of B as a baby, I find myself pushing the memories away because with those memories comes a sense of  "You did this.  You could have prevented this.  He depended on you."  In my head I know that is wrong.  I know it's not logical.  But mommy and guilt and guilt and mommy......

I've been praying about this because I know that God doesn't want me to look back on those sweet baby days with regret.  Today, He gave me the greatest gift.  God knows our hearts even when we don't.  I truly believe that.  

We were eating lunch and Jilly scooted her plate over and climbed into my lap.  Then she said, "Rock me."  Instinctively, I began to sing a lullaby.  B looked at me and said, "Mommy, I want you to rock me."  Be still my heart.   My little boy who doesn't sit long enough for a good cuddle wants me to rock him.  Not wanting to take the moment away from Jilly, I promised him I'd rock him after I laid Jilly down for her nap.  

I laid Jilly down in her crib, closed the door, and headed for the rocking chair.  B climbed up into my lap and I began to sing the lullabies I would sing to him as a toddler.  I breathed in his sweet little boy smell and let the memories wash over me.  He laid his head on my on my chest, scrunched up his gangly arms and legs, and closed his eyes.  I began to think of the way his high toddler voice would join mine.  How his baby fine hair felt under my chin.  How he put his head on my shoulder at the exact moment in the lullaby every time.  How his fingers would curl around mine.  I felt that God was whispering to me, "He loves you.  Your love for him trumps everything.  It's okay.  It's okay.  It's okay."  Holding my boy was like a hug from God.  Reliving those moments without guilt, with only joy in my heart.  God can break ties as strong as the Earths pull on the moon, the moon's pull on the Earth.

B looked up at me, put his finger on my face and said, "Mommy, what's that water on your face?"  Thank you God, for that precious gift.

Sneezes and Wheezes

One of B's favorite books is The Berestain Bears' Trouble at school.  Brother bear gets a terrible case of the sneezes and the wheezes.  He watches too much tv and igores his make up work.  Then in Berenstain fashion, he makes the problem much worse but it all turns out great in the end.  They eat chocolate chip cookies and all is forgiven.

This week we all had the sneezes and wheezes, with the exception of Erik.  I was down for almost the whole week, Jilly for about 4 days, and B for 2.  B for two!  This is great progress.  This is the same little boy who used to get sick for at least 2 weeks out of every month.  If there was a virus, he'd get it and hang on to it.  I am now a huge believer in good nutrition and good quality vitamins and supplements!

We have increased his supplements this month and have seen great changes in him.  His tics had started to come back last month, this month they are minimal again.  His under-eye circles have diminished.  His face is filling out.  His energy is through the roof (to the dismay of our furniture...yikes!)  He even ordered his football mascot cards by date.  Ordering is something he struggles with.  Counting and saying the alphabet is a challenge, but he can tell you the names of letters and what sounds they make.  Something about sequencing trips him up.

Back to the sneezes and the wheezes.  When he was feeling his worst, we had this exchange:
B: Mommy, I'm so tired.
Me: I know baby.  That's because you have the sneezes and the wheezes.
B: Does everybody have the sneezes and the wheezes?
Me: Everybody but Daddy.
B: If we kiss Daddy, will they go away?
Me: Why, are you wanting to give your sneezes and wheezes away?
B: Yes.  Come on!  Let's try it!

Poor Daddy :).  For the record, we didn't try it.

Just like brother bear, I fell behind in some of my work.  I did give a good effort, though.  I'm hoping we can all share some cinnamon letters or garfava pancakes and all will be forgiven.

Answered Prayer

I'm sitting in the living room of my Mom's house.  This is the house where I spent all my preteen/teen years.  It's funny how I suddenly feel like that teenager immediately when I step through the door.  I remember dreaming about my future.  I'd marry the perfect guy who would always hold my hand.  check.  We'd have adorable children.  Check.  I'd be the kind of mom who bake cookies for my kids.  (Gluten free/dairy free/low sugar on rare occasions). Check.  Read them bedtime stories. Check.  Snuggle for hours on end. (A few minutes here and there between laundry, cleaning the kitchen, cooking, letting the dog out....) Check.  My house would look like the houses in magazines. Ummm....  My children would always behave.  Errrr...  I would make sure I always looked very nice when my husband got home from work....Uhhhh.  Dinner would be on the table at 5:30. ehhhh....  Life would be easy breezy....Hahaahahaaa!

Looking back, I realize I had planned a big snooze fest.  My reality is much, much better.  What I have is a husband who loves me unconditionally even on the days I look a mess.  He is my soul mate.  I am so blessed.  Two adorable kids who crack me up, make me smile, and melt my heart.  A house that is full of love...and clutter...but mostly love.  A life that is full of challenges, big challenges, that constantly remind me to lean on God.  I have to admit, lately I've not been so good about leaning on God.  I've been so wrapped up in the day to day, I'm gonna do it my way, that I lost sight of the fact that God is looking out for us.  God showed me, through B, that I need to lean on Him.

B has an extreme fear of swallowing pills.  He takes a lot of them and I have to get creative and hide them.   Just saying the words, "This would be so much easier if you would learn to swallow pills," would cause him to panic and cry.  Sometimes he would run off.  He was terrified.  Two nights ago, we started him on Olive Leaf Extract to combat the Strep antibodies.  This is BITTER medicine.  I sprinkled the contents of the pill on jelly and he choked it down, literally, in 4 swallows.  He was crying, it was that bad.  Then I said the dreaded words mentioned above.  He immediately put his hands over his mouth and cried.  "I can't swallow pills.  I don't want to swallow pills!"  He was still upset when I tucked him into bed.  I covered him up and said, can I pray for you about swallowing pills?  He gave me permission and I began, asking God to make B brave.  I don't like to reveal this, but I had doubt.  I didn't think God was going to answer that prayer...like it was too big a request.  Silly, considering God can move mountains!

This morning, I told B he could have a bike if he'd swallow a pill.  Yes, I used bribery, but this was a really big deal.  He was terrified, and asked, "But mommy what if it goes down my wrong pipe?"  B is very literal.  He really thought we all have a right pipe and a wrong pipe.  I answered, "We only have one pipe.  Can you feel it?" B, looking at me incredulously, "We do?  Only one pipe?  I don't have a wrong pipe?"  At this point, I'm trying really hard not to laugh.  B took the pill from my hand, walked over to his cup of water, and swallowed the pill!  From terror to fearless!  A smile of relief broke out on his face.  "That wasn't so bad!"  I kid you not, he took all his suppliments that way today!  I am thoroughly convinced God made B brave.  And B is convinced, too.  Later on in the day he said, "Mommy, if I get scared to swallow pills again, we can pray again.  That's just in case God loses my braveness."

I am ashamed that I doubted.  I am in awe that God used my little boy to minister to my heart.  He showed me that He is watching over us, loving us.  God is good!  So good!

Gripping the Wagon

Today I really wanted to throw in the towel and give my boy a cheeseburger....but I didn't.  That's all :)

PANDAS.....It has a name!

Ladies and Gentlemen, we have diagnosis.  I can't tell you how much relief it brings me to give a name to this thing.  B has PANDAS or ‘Pediatric Autoimmune Neuropsychiatric Disorder Associated with

Streptococcus.'  I'd like to tell you all about this disease named after a cute, lovable bear but it's all new to me and I have a lot of research to do.  Here is a link full of great information: http://www.pandasresourcenetwork.com/about-pandas/pandas-faqs.html

Here are a few things we found out today:

1. B is not metabolizing saturated fats properly so we will be adding more.

2. We should have started B12 shots and olive leaf extract months ago.  We have a loooooong list of supplements to add to his already extensive list.  Any tips for a little guy who can't swallow pills and hates smoothies?

3. There is an Asian Market that has sweet potato pasta.  Can't wait to get back to that city so I can hunt for these!

4. B is hypoglycemic in the night and needs a high protein snack before bed.

5. His yeast has increased (already knew that) so we need to increase his crazy expensive probiotics.  If you see us in our van without hubcaps please know we bought probiotics instead.  Ha!

6.  B has not grown at all (height or weight) in the past 3 months...probably longer.  Hopefully with these supplements, he absorb more nutrition.

7. His metal levels have decreased a little, so he's chelating on his own a little.  With the exception of mercury.  He is still accumulating and we have no idea how.

I'm sitting here in B's movie theater.  (His dark room, bottom bunk, and a portable DVD player).  We are watching Dumbo.  This was his favorite when he was 2.  It's bringing back so many memories.  He has a wooden magnetic train he used to push up and down the hallway singing, "Dumbo choo choo train.  Going down the track. With a smoky stack."  I now see the love Dumbo's mother had for him in a whole new light.  She would do anything to protect her sweet baby.  Just like we are doing everything we can to protect and treat our sweet B.

Earlier this week, we made a chocolate cake (the best ever!) for B to take to Cubbies to celebrate Jesus's birthday.  B asked me, "Are we sharing with my friends?"  I told him there would be other cake for his friends.  His response: "Oh, so just me and Jesus are going to eat it?"  I love this little guy so much!  He never fails to make me smile.

Calling All Mommies: I need some advice.....

We received B's recent labs in the mail today.  Frustrating.  His yeast has grown a lot.  I hate yeast.  Hate it.  This has made me realize that we can't let our guard down.  I thought the whole cooking for B was getting easier, but honestly, I think I've been more lax.  His labs are showing that.  I need to get radical cutting out sugar.  I'm at a loss for breakfast ideas.  One morning he can have eggs, the next almond milk and corn chex, but after that I don't know.  If pancakes, waffles, and muffins are out..I have no ideas.  Any ideas all you mommies out there dealing with yeast overgrowth in your kiddos?  Rice is out for us....

Another bump in the road: shoes.  B can't stand the feel of them on his feet.  He will tolerate swim socks, but it's November, and we need to progress.  He's growing out of most of his shoes, but every time we try on a new pair, he freaks out a little and yells, "Too tight!  Too tight!" even if they are sliding around on his feet.  Any suggestions here?

Winding down is getting harder, too.  He's having a rough time winding down to sleep.  Meaning he is doing gymnastics and shuttle runs back and forth across his room, staying awake in his bed, hearing every little sound.

This mommy's idea tank is empty.  It could be a lot worse and I'm thankful for B's progress.  He's just regressing a little.  I know some of you have super creative ideas....would you mind sharing? :)